¿Los papeles? ¡Nosotros no necesitamos no papeles que huelen!

By now I'm sure you've all seen the "pro-immigration" rallies that have been popping up all over the country. I knew that as Americans we had the right to gather and protest (peacefully), but apparently our government extends that right to ILLEGAL NON-CITIZENS as well. What a great country we are.

Contrary to what the "pro-immigration" talking heads have been saying (or not saying respectively) just because a person is here with good intentions, and is here to work or raise a family or both, if they didn't follow the laws of our country to get here then they are in violation of that law. The sides have been drawn in this debate...you have the "pro-immigration" side; people for keeping the current, severely broken, system of unchecked illegal immigration (security and govermental strain be damned). Everyone who doesn't sign on to that school of thought will fall under the "racist" banner. I personally believe that most of America is pro-immigration, if those immigrants follow the law. What has these "pro-immigration" groups up in arms is the long overdue action (hopefully) of our government to stem the overwhelming flood of illegal movement across our borders. They don't want a wall. They don't want regulation. They DO want the government to "pardon" all of the illegals that are currently in our country and grant them citizenship. The "pro-immigrant" groups tell us that the illegals in this country pay taxes, that they work hard, and that they have as much of a right to be here as US citizens. I don't doubt that a large number of illegals do work hard and pound out a living. I do have serious doubts about what sort of taxes they're paying. Sure they pay sales tax, who doesn't? What about Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, income tax, the list goes on and on. And so we come to one of the hot button issues: If you naturalize all of these illegals they'll have to pay taxes. So why wouldn't we? Here's why; these people have broken our laws. They didn't bend them, didn't accidentally break them, they knowingly came across the border illegally. If you pardon them, why not pardon rapists? What about drug dealers? I'm sure they'll pay more taxes out of jail than they do in jail. It's flat out wrong...Period. What sort of message would it send? "Come on in to the USA! Yeah you're breaking the law, but if you can hold out long enough they'll rubber stamp you and give you citizenship." No. No way.

Our government, as often times happens, has allowed itself to become embroiled in partisan bickering...thus delaying any action. So, I've put together an airtight plan for solving our problem:

• Secure the borders. Is a 20 foot tall fence stretching from Texas to California a viable option? Sadly, no, but we live in the age of technology for crying out loud. We can study the surface of Mars, you're telling me we can't watch our own border? How about cameras, electronic walls, and more border patrol agents.
  
• Penalize American companies that hire illegal workers. Not only is it illegal for someone to cross into our country undocumented, it's illegal to hire them. Tight fisted American business owners have perpetuated the problem, opting to hire cheap instead of legal. I've heard the argument that illegal immigrants do the work Americans don't want to do. What strikes me as funny is that most of the people saying that have never run the risk of starving, never had to worry about clothing their children. Some of our citizens do, and would gladly take the work. Americans have never shirked from hard, dirty, thankless labor. Give our citizens who are in need of work a chance to take these "undesirable" jobs.
• Deport those who are breaking our immigration laws. This is touchy, as many immigrants have started families here. I'm not for breaking apart families, so offer illegal immigrants with legal children the chance to become citizens. They've been breaking the law, let them pay a fine, and make a mends by learning our language and passing the tests required to be a citizen. For those illegal immigrants without a family, deport them to their country of origin and let them begin the process to become a legal citizen.
  

I understand that this country has deep roots in the Melting Pot mentality, "give me your tired, your weary"...and so forth, and I agree with that for the most part. The key is the "melting" part. If you want to be a member of this country you should become a part of it's society, not expect to keep all the aspects of your old society. I'm not saying that you should forget your heritage, far from it. Celebrate St. Patricks day, Cinco De Mayo, Boxing Day, whatever...just remember that you're a part of a whole, and that whole is American.

Bottom line is this: If you want to be a part of this country, do it legally or go home. So let the protestors protest, let the flags wave (notice that most of the flags went from Mexican to American? Guess someone got the memo) and the voices chant with the hopes that if you're loud enough and large enough our government will cave to your demands. That sort of mentality may be true in France, but not here, not in my America.

Oh yeah...almost forgot, click on the link to translate the title.

Catatonic Audience

Ah the movies. A place to get away from the mundane and humdrum events of day to day life and lose yourself in...commercials? As I may have mentioned before, I live in a small town. We have a theater that carries outdated movies. It's a given that when you go to the movies in my home town you'll be subjected to at least two antiquated concession stand plugs, followed by a veritable cornucopia of previews. All totaled, you're looking at about ten or fifteen minutes of fat until you get to the real meat, the movie you took out a mortgage to watch. This weekend though, I ventured out of the bubble that is my town and traveled to a larger city here in Texas. After a half day of hitting the guitar shops and electronic stores, my friend and I decided that we would catch a movie. This is the madness that followed:

We purchased our tickets, stood in line for drinks, and finally made it to our seats. We sat through the trivia...of which they only had four questions. "How many Coke bottles are in the picture?" Hmmm, let's see, it was 14 bottles the last twenty times, so I'm going with 6. We sat through the music, that generic blend of Prince, 98 Degrees, and Whitney Houston songs. Then, finally, the screen flickered and we were off...to a car commercial. Ok, I can live with this, now for the movie...no, a commercial for Coke. Ok, get a new car and drink Coke, got it, now how about that movie. No? Instead lets watch ANOTHER CAR COMMERCIAL. Rage growing...need...to...see...feature...presentation. NO? How about two consecutive Coke commercials?! (At this point I'm wondering how many levels of security there is between me and the acne riddled projectionist). Whew. Ok, the Dolby Digital spot, now it's time for the movie. NO?!! Son of a @$%#&! Previews? Well, they're not all that bad I guess. Three, four, five previews, enough is enough. Ah, the message telling me to turn off the cell phone and be polite...next up, the movie! Oh no. Please, no more. Two more previews. Ok Theater, you win. I'm broken, I just can't take it anymore. I don't even want to watch the movie, if you'll just let me sit here and sob, you can play whatever you want. I'll like it, I promise. But wait! Can it be? YES, it is! The movie! Oh thank you merciful theater!

By the time the dust had settled, I had watched almost forty five minutes of commercials and previews. Sadly, some of the patrons did not have my level of self control. Several were stabbed, others scalded with hot butter, and one poor soul cracked under the intense subliminal messaging and drowned himself in a Mega-Chug sized Coke. At what point did the sharks from the TV industry break in to the movie theater? I've conditioned myself to expect a barrage of mindless commercials while watching TV, I can even live with shameless product placement in the middle of the movie, however I will not stand (or sit, respectively) idly by while companies force me to watch their commercials, in a closed room, with no remote, and no way to escape (well, had I been sitting near the isle I guess I could have left). What really stewed me was when I realized that I'd paid good money to watch their commercials. I've already written a letter to my congressman. Unfortunately, it appears that he's been taken by the dark side. His reply stated "Drink Coke, Buy Toyota" and included a coupon for a dollar off of a two liter bottle of Diet Lemon Coke. Damn. I still have my hometown theater though, and judging by the delay in seeing new movies there, I've still got a good two years until they begin assailing me with commercials. I guess I'll just have to wait until the DVD's come out, that way I can sit through the Anti-Piracy/Actors Guild/FBI commercials and previews...on second thought, I'll wait until someone makes an illegal copy, cutting out the commercials and previews, then I'll watch.

Bring on the Detox Poncho

I've never done smack. Never had any ice, crank, crack, blow, white rabbit, mexican red-hair, angel dust, boom, pow, ex, or sweet lady H. All in all, I'm a pretty clean guy, don't have too many addictions. Apparently, I am addicted to that sweet southern cash crop otherwise known as tobacco. I've decided to quit. I've decided that at least five times before, but this time I mean it. I went and spent thirty bucks on a package of nicotine gum, threw out any tobacco products that might tempt me, and I've gone one solid day without my poison of choice. You never know how much you need it until it's gone. As the day progressed, I grew more and more tired. My stomach ached, my head pounded, my heart raced. If someone had come up to me and said "I'll give you some sweet sweet tobacco if you'll beat up that kindly old lady" I would have looked like Mike Tyson in a street fight. Wouldn't have fought fair either. It's almost nine o'clock, and it feels like I've been up for days. They say if you can go four days without it you're out of the woods. One day down, seventy two long, grueling hours to go. Problem is, I think I like the gum better now. Yeah. It's minty, it's fresh, and it supplies just enough nicotine to keep me on an even keel. No. NO. Must...fight...the...gum. I can't be sure, but I think tobacco companies make the gum. They have to. They're the sole supplier of nicotine, they hold all the cards. Oh it's a devious plan. Who would persecute someone with minty fresh breath and a mild buzz? No one, that's who. You can chew it virtually anywhere. School, work, with your girlfriend (if you have one), even, dare I say it, at church. Spanish III would have been quite a bit more enjoyable had I been chewing this wonder gum. Dammit. Listen to me. I knew I should have gotten the patch. I'm not exactly doing this thing cold turkey. I've got a four step phase out that seems to be working. It looks something like this:

1) Tobacco I like. (currently phased out)
2) Tobacco I don't like. (currently phasing out)
3) Gum that I love. (currently phasing in-expected use: 8-10 days)
4) Natures alternative wonder stimulant: Coffee/Caffeine (expected use: Several cups a day, forever).

Solid plan, I know. Though there have been mixed reviews on coffee in regards to it's health effects, I know several very old people who drink it by the gallons, so I'm pretty confident with it. For the most part, it's cheaper, and it's still allowed in most resturaunts (until the hippies have their way about it). So I'm on the road to recovery. I'm short tempered, tired, hungry, a little gassy, but for the most part I'm ok. Just have to follow the patented four step program and resist the urge to start random, completely uncalled for beatings and I'll be just fine. Consequently, should anyone see me involved in a completely uncalled for and random beating, speak to me in a soothing voice and get me some gum.

Buy stock in aluminum...

I've decided to post quarterly now...thus my two month long hiatus. That's not actually quarterly though, more like bi-quarterly. But I digress. Since my last post, several little events have occurred, but none so hotly disputed as the recent talk of wiretapping by the government to screen for terrorist activity. Not all calls are screened...only some of the calls going overseas. This fact has been conveniently omitted from most of the lefts talking points (surprised? didn't think so). It's all "illegal wiretaps" and "civil rights infringment". Rights smights. Who cares if some guy at the NSA is listening to your call? Screen every call for all I care. I don't recommend screening mine, as they may induce sleep, but they're more than welcome to. I've got nothing to hide. A normal conversation for me goes a little something like this:

ME: Hey.
Little Bro: Hey.
ME: What're you doing?
Little Bro: Nothing. What are YOU doing?
ME: Working. You?
Little Bro: Just got out of class, going to work.
ME: Well that sounds good.
Little Bro: Does it?
ME: Doesn't it?
Little Bro: Doesn't it not?
ME: That was a double negative.
Little Bro: Was it?
ME: Was it not?
Little Bro: Anyway...what did you want?
ME: I didn't want anything, you called me.
Little Bro: Huh. Oh, that crazy chick I dated...
ME: That narrows it down.
Little Bro: You know, the summer girl.
ME: No, but continue.
Little Bro: She just got engaged.
ME: Nice. Dodged that bullet. Good on you.
Little Bro: Exactly.
ME: Well ok then. Give me a call later.
Little Bro: Ok. I will.
ME: Stay clean.
Little Bro: You too. Later.

See how boring? I would be willing to bet that 99% of the calls that a normal person makes sound quite a bit like that. Baseless, pointless, and mind numbing. The only thing that makes it anything is the relationship. Some guy at the NSA doesn't care whether your wife wants you to pick up a can of green beans at the store on the way home. That's why they're NOT wiretapping everyone. If you're making a call to Pakistan to someone codenamed Ox Bolo Lincoln then yeah, that one is probably being listened in on. Otherwise, all of you tin-foil hat wearing hippies have nothing to worry about. They don't want to know about your new hemp shirt, or your review of the latest Phish album. Bottom line is this: If you have nothing to hide, then why should you care? They're not searching your closet, not giving you a body cavity search on your way to work...they're doing their job, protecting America from another attack. So if they do turn the dial to listen in on one of my conversations, I hope they get in on a good one (little note to the NSA, Fridays and Saturdays are when the wild drunken women call, those are worth hearing). Keep on keeping on. Until next time, stay clean.

It's the Bias that Beats me

Why? Why is it that I can't turn on the TV without being subjected to someone's political viewpoint? I'm not talking about CSPAN either, I could understand that. I've grown accustomed to the idea that if you're liberal you watch CNN and if you're conservative you watch FOX News, but I refuse to have to turn on my bias filter to watch cartoons. I'm a grown man, and yes, I'll watch some cartoons every once in a while (nothing wrong with some Simpsons or Sealab 2021), but last night while flipping through the channels I ran across a show called "The Boondocks". It's a series based on a comic strip that some may view as controversial. Basically the entire show dealt with the characters problems with rich white people, the Iraq war, and various other social-political issues. Judging by the way it's being promoted, it's supposed to be shocking. They even mentioned something to the effect of "If you don't like it watch the Andy Griffith Show" or something. I wasn't shocked, wasn't phased in the least bit by it's baseless accusations and ignorant arguments, but I was mentally beaten by the end of it. It was like watching a car accident, you don't want to watch, but you can't turn away. By the end of the show I couldn't fathom how someone could actually pitch a show like this and have it air. I am so freakin tired of all the bias. You can't watch the news without it, you can't watch a sitcom without it, and now you can't even watch cartoons without it. If things continue on this path, children of the future will be so indoctrinated by this horse crap they won't know which way is up. If I want to hear political discourse I'll tune into a CSPAN, not Comedy Central or Cartoon Network. I understand and appreciate the first amendment, everyone can say anything they like...Ignorant or not...but it's generally the people who scream "IT'S MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT!" who are the people you need to ignore. I'm no conspiracy theorist, at least I don't think I am, but all of this bias has to be attributed to someone. Whoever it is, they're intelligent. Selling political agendas as entertainment is a tricky business, and they're working it down to a fine art. All the more reason to tune out...make you're own decisions (if that's possible anymore). As for me, I'm going to stick to watching the spanish station Univision, if I can't understand them, they can't subconsciously sell me on something.

From 36,000 Feet

It’s about 6:15pm, Texas time, and I’m at 36000 ft. This trip almost became routine. No nervousness on the way to the airport, no worries about how much my bag weighed, not a second thought about which seat I was assigned on the plane. Like I said, routine…until now. This flight is a little bumpy, not enough to be disconcerting, just enough to keep me from sleeping, and it’s apparent that the turbulent atmosphere was for a reason. Were I sleeping right now I would miss an absolutely amazing view. Here I am, 23 years old, chasing the sun as it sets, fighting the night at hundreds of miles an hour. Almost routine. Moments like this make me appreciate the many, many blessings that I’ve been granted with little or no return on that investment. Granted, it’s not that uncommon for a person my age to be employed, and not all that unusual that they might travel frequently, but I’m not any “person”. No degree, no trust fund, no attention span, and no problems with that. Despite what the school counselor told us…you can attain a good job with no degree (though common sense and genius helps). Despite what pop-culture says you can lead a great and meaningful life without a 7000 square foot home and deep pockets. Contrary to the theory of my high school humanities teacher, I can manage to be quiet and listen long enough to get the point (Ritalin be damned). Sort of makes me feel guilty for wishing at times that I did have a degree, a trust fund, and some semblance of an attention span. It is my firm belief that things happen for a reason. Sure, we question them, and for good reason I suppose (we are “intelligent” we can’t help but over-analyze everything), but then it all comes together. If I had a degree, a trust fund, and an attention span I’d be flat out dangerous. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m thinking something along the lines of “youngest President in U.S. history”. Not a bad thing…if you're an American citizen. For now I’ll have to settle with becoming the youngest Governor of Texas (or Lieutenant Governor, I’m no snob). Routine? Yeah right.

A little side note...I didn't actually post this while I was on the plane, but it was written up there.

Insert Willie Nelson lyric here "....."

As the title implies, I am on the road again. Well, soon to be anyway. I'm headed to Virginia, land of coal mines and John Denver songs...or is that West Virginia? Anyway, it's home to the next customer I'm visiting. Another in and out trip, not even enough time to zip up to Washington D.C. and kick it with G Dub. That's what I call him...we're cool like that. I'm getting pretty familiar with the east coast and great lakes states. I'm looking forward to seeing Virginia, evidently this is the time of year to see it. I'm not, however, looking forward to losing an hour of sleep. Time zone changes are always such a beating. I get to the hotel, turn the air conditioner down to -10 degrees, flip open the laptop and turn on the news. I'm running on Texas time, so when it's midnight there, I'm still wide awake. Then the morning comes. When I'm at home I'm up at seven, dressed, and on the road in no time. On the east coast evidently everyone gets started at, oh, six o'clock in the morning. This means I have to be up by four thirty or five Texas time, which in turn means that by three o'clock that afternoon I'm a walking zombie. I can't put together cohesive sentences, can't tie my shoes, drive, or give any sort of worthwhile advice to customers. Oh I fake it, try to sound like I know what I'm doing, but it usually comes out like "Well, uh, I would suggest you...you...YOU...hey you, you're a cool dude, you know it? Man...this guy right here...yeah, this guy...man. C'mere and gimme some sugar." Very embarrassing. I don't normally call someone a "cool dude", and very rarely do I ask any dude for some "sugar", but when I'm deprived of sleep, anything can happen. So yeah, I'm off to Virginia. If you see that I've been thrown in jail for sexual harrassment, call and put in a good word for me.