Day 1 - My Name is Cole...

And I'm fat.  Yep.  Pretty fat.  I'm also sluggish.  My wit isn't as sharp as it used to be either.  

I'm not just mentioning this because I'm masochistic, I'm mentioning it because I'm tired of it.  Today I've started a new way of eating, and living, in an effort to reclaim my health and energy...and no I'm not going to try and sell anyone anything (not that anyone else reads this), although if you'd like to send cash, I'm sure we can arrange it.

So here are my stats, for posterity, on Day 1:

Age: 31

Weight: 238lbs

Height: 5'11"

Waist: 38

Goal Weight: 185lbs

Weight Left to Lose: 53lbs

I'm not going to spend an inordinate amount of time proselytizing on the method that I'm using to get healthy.  I will say that I'm not purchasing any weight loss products, nor am I buying a gym membership (for now).  I know what you're thinking..."He's going to do cocaine!".  That'd be a good guess, but no.  It's just too expensive (that was a joke).  I'm going to focus on diet, then work in exercise.  Through research, the diet that fits my life best at this point is Paleo.  It makes sense, it gets results, and it includes bacon...and I'm fairly certain anything that includes bacon is the cats pajamas.  I'm not putting a time frame on the diet (the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around admittedly), I'm going to change my lifestyle in order to be healthier...and by proxy...not fat, lethargic, and dull-witted.

I'm not yet old enough that I don't remember what it felt like to be in shape.  I can remember the energy and stamina I had at 185lbs.  I would guess that plenty of men have this same epiphany earlier in life (before they're married)...well, like I said, I've grown slow witted.

I'm married now, and have two phenomenal little boys.  I want to be around for all of them, and I want to be there for a long, long time.  Eating the way I am now isn't going to facilitate that.   I'm self-aware enough that I've gone through these cycles before (new years eve anyone?), but this time have the buy in and support of my gorgeous, witty, and altogether awesome wife.  

So I'm going to post results here weekly.  Again, I'm fairly certain my readership is somewhere between zero and two, so it's not for support or kudos...if anything, I'll give the link to this blog to my boys when they're old enough, and they can see what a chubby, jaded guy their dad was back when he was fat.

The Turn

Last night marked a change in the country.

Granted, the change had already occurred...last night was simply confirmation of it.  The United States of America, or rather 50% of her, chose big government and the nanny-state over liberty.  Chose hand-outs rather than a hand-up.  It's a sad, disgusting time.

I don't want to sound fatalist about it all.  America has endured so many terrible events in her history.  World Wars, depression, Civil War, floods, famines, droughts...we've seen it all.  The difference, and the bit that worries me, is this:  We rose to those occasions.  We, as a people, buckled down and pulled through.  We worked hard, harder than anyone expected us to.  We sacrificed our sons and daughters.  We fought, brother against brother.  We defeated evil, we stood strong and defiant in the face of overwhelming odds...not because our government told us to, but because we had faith in an Almighty God, and had the pride and courage to press on.

I say "We".  That isn't actually the case.  "They" did all those things.  Our fore bearers, those that came before us that granted us the gift that is this country. "We" on the other hand, have grown soft and compliant.  Amazing, considering that our forefathers tamed this country.  They struck out, with little more than hope, and built the foundation our country is built on.  They fought a tyrannical government for independence.  They created a society that has endured because of freedom, not in spite of it.  They resisted oppression, both in their own country and in others.  "They" provided the example.  "We" ignored it.

We were a republic.  A place where each state decided what was best for her people, with a limited federal government to hold us together. The balance has shifted.  No longer is our government limited...they now have a hand in every facet of our lives...from what to eat, to what we drive, what we wear, the list is endless.   Our forefathers would wring their hands in disgust at what we've allowed this country to become in a few short generations.  They would say "How can a country, so rich in blessings, be so bankrupt spiritually and mentally"?  They'd have a good point.

Last night, 59 million people said "let the government choose for me".  Shocking.  Shocking because the government has proven in the last century that everything they touch becomes more expensive and less efficient.  Government, it seems, no longer exists to protect the rights of our people...rather it now exists to perpetuate itself.  Last night, it made significant strides in doing so.  Are we so ignorant, as a people, that we require guidance from an all powerful government in every single decision of our lives?  A government made up of human beings...as fallible, lazy, boastful, and corrupt as any other in society.  A decade ago, I would have said no.  Today, I say at least half of us may be...or rather, half of us have grown so accustomed to living off of the backs of other people, that their primary concern is whether they'll continue to get their gratis, responsibility free lives.  Half of us have bought into the lie that morality is the root of intolerance.  Half of us believe that success should not be lauded, but should be looted.  Our honor, our sense of justice and pride, have atrophied.  I'm terrified as to what the treatment for such an atrophy may be...what may be so jarring to our country that would snap that half of the country out of their government induced stupor.  Sadly, we're likely to find out.

Do I believe that America will survive this?  Sure.  Though not the bold, adventurous, blessed America we all once knew.  We will survive as a bland amalgam of those who take, and those who provide for the takers at the end of a barrel.  We'll be told our religion prevents tolerance...so we need to abandon it.  We'll be told that we all need to "pay our fair share"...though we won't be told how much that is, and won't see a return on our investment.  We'll be told that our morals make us pariahs...don't you want to be loved by everyone?  We'll be shown that hard work doesn't pay...or at least it doesn't improve your station in life.  We'll be told to let the government choose for us...they have our "best interest" in mind.

Those of us with honor, with pride, with strength of character will resist.  We will pour everything we have into righting the ship before it capsizes.  Our media has abandoned us, don't expect to see stories on the network news about those of us who simply won't bend to the will of a government proven to lie, cheat, and steal when convenient.  We'll be branded: obstructionists, racists, bigots.  We'll hear the claims so often that their true, awful, meanings will be lost on our people.  We must not waver.  Our brothers and sisters will need independent, hard working men and women.  People who know the value of a days work.  People who know that if given a shotgun, a Bible, and a compass they'll never go hungry, never lack for guidance, and never be lost.

Do not lose hope.  Though we may not succeed in stemming the tide of big government and socialism at this moment, this seemingly endless cycle of debt and handouts, moral bankruptcy and reverse racism, cannot be sustained.  When it fails, as it inevitably will, we will be left to pick up the pieces.  Let us pray that when we're called, we'll rise to the occasion, and generations ahead of us will point to a time when America faltered, but her proud people picked her up, dusted her off, and set her back on the path to prosperity.

God bless the United States of America...You know we need it.

Occupy Wall Street? Occupy Reality Instead.

I'm going on record...the "Occupy Wall Street" movement will end with a whimper.  Though I've been wrong before, I sincerely hope this prediction is accurate...otherwise we're in a tailspin as a country that'll be near impossible to steer out of.

Let me get this straight, they hope to capitalize on the average citizens disillusionment with "corporate America" or "the wealthy" to affect change (which apparently, judging by the mishmash of messages appears to be a move towards socialism)?  The average citizen is busy working their tail off to maintain what they have, or if they're lucky, get ahead...something that's incredibly difficult to do in this economy.

The average *working* citizen doesn't wake up in the morning and say "Damn, that Wall Street is really beating me down."  Generally speaking, they get their paycheck and say "Damn, that Uncle Sam is robbing me blind."

If I don't support a particular company, or their "lack of humanity" I DON'T BUY THEIR PRODUCTS.  That's the beauty of capitalism.  If a company sucks...either by the products they offer or their "evil" business practices, you can choose to let them die by refusing to purchase their products.

Try doing the same when you disagree with how much income tax you pay.  Or how much Social Security tax you pay...that you'll never get back.  Or how much you pay in Medicare.  Or how much tax you pay on a gallon of gas.  The list is endless, and for most of us, inevitable.

These people advocate additional taxation on the "1%"?  Laughable.  How about the 47% that pay absolutely nothing in tax, and in return are rewarded with a check of varying amounts courtesy of my taxes?  I'm by no means wealthy...Wall Street doesn't piss me off.  It's business, and businesses are in it to make money so that people like me can make a living.  I'm pissed that my tax dollars are subsidizing a bunch of whiny-ass, unorganized chuds.  You're not the 99%.  You're the .00009% who had the means to get to a rally, who have no real interest in gainful employment (otherwise you wouldn't be camped out for weeks, pissing in shrubs and handing out communist literature), or if you did have interest in gainful employment it was dashed because you realized that no one in the business world will pay you $250,000 a year for your degree in Journalism (a degree that probably cost you a minimum of $50,000).  You've been fleeced...and not by "big bad business" but by the feel-good liberalism that permeates our society.

If you're at one of these rallies, and you really want to change the world, go home.  Get a job.  It's likely that the job will suck.  You'll get some experience, you'll move on to a job that likely sucks less.  You'll work your way up in the world.  You'll have setbacks, sure. You're experiencing one now if you genuinely want work but can't find it.  Aim lower, be realistic.  Unlike what we were told in school, you can't be anything you want, not immediately anyway.  You'll get out of work exactly what you put into it.  There's a chance you'll be dealt a dirty hand, it happens.  Maybe it wasn't your fault, maybe it isn't fair.  There is one constant...Life, as a general rule, isn't fair.  It's not up to the government to make it fair, not up to your parents, nor Wall Street.  It's up to you to make your slice of the world a better place.

The answer isn't more taxation, unless it comes in the form of a flat tax that treats everyone equally.  The answer isn't more government...they've proven time and again that they're wholly incapable of operating within their means, or resolving any real issues.  Government, in its current form, exists only to perpetuate itself.  The answer is accountability.  Be accountable.  When our grandparents, or great grandparents, experienced hardship they tightened their belts.  They worked harder, longer hours.  If they accepted charity, or welfare, it was temporary.  There was pride to be had in working, and earning, a living.

We have grown increasingly disconnected with reality as a culture.  We're told to be good...but not too good lest we offend those who won't perform.  We're told that success should be punished...why should someone have something nicer than me after all?  We're told that everyone is equal, though some are more equal than others.  We're told that the government has all the answers...a statement that has been wholly invalidated in the United States since the "New Deal".

If you want to get ahead...work for it.  Or be born with it, and maintain it.  Or win it in a lottery.  Or sell an idea.  Or invent something.  That's the beauty, or at least it was, of our country.  Success is a low hanging fruit for those willing to seize it.  Unfortunately, as an incredibly vain society "success" has been redefined as being a millionaire, or owning a Ferrari, or being a star.

I don't have a million dollars in the bank, but I'm successful.  I have a faith that provides peace and salvation.  I have a family that I love, and that loves me.  I live in a home that shelters us from the elements.  I have a job that allows me to provide for my family.  I have a 55" LCD TV (hey...I worked for it).  Maybe some day I'll get that million, maybe not.  If I do, it won't be because the government did me any favors, it'll be because we elected some leaders with common sense that work day by day to lessen the impact of government in my life.

So pack up your tent.  Pour out your patchouli oil.  Throw away your freshly printed copy of the Communist Manifesto.  Go home, wherever that may be, and get started on your own path to success.  If you're any sort of man (or woman), the money and life you earn will be far more valuable than any handout you receive.

Running Scared

Amusing web ad from the GOP.  Good stuff.

I Can't Stop Watching This...

Cats.  Although they're completely useless and overtly hate the human race, it's small nuggets like this that lead me to swerve away from some of them in the road.

Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize

...And in related news the guy that fixed my tire on Saturday won the Nobel Prize for Physics.  If accomplishing absolutely nothing and promising everything is reason enough to get a Nobel Prize, then almost every politician on the planet is eligible for this award.  I understand that they've given this award not because of what he's done, but because of what he might accidentally do at some point in the future.  I've asked my company to go ahead and pay me now for the industry rocking, ground breaking product that I haven't created yet, but might.  I'm still waiting to hear back from them on when to expect the check.

Not much else to say about this really.  I always sort of thought that this was an actual award, not a politicized throw away medal given to the biggest mouthpiece for liberal tripe at the time.  I would have guessed wrong.

This guy may actually out Jimmy Carter the real Jimmy Carter.

Election Day Rant...Updated

Update: Well...here we are. Mark this down as a historic night for America. We have elected our first African American president, and for that I am proud.

I am not, however, proud of the ideals that were elected. America voted the "hip" guy into office. Have we, as a nation, digressed to the point where the presidential race has become American Idol 2.0? I hope not, but I fear so. They say that the pain induced by Jimmy Carter gave us Ronald Reagan, and I believe that in fifteen years we'll be saying the same thing about Obama. Who will be the next Reagan? There's no way to tell.

So at this point we as conservatives must ask ourselves a few questions: Why did we lose, and what can we do to win in future elections? To me, the answer simply boils down to this...the Republican party became "democrat lite". The dividing line between the two parties has been blurred so severely that few Americans can differentiate between them. We were the party of low taxes, free trade, upholding the constitution, and morality. Until we return to those positions, we are doomed to fail.

The worst possible move that we as a party could make would be to read this election as a sign that we should move closer to the "center". The complete opposite is true. We must redefine ourselves. We must view this as a time for purging the corruption and mediocrity that has crept in to our party like a thief in the night.

We must be different. We must be prepared when the country needs us...and that time will soon be at hand.

This needs to start immediately. Let me kick things off...a prerequisite for future Republican candidates: No lawyers.

On a related note, and potentially the silver lining here, we are now in the position that the democrats have been in for a few years. Why is that a silver lining? Because now it's our turn to be a pain in the ass. Now it's our turn to criticize their chosen one at the drop of a hat, to piss and moan and whine when things don't go our way.

But we won't do that. We won't take that low road. That's not to say that we won't be a pain in their ass, I expect nothing less, but we'll do so by being the voice of reason. We'll be the people who point out that America can't run its engines on hope and unicorn farts, that you can't cut taxes in one breath and spend trillions with the next.

Will it be easy? No, I expect it won't. I expect that things will get far worse before they get better. But they will get better. America has contracted a progressive mental disorder over the past few years. Tonight we see that instead of taking medicine to cure the disease, some in the country took the lollipop and ignored the ailment.

Mark my words, though they may be from the mouth of a no name mid-twenties Texan, we will be that cure. Pray that by the time our fellow countrymen are prepared for the medicine, we'll have prepared to be it.

_________________________________


Yeah...I know I haven't posted anything in months, would you believe I've been busy? No? How about that I just didn't have anything worth putting to paper (or keyboard)? But today is different. Today is important. Today could mark a turning point in the direction our country is headed…will we choose a war hero, or a defeatist. Will we choose a battle tested enemy of terrorists, or a man who wishes to sit down and have tea with them. Will we choose capitalism and democracy, or socialism and authoritarianism. These are our choices.

Now, for the rant portion of this post. The American people, as a whole, have been fleeced. The blame for this lies mostly with the media, who have willingly omitted damning evidence against Obama. There is a veritable laundry list of illegal dealings, shady ties, and outright socialist statements that have been either underplayed, or completely ignored. There was a time, though I may be too young to fully appreciate it, when the media coverage had a modicum of evenhandedness. That time has come and gone. For the most part, the American media wants Obama, and they’ve sold their souls to get him. It would serve us well as a country if we remember this, no matter who wins or loses the election.

I will be the first to say that McCain was (and is) not my favorite Republican candidate. He’s soft on many issues I find to be important. That being said, my choice for president is unbelievably easy. I don’t like paying taxes. I don’t want the government to control any more that what they already do. I don’t want to wave a white flag in the middle of two wars. I don’t want to pay more for electricity because the president and congress think they should force us into conservation.

How lazy, how slow, how blind must a person be to vote for Obama? What has he promised that will make up for his obvious faults? National heathcare? The government can’t manage a disaster, but they’re going to manage the healthcare for millions? Alternative energy? It’s already being worked on, his plan would just make it impossible to afford the energy we have, thus leaving us with no alternative. Tax cuts for 95% of us? How are you going to nationalize healthcare and spend billions on alternative energy and not RAISE taxes on everyone? You can’t. So either he’s lying about what he’s going to do on healthcare and energy, or he’s lying about taxes…bottom line is that he’s a liar.

He is equivalent to the “cool uncle” at your family reunion. He’s the one that’ll give you a beer when you’re not old enough to drink. He’ll tell you a dirty joke or two. You think to yourself “Man, wouldn’t it be great to live with that guy?” So you spend a week with him and his family one summer. He doesn’t work, you’re eating ramen noodles with hotdogs in them, and you can’t wait to get back home. Sure you have to work at home, but at least you’re not living off of government cheese and off-brand menthol cigarettes.

I don’t know how the election will turn out today, and either way it goes I feel confident that America will survive, but if we make the wrong decision today America will be damaged. We were founded on a few basic principles, our constitution guarantees them. Obama doesn’t agree with our constitution, with our national anthem, with our way of life period. Why elect someone who so hates this country to RUN this country? Should the worst happen, and the piss-ignorant rule the day, I hope that I am proven wrong. I hope that the “Hope and Change” Obama speaks of isn’t an analogy for the “Hammer and Sickle”.

So, go to the polls, it’s your God given and Constitutionally enforced right. Vote for substance, not buzz words and pseudo-socialism. Vote for strength, not defeat. Vote for John McCain, because a vote for anyone else nigh guarantees that we will pay a terrible price for poor decisions.

So until tomorrow (unless Obama is elected, at which point I may be “censored”), go and vote (unless you’re an idiot, or lazy, or commie, or all three). Let’s hope that the sun shines on our party, and God help America if it doesn’t.

Fun with Telemarketers...Volume 1...Updated with Audio

I work in technical support. When I'm not on the road, I'm in the office answering phones. Anyone who answers the phone a great deal can understand how frustrating it can be when you pick up the line and find a telemarketer at the other end of the line. Some in my department hang up, others press zero and proceed to lambaste the person at the other end of the line with "THIS IS AN OFFICE" type remark. I find both to be less than effective. My method involves keeping them on the line as long as possible, leading them on and causing mass confusion. I've started recording these sessions, and I'll post them as soon as I can edit them (I do keep them on hold a great deal) and clean them up. Until then, here's a bit of a transcript from the last call.

Telemarketer: Someone Selling Extended Car Warranties
February 2008

TM Corey: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson (I gave them the name James Simpson).

Me: Uh, yeah, who's this? Colby?

TM Corey: Uh, no sir, it's Corey.

Me: Oh, OK. What can you tell me about this insurance Colby?

TM Corey: Corey. It's not insurance, actually it's extended warranty. What is the make and model of your current vehicle?

Me: I have a 1981 Buick Century.

TM Corey: Um, OK, a 1981 Buick Century?

Me: Yeah.

TM Corey: OK, and how many miles are on the Century Mr. Simpson?

Me: Oh, I'm not sure, let me check....

(Here I placed him on hold for approximately 10 minutes)

Me: Corby?

TM Corey: Yes?

Me: OK, there's 172, 348 miles on it.

TM Corey: OK...

Me: But now, I can't be sure whether that number is right. My son used to drive it when he shouldn't, so he'd drive it out and then drive it home in reverse so that the miles would roll back.

TM Corey: That works?

Me: I'm sure it does...why would he lie about lying to me?

TM Corey: Um, OK, so you're not sure about the miles?

Me: Not really, no.

TM Corey: OK, and are there any mechanical problems with the car?

Me: Well, no. I mean, someone stole the catalytic converter off it.

TM Corey: (sounding confused) They stole your catalytic converter?

Me: Hell yes. The guy was fast too. I tried to catch him.

TM Corey: You actually saw the guy do it?

Me: Yeah, but he was fast as hell.

TM Corey: OK, so the catalytic converter is missing. Are there any other issues with the vehicle?

Me: Well my son took it fishing, and he left some bait in the back of the car, so it stinks like hell. I don't guess that's a knock against it though. It's pretty cherry.

TM Corey: OK, yeah. It's cherry? OK. That is quite a few miles, let me transfer you to my shift manager Matt, uh, there's a lot of miles on this.

Me: OK Corby, thanks.

(Here they transfer me to another guy)

TM Matt: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson.

Me: Huh?

TM Matt: Good afternoon. I understand that you have a 1981 Buick Century with 172,000 miles?

Me: Yeah.

TM Matt: OK, well our system is designed to kick out anything that old automatically, however I see here that the car is in good condition.

Me: Yeah, except for the missing catalytic converter.

TM Matt: A missing...OK. Well I'm going to go ahead an approve this and transfer you back to Corey. Just let him know that I approved this OK?

(Transferred back to Corey)

TM Corey: Hello, Mr. Simpson?

Me: Corby?

TM Corey: Corey, yes. I see that they approved your warranty status. Could you get me the Vehicle Identification Number from your car?

Me: Oh, yeah sure, hang on.

(Another ten minute hold)

Me: OK, that number is K92GB1

TM Corey: That's the number from your VIN plate?

Me: Yep, that's the number from my ID plate.

TM Corey: Well, um, are you sure that's not your license plate number?

Me: Yeah, right, the vehicle ID plate.

(Here I argue with him about the vehicle ID Plate for several minutes)

Me: OK, well this is getting frustrating. You aught to be happy that I'm still on the phone after the derogatory name that the other guy called me.

TM Corey: Matt called you a derogatory name?

Me: Yes he did.

TM Corey: OK, and what did he call you?

Me: I think he called me a Jap.

TM Corey: He called you a...um...are you sure you weren't mistaken?

Me: Are you calling me a liar?

TM Corey: Um, no...no sir. I think you may be mistaken though, I don't think he called you a Jap.

Me: Well OK.

TM Corey: OK well we need the VIN number from the vehicle.

Me: Well Colby, lets get down to the proverbial nut cutting. How much does this insurance cost me?

TM Corey: It's not insurance sir, its warranty, and we can get you started for just three ninety-nine.

Me: OK, three dollars and ninety-nine cents. Sounds reasonable. Does that cover tires?

TM Corey: Uh, no, three HUNDRED and ninety-nine dollars. The warranty covers your drive train and non replaceable parts.

Me: Huh. Well you know it doesn't have a stock engine in it.

TM Corey: It has a new engine?

Me: Well not new, my son dropped an engine out of a 1992 Chevy pickup in it.

TM Corey: He put a pickup engine in it? That's not even possible.

Me: Damn sure is, I'm looking out the window at it. It's fast as hell too. Can't keep tires on it.

TM Corey: Um, oh, well so would you like to put the 399.00 on a credit card or check?

Me: I'd like to put in on a credit card, but my old lady charged them all up before she passed.

TM Corey: Oh, uh, I'm sorry to hear that. So you'll pay by check?

Me: Well, I'm not sure I can afford that.

TM Corey: OK, well let me transfer you to our finance department, he should be able to help you with that.

(transferred to some other guy, not sure of his name)

TM Finance: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson, I understand that 399 is a little too much for your budget.

Me: Yeah, I'm not sure the social security check could cover that.

TM Finance: Well could you cover the cost of repairs?

Me: Well yeah, it's got a good engine in it, from a 1992 Chevy Pickup.

TM Finance: It has a Chevy Pickup engine in it?

Me: Yeah.

TM Finance: Um, OK well I can work with you on this, we can start out at 199 and then pick up with payments...

Me: I'm not sure you're following here. If the insurance was five dollars and a sack full of kitty cats I still couldn't pay you the five dollars.

TM Finance: (unsettled, and catching on) Well, unfortunately we don't take sacks full of kitty cats. We used to, but there was an issue with their claws damaging the scanners...

Me: That is, quite possibly, the wildest-assed thing I've ever heard.

TM Finance: (laughing) Yeah, well, sir I'd like to take kitty cats, I'm old school, but it's got to be a check.

Me: Well the other guy called me a Jap.

TM Finance: (Taken aback) He called you a Jap?

Me: Yeah.

TM Finance: No he didn't.

Me: Damn sure did, and now you're calling me a liar, which is as bad as calling me a Jap.

TM Finance: I'm not calling you a liar, but I don't think he called you a Jap. Your name is Simpson sir, how could he...I mean, he wouldn't even associate that name with Jap.

Me: NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME A JAP?!

TM Finance: No, uh, no sir.

Me: Ok.

TM Finance: Sir, I need the VIN number on the vehicle so we can move forward. It should be on your insurance card.

Me: Well it doesn't have any insurance, that's why I'm talking to you.

TM Finance: It doesn't have insurance? Well if you get pulled over you'll get a ticket.

Me: That's if they can catch me. That car is fast as hell.

TM Finance: Oh, right, I forgot how fast you said it was.




There are several more minutes of this. All totaled the call went on for near 40 minutes. I just don't feel up to typing it all out now. Hopefully I'll have the audio here within the week for all to enjoy. Until then...

Any Takers?

New bumper sticker. Should be cheap. You know you want one.

The Earth is a Cube and Hot Snow Falls Up...

I have a consensus on that. Me, the homeless guy I met in Ohio, and Gaia all agree. That's enough right? Apparently it doesn't take much more than that for the media and the acolytes of Al Gore to decide that 'the debate on global warming is done'.

Not. So. Fast.

Turns out there were more than 400 leading scientists that disagree with the global warming theory (and it is that...a theory). Amazing, I'd never heard that before. CNN said the debate was over:

"We're done." O’Brien also declared on CNN on February 9, 2006 that scientific skeptics of man-made catastrophic global warming “are bought and paid for by the fossil fuel industry, usually.”

Ah, those sneaky fossil fuel lobbyists. ABC News couldn't even find the fossil fuel backed, Earth hating scientists:

“After extensive searches, ABC News has found no such [scientific] debate."

Found "no such debate". An 'extensive' Google search that I just did, in about 30 seconds, did find several such debates. Guess they didn't want to fire up the old PC...wouldn't want to stress the power grid and force 'fossil fuel industry' workers to have to feed more baby seals into the carbon belching power plants. How noble.

The fact of the matter is that there are debates, lots of them really, about the credence of the global warming claims. Contrary to what the dope on CNN mentioned, criticism and scrutiny of said theory are being volleyed by credible scientists. As it turns out, there are those in the scientific community that aren't willing to watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' and buy in whole-heartedly.

It was only thirty-three years ago that the scientific community had reached another, quite different, "consensus". Seen here:

As they review the bizarre and unpredictable weather pattern of the past several years, a growing number of scientists are beginning to suspect that many seemingly contradictory meteorological fluctuations are actually part of a global climatic upheaval. However widely the weather varies from place to place and time to time, when meteorologists take an average of temperatures around the globe they find that the atmosphere has been growing gradually cooler for the past three decades. The trend shows no indication of reversing. Climatological Cassandras are becoming increasingly apprehensive, for the weather aberrations they are studying may be the harbinger of another ice age.

Really. An impending ice age. To top it all off, the "trend shows no indication of reversing." Evidently it has...so much so that now we're not going to freeze to death, we're going to drown in glacial waters from melting ice caps.

The bottom line, in my totally uneducated (and thus as qualified as Al Gore) opinion, is this: The climate changes. It's always changed. It always will change. Core samples taken from glaciers show that for the past million years the Earth has warmed and cooled for absolutely no good reason. It does because it can. The audacity expressed by scientists, politicians, and blinded eco-nuts that mankind can, would, and should control the climate is laughable, if not completely crazy. Who's to say that the climate we have now is the perfect climate? If you're living in sunny Palm Springs you may think so...but what if you live in Ethiopia? Think they'd like a little more rain? It's not up to us.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be good stewards of the planet. We should. It's a gift from The Almighty and we should treat it as such. But we were also gifted with common sense...well...most of us anyway, and it tells us that just because I drove my truck to the airport it doesn't mean that I just evicted a polar bear from his home. We already have taxes in place to combat wanton vehicle pollution, if you've ever had your car inspected you know that. Sure we can research other fuels, but how many years are we from a viable fuel replacement? When that fuel comes out, and it'll let me get 50mpg and 300 horsepower then I'm in.

Mark my words: In a year, or two, or twenty scientists and the general public will look back at this 'theory' and see it for what it is, an excuse for people to be burdened by more taxes as well as an excuse for a washed up ex-vice president to gain the spotlight for a brief moment in time.

1 in 194481

At least I think that might be right. Could be 1 in 84, but the other sounds better. What am I talking about? Well I'll tell you. I'm in Dallas tonight...the little brother and I went out and grabbed some seafood (shrimp brochette rocks) and headed back here to the hotel. We got back to the room, checked the fantasy football scores, and watched some TV. I became parched, and after watching that video on the internet of the hotel cleaning woman wiping down the toilet, then wiping down the glasses in the room, I needed a canned drink. So off we went to the vending machine. I pumped A DOLLAR FIFTY into the machine and got nothing. Machine down. So we bounced to the fourth floor, same story. On to the seventh floor and was robbed again. Down to the sixth floor. SAME FREAKIN STORY. Now you may be asking yourself, why didn't you just stop at the first machine and go downstairs? Because time is money, that's why. It'd taken fifteen minutes to go down there, talk to the desk, get my money back, then get a coke. My time is worth more. However, my time is not worth more than six bucks, so I went down to the desk. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: Uh, yeah, I've been to four different coke machines here and have been robbed by each and every one.

Clerk: Which ones? (Looks at a list behind the counter)

Me: Well there was three, four, seven and six.

Clerk: Yep, you got them all. How much did you lose?

Me: I got them all? What are the freakin odds of that? Am I an idiot, did I miss the out of order signs? Six bucks.

Clerk: No, probably not. Ok, here's your money back. We're renovating. There's a good machine over there.

Me: Ok? Thanks.


My brother and I then searched for the "good machine", which was hidden down a labyrinth of halls in a car rental center. I paid a smooth Washington for a can of coke. It was at that point that we looked at the vending machine next to mine. It was the most confusing, and depressing, vending machine I've ever seen. Beneath the Cheese Danish they had...tampons. That's right. Two things that should absolutely, positively, never ever be in the same vending machine together were right there. I'm not sure what kind of twisted individual would stock a vending machine in such a manner, but that person is likely in prison (or soon will be). Shocked, we took a picture of it with our cell phones and left.

It wasn't until after we went back upstairs that I realized that the clerk actually had a list of broken machines. They knew four machines were down. I happened to find them all which is, in and of itself, rather amazing. I could play the lotto for a decade and never get four numbers. As swift and appropriate retribution my brother and I "tied up" their elevators. Next stop? Floors 1 through 21. I did feel slightly guilty when two older ladies stepped into one of the elevators we'd sabotaged, but hey, they looked like they might enjoy a thirty minute elevator ride. Probably have lots to talk about.

Razorwire Cayenne

I travel...a lot. East coast, west coast, the Great Lakes states, the gulf states, everywhere. The one constant that I've encountered is that the toiletries hotel's stock these days are made for 14 year old girls. All of them. Doesn't matter what hotel, doesn't matter where, they're all ridiculously perfumed. Let's run down what lavish scents I have at my disposal tonight:

Coconut Lime Verbena
Lemongrass Sage
Warm Vanilla Sugar

If I were to bathe with any of these items I'd come out smelling like a woman in a cat-house. Sadly, I have little choice here. I could refrain from bathing, which at this point is a viable option. Think about it, if you're talking to a 25 year old man and he smells like BO and musk you'd probably think "that guy needs a shower." I can live with that, it almost implies that you've been working. If you talk to the same man, and he smells like Coconut Lime Verbena, you're going to think "that guy probably knows Andy Dick." And just what in the hell is Verbena? Who decided that it smelled nice enough to mix it with Coconuts and Limes? And why Coconuts and Limes? Why not tiger-lilies and unicorn farts? Give that fragrance a whirl.

All I'm saying is that I'd like a choice here. I've got to think that there's at least a 50/50 split between men and women staying at hotels. Give us some options. Instead of Lemongrass Sage, how about some Razorwire Cayenne? That just sounds killer. "What's that smell? Kind of like a mexican food restaurant in the middle of a junk yard." You'd wear it. I know why we don't have that scent...because men don't complain about it. We get to the hotel, turn on the TV, set the AC down to -25 degrees, and do nothing. We wake up 10 minutes before we have to leave and shower in a complete fog. By the time we realize that we smell like a French prostitute we're in the middle of a meeting wondering why the guy in the loafers won't quit giving you the eye. Damn Verbena.

Just Doing My Part

While watching Sunday Night Football, and seeing the groundbreaking coverage of climate change that NBC is kicking off, I remembered an article that I'd read years ago in the June 1978 issue of Unpopular Mechanics. Naturally, due to its earth-shatteringly startling discovery, it's been buried by the Karl Rovian mindcrime unit. So, as my little contribution to the solution to global climate change, I give you that article.

SPCC Professor Creates Zero Emission Engine

Professor Steven Nausbaum appears to be just another contemplative educator at South Plains Community College. He appears to be a very unassuming man, and were it not for the magnificent machine sitting proudly in his mothers garage, a very unassuming man he'd remain.

What sort of "machine" is it exactly? To put it simply, it is the solution to the worlds increasing energy crisis and impending ice age. He's single-handedly created a zero-emission engine that uses absolutely no fossil fuel.

"It's simple really, I can't believe I didn't think of it before."

His modesty belies the intricate parts that he himself created. The hours of toil and sweat. The barrage of cruel names and accusations leveled at him by his mother. Throughout all of this he knew his mission, and would let nothing impede him.

"The first three prototypes were total failures. The problem was with the fuel. My goal was to make a self-perpetuating engine, one that never needed a fill up. I began to realize that this was a fools game that flew in the face of several laws of nature and relativity." Says Nausbaum.

Though several of his R&D assistants, also members of his local D&D cadre, suggested that he alter these laws, it became clear after the eleventh engine that this option was not viable unless they also concurrently developed a Back To The Future type time travel device.

"We realized that we just didn't have the time. Daniel argued for days on the theory that in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure they gave themselves time because they controlled time. A valid point, sure, but no one was convinced that they could remember to leave Bill's dads keys in the jail should they be arrested."

With such mind-bending and radical theories being considered, it is no surprise their labors would prove fruitful beyond belief.

"There it was, the whole time, the answer had been sitting over there in that corner. Not the book on thermodepolymerization, the D&D quest book and Andy."

That book and the middle aged, single, overweight and odoriferous man holding it would spark the flame that would eventually lead to a successful model.

"We realized that though we couldn't simply run an engine on nothing, but there was one source of energy that was constantly being produced, but not utilized. Human flatulence. Andy has battled a spastic colon for years, as it turned out he emitted enough methane to drive from Chicago to Ontario on a daily basis."

Surely this momentous discovery would solve the worlds problems. After some modifications to the eighth prototype they began testing with Andy. The results were less than promising.

"We soon found our worst fears to be true. Though the anal ruminations of Andy were enough to propel a four cylinder engine for miles, any normal human being subsisting on a diet of anything other than cabbage and Diet Tab would never produce enough fuel to even drive to the local comic book store."

That's where the other part of the equation, the D&D book, would play it's part.

"It is widely known that there is no more powerful and majestic animal on Earth than the Unicorn. It was widely thought within certain circles that a single ounce of Unicorn blood could cure all the worlds diseases and power the entire planet for almost three centuries. Of course, should one shed the blood of a Unicorn he would never reach the gates of Valhalla, nor level 48."

This was a risk that none in the Nausbaum team seemed willing to take. They attempted to enlist the help of Brandina, a local goth who seemed more than willing to spend an eternity in Purgatory. They soon found that she was simply a "poseur".

"We consulted the books, poured over them really. It just so happened that we were on a specific quest..."

Nausbaums explanation of the quest has been omitted by his request, due to the possibility that it would give away his trade secret, as well as vanquish any possibility of getting a steady girlfriend.

"Amazing really. A single Unicorn hair! Genius really. I set out at once to find a source for this. Knowing that a Unicorn can only be tamed by someone pure of spirit and of heart we decided that my brother Ricky should be the one to seek the Unicorn's hair."

Unfortunately for the team, Ricky made it only as far as the 7/11 on South Main before he was savagely beaten by a group of "unbelievers". It was thought that his long robe and traditional Wizard hat may have initiated the scuffle. Ricky's severe Tourettes syndrome may have also contributed.

"Luckily Andy knew a man that he'd met at the Pegasus Loft who had connections to a man in Burma who could attain such a thing for a price. This would have been helpful information to have before we sent my brother to his unfortunate thrashing, but we acted on it in any case. My federal grant almost covered the cost, the rest was donated by Daniels aunt Jolene."

With the final piece of the puzzle it was only a matter of time until the picture came together.

"The hair came to us quickly, really quickly actually. We were initially very upset because it had not been vacuum packed as we requested. The upside was that we could finally complete the work. We had a local expert in mythical biology confirm that the hairs were indeed authentic, then worked on a delivery system. That's when things turned ugly."

Nausbaums mother, who his team now believes was a plant for the Oil Industry, had apparently had enough of his "Nonsensical grab-assing tomfoolery." She made this statement very clear.

"She'd trashed everything. The flatulence containment system, the combustion chamber, even the sacred hairs! I knew that she was jealous of my invention and the fame and hot ladies it would attract."

But the fame and hot ladies would not come. His flatulence containment system, which looked uncannily like two Mountain Dew bottles held together with duct tape, had been damaged beyond repair. The hairs, which the team had paid nearly a quarter of a million dollars for, had been flushed unceremoniously down the toilet.

"We were crestfallen. Andy severely burned himself trying combust the flatulence directly from the source, as the containment system was destroyed. It was the endgame."

Though they never successfully tested their Flatulence/Unicorn hair powered engine, which would have reportedly gotten an amazing 12,300 miles per gallon, all hope had not been dashed.

"We immediately began work on another engine at an undisclosed location, one out of the grip of the Oil Industry...and my mother."

We wait with bated breath on the on the next development from the Nausbaum team. Godspeed team Nausbaum. Godspeed.

Compelling stuff. Tragically the Nausbaum teams secret location, which turned out to be at Nausbaums aunts garage, burned to the ground shortly thereafter. So close to a solution. The world weeps for the Unicorn/Flatulence powered engine.

Uber-Geek Battle Royale

I finally purchased a PS3 last weekend. I won't tell you the pains that it took to get it (it involved eGift certificates and a certain retailers inability to show that the 8 consoles they had in store were actually 'in-stock' on the web). Point is, I got one. 60GB worth of storage, WiFi ready, Bluetooth Controllers, and a BluRay drive capable of producing a 1080p resolution picture. Nice.

It wasn't until I started looking into a new gaming console that I realized the great chasm that had developed between the Microsoft Xbox crowd and the Sony Playstation group. We have a bit of that divide in our office. It all boils down to a sort of "my dad can beat up your dad" mentality. Is one better than the other? Sure, probably. You just can't ask anyone who owns only one. I am not impartial. I just plunked down half a thousand dollars on a PS3, so you think I'm going to tout the greatness of an Xbox 360? Not likely. Personally I don't care for the Xbox. Not because Microsoft makes it, not because its technically inferior, but because I don't like the controller. Plain and simple. Does it do some things better than a PS3, it might, but I won't likely find out.

I've owned so many gaming consoles in my life that it'd be hard to count them. From the Nintendo, to the Super Nintendo, to the Sega Genesis, on to the PS, PS2, and now the PS3. I still have my original Playstation somewhere. It still works. I've had two PS2's, apparently they don't like dog hair in the air filter. I've had great success with the Playstations, they've lasted quite a while, and seem to be pretty up on things. Granted, PS3 hit the starting gate a little late in the game, but I think that may have worked out for the best. They had an opportunity to see what everyone else was offering, then one up them. You want WiFi on an Xbox, got to buy a module. Same thing goes for High Def movie playback.

I guess the bottom line is this: To each his own. You like Xbox, fine. You like PS3, fine. You like the Nintendo Wii, you might be a little gay. You just have to stick with what works for you.

But you'll wish you bought a PS3...chumps.

I Am All Talk.

The title says it all...I've laid down my arms and surrendered about 150 bucks to the Runaway Bay Municipal court in hopes that I can take "Defensive Driving". So we'll see if the judge approves my request. Of course, then I have to pay who knows how much for defensive driving, and spend a day of my life re-learning how to drive...defensively. On the up side one of the local mexican food restaurants gives you a free meal with the defensive driving course, so there's that. Not sure if they also serve beer with it. Can you drive defensively after four or five Bud Lights? I tend to get a little defensive after a few, so logic tells me that should transfer right over to the driving. Guess that'll be one of the things they teach us. I wouldn't mind learning how to do a J turn either. That'd be a sweet defensive move there. We'll just have to see how the course goes. This may be a good thing, could help alleviate my mild to moderate road rage in the process. Or it could intensify it. I've always heard that the best defense is a good offense, or is it the other way around? Again, I'll have to check with the instructor, that seems like it'd be important information. So anyway, just thought I'd bare my shame and admit defeat. Ultimately the prospect of having higher insurance rates just wore me down. But rest assured, should another injustice of this magnitude occur, I'll complain as loud and as many times as possible. Believe that.
----------------
Now playing: Breaking Benjamin - Breath
http://foxytunes.com/artist/breaking+benjamin/track/breath

...And Justice for All?

My spotless driving record is now a thing of the past. Almost a decade of citation-free automobile use dashed in a single moment. The offense? Speeding? No. Rolling through a stop sign? No. DWI? No. The offense..."Failure to reduce speed when passing an emergency vehicle." That's right. Now under normal circumstances I'd take my licks and move on, however, several circumstances have forced me to stand and fight, figuratively of course. First, there's the offense. True it is illegal to pass an emergency vehicle without reducing your speed 20 mph or taking an available lane in Texas. However, circumstances in this situation are different. As I topped the hill, there was the police car, on a two lane road, pulled over onto the shoulder. With traffic behind me I was left with no choice but to take the other lane, as slowing my speed 20 miles an hour would have resulted in an accident. Second, the officer that pulled me over had pulled out of a convenience store a half mile before she got to the scene, thus setting the "trap". She wasn't assisting, she was waiting for some poor moron (i.e. me) to pass on that hill. I argued my case with her, calmly, to which she replied "If you knew any officers who had been killed on the highway..." I probably didn't handle the rest well, as I told her "don't give me that bullsh#t, I know plenty of cops." Could have handled it better. Third, it was in Runaway Bay Texas, population 1108. One major highway passes through this town, and it's well known throughout the region that this whole stretch of highway is a trap. I travel it no less than a half dozen times a month, and the minute I pass the city limits sign I'm rolling in stealth mode. So. I got a ticket. Turns out the ticket is good for $200.00, not to mention the increase in insurance premiums until the end of time. So I call the municpal "judge" and ask what I should do. She assumes that my ticket is for speeding (which indicates to me that she's dealt with several of these). I tell her no, that it's for failure to reduce blah blah blah, to which she replies "Oh, well that's a hefty little fine...260 dollars." Nevermind the fact that the state law says it's a maximum of 200 dollars. So I ask what I can do. Turns out that if she "approves" it I can take defensive driving. That'll cost me 103 bucks to the court, ten bucks to get my driving record, and then another fifty to take the course. IF she approves it. If she doesn't, I'm requesting a jury trial, during the course of which I will personally mentally beat down everyone in the room for hours. I'll have graphs, charts, Powerpoint presentations, witnesses that have nothing to say, the works. I will get my 260 dollars worth out of it. Chances are that won't happen. I'll probably take the defensive driving, eat 160 bucks, and call it a day. But I won't forget. Oh no. One of these days the Runaway Bay PD will need something from me. Could be money. Could be a lift. Could be a life (as this woman desparately needed one). But no, they'll get none of that from me. It will be a silent vengence to be sure. So this'll be the last you hear of my recent brush with injustice, unless I wind up in contempt of court and in a cell with Cletus. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Template II

OK...after a little tweaking I've got things back up in order. Turns out my old template made things a little difficult to read, so the screw up actually worked out. This is a little easier on the eyes. I cleaned up the ads, because Google can keep the .03 cents that I've earned from them. I'll be doing a little more work, but for the most part, this is what you'll see from now on. Salame'.

Template

Well thanks to my jacking around I've screwed up my template and lost all my links. Not to mention the donation widget I just posted about. Too late to mess with it now. I'll get it straightened out soon enough. Like you care.

This Fred's for You

Well, with the '08 presidential campaign already in semi-full swing we've all had a chance to see what sort of candidates we're going to have to choose from. As I don't believe the Democrats have any actual candidates, I'm not going to mention them. It's my blog, and I'll do what a damn well please. So far as the Republicans go, it's a pretty shoddy lot of characters. John McCain? We all know this cat is a filthy democrat-lover (wow, that sounded really derogatory). What with all the "immigration reform" this and "it's not amnesty" jibba jabba, I'm not having it. Rudy's got something, but how conservative can a New York City mayor really be? Mitt Romney? He's got quite a bit going for him, except for the whole Mormon thing. I can't really think of any other famous Mormon's to step up for him except former Dallas Mavericks center Shawn Bradley, and if I were Mitt I'd pass on Shawns support. Ron Paul is as crazy as a crap-house rat. Huckabee has no chance. I don't even know the others, so they're screwed. Lets face it, we need a stone cold conservative up in here. A guy that'll take care of business. That man is Fred Thompson. You want immigration reform without the sissy "Z-visa" amnesty? He's got it. You want comprehensive tax reform? He's got it. You want terrorists to be blowed up real nice like? He's all over it. In all seriousness, the guy is about the only true conservative out there. He's not drafting bills with Ted Kennedy. He doesn't NEED to be president (unlike most of the other candidates). He's not Hillary Clinton, in fact, he's fifty times the man Hillary is, and that's saying something. So, from now on there's going to be a donation widget on my sidebar so that you can give Fred some scratch. He's going to join this race, and when he does, he'll need the cash to get in front of people. So, use some of that extra money that you've got laying around (hey, gas prices have been dropping) and pass it on to Fred.

Absolute Gold.

Enjoy this...let it's addictive beats and Poet Laureate caliber lyrics take over your mind.