Any Takers?

New bumper sticker. Should be cheap. You know you want one.

The Earth is a Cube and Hot Snow Falls Up...

I have a consensus on that. Me, the homeless guy I met in Ohio, and Gaia all agree. That's enough right? Apparently it doesn't take much more than that for the media and the acolytes of Al Gore to decide that 'the debate on global warming is done'.

Not. So. Fast.

Turns out there were more than 400 leading scientists that disagree with the global warming theory (and it is that...a theory). Amazing, I'd never heard that before. CNN said the debate was over:

"We're done." O’Brien also declared on CNN on February 9, 2006 that scientific skeptics of man-made catastrophic global warming “are bought and paid for by the fossil fuel industry, usually.”

Ah, those sneaky fossil fuel lobbyists. ABC News couldn't even find the fossil fuel backed, Earth hating scientists:

“After extensive searches, ABC News has found no such [scientific] debate."

Found "no such debate". An 'extensive' Google search that I just did, in about 30 seconds, did find several such debates. Guess they didn't want to fire up the old PC...wouldn't want to stress the power grid and force 'fossil fuel industry' workers to have to feed more baby seals into the carbon belching power plants. How noble.

The fact of the matter is that there are debates, lots of them really, about the credence of the global warming claims. Contrary to what the dope on CNN mentioned, criticism and scrutiny of said theory are being volleyed by credible scientists. As it turns out, there are those in the scientific community that aren't willing to watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' and buy in whole-heartedly.

It was only thirty-three years ago that the scientific community had reached another, quite different, "consensus". Seen here:

As they review the bizarre and unpredictable weather pattern of the past several years, a growing number of scientists are beginning to suspect that many seemingly contradictory meteorological fluctuations are actually part of a global climatic upheaval. However widely the weather varies from place to place and time to time, when meteorologists take an average of temperatures around the globe they find that the atmosphere has been growing gradually cooler for the past three decades. The trend shows no indication of reversing. Climatological Cassandras are becoming increasingly apprehensive, for the weather aberrations they are studying may be the harbinger of another ice age.

Really. An impending ice age. To top it all off, the "trend shows no indication of reversing." Evidently it has...so much so that now we're not going to freeze to death, we're going to drown in glacial waters from melting ice caps.

The bottom line, in my totally uneducated (and thus as qualified as Al Gore) opinion, is this: The climate changes. It's always changed. It always will change. Core samples taken from glaciers show that for the past million years the Earth has warmed and cooled for absolutely no good reason. It does because it can. The audacity expressed by scientists, politicians, and blinded eco-nuts that mankind can, would, and should control the climate is laughable, if not completely crazy. Who's to say that the climate we have now is the perfect climate? If you're living in sunny Palm Springs you may think so...but what if you live in Ethiopia? Think they'd like a little more rain? It's not up to us.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be good stewards of the planet. We should. It's a gift from The Almighty and we should treat it as such. But we were also gifted with common sense...well...most of us anyway, and it tells us that just because I drove my truck to the airport it doesn't mean that I just evicted a polar bear from his home. We already have taxes in place to combat wanton vehicle pollution, if you've ever had your car inspected you know that. Sure we can research other fuels, but how many years are we from a viable fuel replacement? When that fuel comes out, and it'll let me get 50mpg and 300 horsepower then I'm in.

Mark my words: In a year, or two, or twenty scientists and the general public will look back at this 'theory' and see it for what it is, an excuse for people to be burdened by more taxes as well as an excuse for a washed up ex-vice president to gain the spotlight for a brief moment in time.

1 in 194481

At least I think that might be right. Could be 1 in 84, but the other sounds better. What am I talking about? Well I'll tell you. I'm in Dallas tonight...the little brother and I went out and grabbed some seafood (shrimp brochette rocks) and headed back here to the hotel. We got back to the room, checked the fantasy football scores, and watched some TV. I became parched, and after watching that video on the internet of the hotel cleaning woman wiping down the toilet, then wiping down the glasses in the room, I needed a canned drink. So off we went to the vending machine. I pumped A DOLLAR FIFTY into the machine and got nothing. Machine down. So we bounced to the fourth floor, same story. On to the seventh floor and was robbed again. Down to the sixth floor. SAME FREAKIN STORY. Now you may be asking yourself, why didn't you just stop at the first machine and go downstairs? Because time is money, that's why. It'd taken fifteen minutes to go down there, talk to the desk, get my money back, then get a coke. My time is worth more. However, my time is not worth more than six bucks, so I went down to the desk. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: Uh, yeah, I've been to four different coke machines here and have been robbed by each and every one.

Clerk: Which ones? (Looks at a list behind the counter)

Me: Well there was three, four, seven and six.

Clerk: Yep, you got them all. How much did you lose?

Me: I got them all? What are the freakin odds of that? Am I an idiot, did I miss the out of order signs? Six bucks.

Clerk: No, probably not. Ok, here's your money back. We're renovating. There's a good machine over there.

Me: Ok? Thanks.


My brother and I then searched for the "good machine", which was hidden down a labyrinth of halls in a car rental center. I paid a smooth Washington for a can of coke. It was at that point that we looked at the vending machine next to mine. It was the most confusing, and depressing, vending machine I've ever seen. Beneath the Cheese Danish they had...tampons. That's right. Two things that should absolutely, positively, never ever be in the same vending machine together were right there. I'm not sure what kind of twisted individual would stock a vending machine in such a manner, but that person is likely in prison (or soon will be). Shocked, we took a picture of it with our cell phones and left.

It wasn't until after we went back upstairs that I realized that the clerk actually had a list of broken machines. They knew four machines were down. I happened to find them all which is, in and of itself, rather amazing. I could play the lotto for a decade and never get four numbers. As swift and appropriate retribution my brother and I "tied up" their elevators. Next stop? Floors 1 through 21. I did feel slightly guilty when two older ladies stepped into one of the elevators we'd sabotaged, but hey, they looked like they might enjoy a thirty minute elevator ride. Probably have lots to talk about.

Razorwire Cayenne

I travel...a lot. East coast, west coast, the Great Lakes states, the gulf states, everywhere. The one constant that I've encountered is that the toiletries hotel's stock these days are made for 14 year old girls. All of them. Doesn't matter what hotel, doesn't matter where, they're all ridiculously perfumed. Let's run down what lavish scents I have at my disposal tonight:

Coconut Lime Verbena
Lemongrass Sage
Warm Vanilla Sugar

If I were to bathe with any of these items I'd come out smelling like a woman in a cat-house. Sadly, I have little choice here. I could refrain from bathing, which at this point is a viable option. Think about it, if you're talking to a 25 year old man and he smells like BO and musk you'd probably think "that guy needs a shower." I can live with that, it almost implies that you've been working. If you talk to the same man, and he smells like Coconut Lime Verbena, you're going to think "that guy probably knows Andy Dick." And just what in the hell is Verbena? Who decided that it smelled nice enough to mix it with Coconuts and Limes? And why Coconuts and Limes? Why not tiger-lilies and unicorn farts? Give that fragrance a whirl.

All I'm saying is that I'd like a choice here. I've got to think that there's at least a 50/50 split between men and women staying at hotels. Give us some options. Instead of Lemongrass Sage, how about some Razorwire Cayenne? That just sounds killer. "What's that smell? Kind of like a mexican food restaurant in the middle of a junk yard." You'd wear it. I know why we don't have that scent...because men don't complain about it. We get to the hotel, turn on the TV, set the AC down to -25 degrees, and do nothing. We wake up 10 minutes before we have to leave and shower in a complete fog. By the time we realize that we smell like a French prostitute we're in the middle of a meeting wondering why the guy in the loafers won't quit giving you the eye. Damn Verbena.

Just Doing My Part

While watching Sunday Night Football, and seeing the groundbreaking coverage of climate change that NBC is kicking off, I remembered an article that I'd read years ago in the June 1978 issue of Unpopular Mechanics. Naturally, due to its earth-shatteringly startling discovery, it's been buried by the Karl Rovian mindcrime unit. So, as my little contribution to the solution to global climate change, I give you that article.

SPCC Professor Creates Zero Emission Engine

Professor Steven Nausbaum appears to be just another contemplative educator at South Plains Community College. He appears to be a very unassuming man, and were it not for the magnificent machine sitting proudly in his mothers garage, a very unassuming man he'd remain.

What sort of "machine" is it exactly? To put it simply, it is the solution to the worlds increasing energy crisis and impending ice age. He's single-handedly created a zero-emission engine that uses absolutely no fossil fuel.

"It's simple really, I can't believe I didn't think of it before."

His modesty belies the intricate parts that he himself created. The hours of toil and sweat. The barrage of cruel names and accusations leveled at him by his mother. Throughout all of this he knew his mission, and would let nothing impede him.

"The first three prototypes were total failures. The problem was with the fuel. My goal was to make a self-perpetuating engine, one that never needed a fill up. I began to realize that this was a fools game that flew in the face of several laws of nature and relativity." Says Nausbaum.

Though several of his R&D assistants, also members of his local D&D cadre, suggested that he alter these laws, it became clear after the eleventh engine that this option was not viable unless they also concurrently developed a Back To The Future type time travel device.

"We realized that we just didn't have the time. Daniel argued for days on the theory that in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure they gave themselves time because they controlled time. A valid point, sure, but no one was convinced that they could remember to leave Bill's dads keys in the jail should they be arrested."

With such mind-bending and radical theories being considered, it is no surprise their labors would prove fruitful beyond belief.

"There it was, the whole time, the answer had been sitting over there in that corner. Not the book on thermodepolymerization, the D&D quest book and Andy."

That book and the middle aged, single, overweight and odoriferous man holding it would spark the flame that would eventually lead to a successful model.

"We realized that though we couldn't simply run an engine on nothing, but there was one source of energy that was constantly being produced, but not utilized. Human flatulence. Andy has battled a spastic colon for years, as it turned out he emitted enough methane to drive from Chicago to Ontario on a daily basis."

Surely this momentous discovery would solve the worlds problems. After some modifications to the eighth prototype they began testing with Andy. The results were less than promising.

"We soon found our worst fears to be true. Though the anal ruminations of Andy were enough to propel a four cylinder engine for miles, any normal human being subsisting on a diet of anything other than cabbage and Diet Tab would never produce enough fuel to even drive to the local comic book store."

That's where the other part of the equation, the D&D book, would play it's part.

"It is widely known that there is no more powerful and majestic animal on Earth than the Unicorn. It was widely thought within certain circles that a single ounce of Unicorn blood could cure all the worlds diseases and power the entire planet for almost three centuries. Of course, should one shed the blood of a Unicorn he would never reach the gates of Valhalla, nor level 48."

This was a risk that none in the Nausbaum team seemed willing to take. They attempted to enlist the help of Brandina, a local goth who seemed more than willing to spend an eternity in Purgatory. They soon found that she was simply a "poseur".

"We consulted the books, poured over them really. It just so happened that we were on a specific quest..."

Nausbaums explanation of the quest has been omitted by his request, due to the possibility that it would give away his trade secret, as well as vanquish any possibility of getting a steady girlfriend.

"Amazing really. A single Unicorn hair! Genius really. I set out at once to find a source for this. Knowing that a Unicorn can only be tamed by someone pure of spirit and of heart we decided that my brother Ricky should be the one to seek the Unicorn's hair."

Unfortunately for the team, Ricky made it only as far as the 7/11 on South Main before he was savagely beaten by a group of "unbelievers". It was thought that his long robe and traditional Wizard hat may have initiated the scuffle. Ricky's severe Tourettes syndrome may have also contributed.

"Luckily Andy knew a man that he'd met at the Pegasus Loft who had connections to a man in Burma who could attain such a thing for a price. This would have been helpful information to have before we sent my brother to his unfortunate thrashing, but we acted on it in any case. My federal grant almost covered the cost, the rest was donated by Daniels aunt Jolene."

With the final piece of the puzzle it was only a matter of time until the picture came together.

"The hair came to us quickly, really quickly actually. We were initially very upset because it had not been vacuum packed as we requested. The upside was that we could finally complete the work. We had a local expert in mythical biology confirm that the hairs were indeed authentic, then worked on a delivery system. That's when things turned ugly."

Nausbaums mother, who his team now believes was a plant for the Oil Industry, had apparently had enough of his "Nonsensical grab-assing tomfoolery." She made this statement very clear.

"She'd trashed everything. The flatulence containment system, the combustion chamber, even the sacred hairs! I knew that she was jealous of my invention and the fame and hot ladies it would attract."

But the fame and hot ladies would not come. His flatulence containment system, which looked uncannily like two Mountain Dew bottles held together with duct tape, had been damaged beyond repair. The hairs, which the team had paid nearly a quarter of a million dollars for, had been flushed unceremoniously down the toilet.

"We were crestfallen. Andy severely burned himself trying combust the flatulence directly from the source, as the containment system was destroyed. It was the endgame."

Though they never successfully tested their Flatulence/Unicorn hair powered engine, which would have reportedly gotten an amazing 12,300 miles per gallon, all hope had not been dashed.

"We immediately began work on another engine at an undisclosed location, one out of the grip of the Oil Industry...and my mother."

We wait with bated breath on the on the next development from the Nausbaum team. Godspeed team Nausbaum. Godspeed.

Compelling stuff. Tragically the Nausbaum teams secret location, which turned out to be at Nausbaums aunts garage, burned to the ground shortly thereafter. So close to a solution. The world weeps for the Unicorn/Flatulence powered engine.

Uber-Geek Battle Royale

I finally purchased a PS3 last weekend. I won't tell you the pains that it took to get it (it involved eGift certificates and a certain retailers inability to show that the 8 consoles they had in store were actually 'in-stock' on the web). Point is, I got one. 60GB worth of storage, WiFi ready, Bluetooth Controllers, and a BluRay drive capable of producing a 1080p resolution picture. Nice.

It wasn't until I started looking into a new gaming console that I realized the great chasm that had developed between the Microsoft Xbox crowd and the Sony Playstation group. We have a bit of that divide in our office. It all boils down to a sort of "my dad can beat up your dad" mentality. Is one better than the other? Sure, probably. You just can't ask anyone who owns only one. I am not impartial. I just plunked down half a thousand dollars on a PS3, so you think I'm going to tout the greatness of an Xbox 360? Not likely. Personally I don't care for the Xbox. Not because Microsoft makes it, not because its technically inferior, but because I don't like the controller. Plain and simple. Does it do some things better than a PS3, it might, but I won't likely find out.

I've owned so many gaming consoles in my life that it'd be hard to count them. From the Nintendo, to the Super Nintendo, to the Sega Genesis, on to the PS, PS2, and now the PS3. I still have my original Playstation somewhere. It still works. I've had two PS2's, apparently they don't like dog hair in the air filter. I've had great success with the Playstations, they've lasted quite a while, and seem to be pretty up on things. Granted, PS3 hit the starting gate a little late in the game, but I think that may have worked out for the best. They had an opportunity to see what everyone else was offering, then one up them. You want WiFi on an Xbox, got to buy a module. Same thing goes for High Def movie playback.

I guess the bottom line is this: To each his own. You like Xbox, fine. You like PS3, fine. You like the Nintendo Wii, you might be a little gay. You just have to stick with what works for you.

But you'll wish you bought a PS3...chumps.

I Am All Talk.

The title says it all...I've laid down my arms and surrendered about 150 bucks to the Runaway Bay Municipal court in hopes that I can take "Defensive Driving". So we'll see if the judge approves my request. Of course, then I have to pay who knows how much for defensive driving, and spend a day of my life re-learning how to drive...defensively. On the up side one of the local mexican food restaurants gives you a free meal with the defensive driving course, so there's that. Not sure if they also serve beer with it. Can you drive defensively after four or five Bud Lights? I tend to get a little defensive after a few, so logic tells me that should transfer right over to the driving. Guess that'll be one of the things they teach us. I wouldn't mind learning how to do a J turn either. That'd be a sweet defensive move there. We'll just have to see how the course goes. This may be a good thing, could help alleviate my mild to moderate road rage in the process. Or it could intensify it. I've always heard that the best defense is a good offense, or is it the other way around? Again, I'll have to check with the instructor, that seems like it'd be important information. So anyway, just thought I'd bare my shame and admit defeat. Ultimately the prospect of having higher insurance rates just wore me down. But rest assured, should another injustice of this magnitude occur, I'll complain as loud and as many times as possible. Believe that.
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Now playing: Breaking Benjamin - Breath
http://foxytunes.com/artist/breaking+benjamin/track/breath