Fun with Telemarketers...Volume 1...Updated with Audio

I work in technical support. When I'm not on the road, I'm in the office answering phones. Anyone who answers the phone a great deal can understand how frustrating it can be when you pick up the line and find a telemarketer at the other end of the line. Some in my department hang up, others press zero and proceed to lambaste the person at the other end of the line with "THIS IS AN OFFICE" type remark. I find both to be less than effective. My method involves keeping them on the line as long as possible, leading them on and causing mass confusion. I've started recording these sessions, and I'll post them as soon as I can edit them (I do keep them on hold a great deal) and clean them up. Until then, here's a bit of a transcript from the last call.

Telemarketer: Someone Selling Extended Car Warranties
February 2008

TM Corey: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson (I gave them the name James Simpson).

Me: Uh, yeah, who's this? Colby?

TM Corey: Uh, no sir, it's Corey.

Me: Oh, OK. What can you tell me about this insurance Colby?

TM Corey: Corey. It's not insurance, actually it's extended warranty. What is the make and model of your current vehicle?

Me: I have a 1981 Buick Century.

TM Corey: Um, OK, a 1981 Buick Century?

Me: Yeah.

TM Corey: OK, and how many miles are on the Century Mr. Simpson?

Me: Oh, I'm not sure, let me check....

(Here I placed him on hold for approximately 10 minutes)

Me: Corby?

TM Corey: Yes?

Me: OK, there's 172, 348 miles on it.

TM Corey: OK...

Me: But now, I can't be sure whether that number is right. My son used to drive it when he shouldn't, so he'd drive it out and then drive it home in reverse so that the miles would roll back.

TM Corey: That works?

Me: I'm sure it does...why would he lie about lying to me?

TM Corey: Um, OK, so you're not sure about the miles?

Me: Not really, no.

TM Corey: OK, and are there any mechanical problems with the car?

Me: Well, no. I mean, someone stole the catalytic converter off it.

TM Corey: (sounding confused) They stole your catalytic converter?

Me: Hell yes. The guy was fast too. I tried to catch him.

TM Corey: You actually saw the guy do it?

Me: Yeah, but he was fast as hell.

TM Corey: OK, so the catalytic converter is missing. Are there any other issues with the vehicle?

Me: Well my son took it fishing, and he left some bait in the back of the car, so it stinks like hell. I don't guess that's a knock against it though. It's pretty cherry.

TM Corey: OK, yeah. It's cherry? OK. That is quite a few miles, let me transfer you to my shift manager Matt, uh, there's a lot of miles on this.

Me: OK Corby, thanks.

(Here they transfer me to another guy)

TM Matt: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson.

Me: Huh?

TM Matt: Good afternoon. I understand that you have a 1981 Buick Century with 172,000 miles?

Me: Yeah.

TM Matt: OK, well our system is designed to kick out anything that old automatically, however I see here that the car is in good condition.

Me: Yeah, except for the missing catalytic converter.

TM Matt: A missing...OK. Well I'm going to go ahead an approve this and transfer you back to Corey. Just let him know that I approved this OK?

(Transferred back to Corey)

TM Corey: Hello, Mr. Simpson?

Me: Corby?

TM Corey: Corey, yes. I see that they approved your warranty status. Could you get me the Vehicle Identification Number from your car?

Me: Oh, yeah sure, hang on.

(Another ten minute hold)

Me: OK, that number is K92GB1

TM Corey: That's the number from your VIN plate?

Me: Yep, that's the number from my ID plate.

TM Corey: Well, um, are you sure that's not your license plate number?

Me: Yeah, right, the vehicle ID plate.

(Here I argue with him about the vehicle ID Plate for several minutes)

Me: OK, well this is getting frustrating. You aught to be happy that I'm still on the phone after the derogatory name that the other guy called me.

TM Corey: Matt called you a derogatory name?

Me: Yes he did.

TM Corey: OK, and what did he call you?

Me: I think he called me a Jap.

TM Corey: He called you a...um...are you sure you weren't mistaken?

Me: Are you calling me a liar?

TM Corey: Um, no...no sir. I think you may be mistaken though, I don't think he called you a Jap.

Me: Well OK.

TM Corey: OK well we need the VIN number from the vehicle.

Me: Well Colby, lets get down to the proverbial nut cutting. How much does this insurance cost me?

TM Corey: It's not insurance sir, its warranty, and we can get you started for just three ninety-nine.

Me: OK, three dollars and ninety-nine cents. Sounds reasonable. Does that cover tires?

TM Corey: Uh, no, three HUNDRED and ninety-nine dollars. The warranty covers your drive train and non replaceable parts.

Me: Huh. Well you know it doesn't have a stock engine in it.

TM Corey: It has a new engine?

Me: Well not new, my son dropped an engine out of a 1992 Chevy pickup in it.

TM Corey: He put a pickup engine in it? That's not even possible.

Me: Damn sure is, I'm looking out the window at it. It's fast as hell too. Can't keep tires on it.

TM Corey: Um, oh, well so would you like to put the 399.00 on a credit card or check?

Me: I'd like to put in on a credit card, but my old lady charged them all up before she passed.

TM Corey: Oh, uh, I'm sorry to hear that. So you'll pay by check?

Me: Well, I'm not sure I can afford that.

TM Corey: OK, well let me transfer you to our finance department, he should be able to help you with that.

(transferred to some other guy, not sure of his name)

TM Finance: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson, I understand that 399 is a little too much for your budget.

Me: Yeah, I'm not sure the social security check could cover that.

TM Finance: Well could you cover the cost of repairs?

Me: Well yeah, it's got a good engine in it, from a 1992 Chevy Pickup.

TM Finance: It has a Chevy Pickup engine in it?

Me: Yeah.

TM Finance: Um, OK well I can work with you on this, we can start out at 199 and then pick up with payments...

Me: I'm not sure you're following here. If the insurance was five dollars and a sack full of kitty cats I still couldn't pay you the five dollars.

TM Finance: (unsettled, and catching on) Well, unfortunately we don't take sacks full of kitty cats. We used to, but there was an issue with their claws damaging the scanners...

Me: That is, quite possibly, the wildest-assed thing I've ever heard.

TM Finance: (laughing) Yeah, well, sir I'd like to take kitty cats, I'm old school, but it's got to be a check.

Me: Well the other guy called me a Jap.

TM Finance: (Taken aback) He called you a Jap?

Me: Yeah.

TM Finance: No he didn't.

Me: Damn sure did, and now you're calling me a liar, which is as bad as calling me a Jap.

TM Finance: I'm not calling you a liar, but I don't think he called you a Jap. Your name is Simpson sir, how could he...I mean, he wouldn't even associate that name with Jap.

Me: NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME A JAP?!

TM Finance: No, uh, no sir.

Me: Ok.

TM Finance: Sir, I need the VIN number on the vehicle so we can move forward. It should be on your insurance card.

Me: Well it doesn't have any insurance, that's why I'm talking to you.

TM Finance: It doesn't have insurance? Well if you get pulled over you'll get a ticket.

Me: That's if they can catch me. That car is fast as hell.

TM Finance: Oh, right, I forgot how fast you said it was.




There are several more minutes of this. All totaled the call went on for near 40 minutes. I just don't feel up to typing it all out now. Hopefully I'll have the audio here within the week for all to enjoy. Until then...