I travel...a lot. East coast, west coast, the Great Lakes states, the gulf states, everywhere. The one constant that I've encountered is that the toiletries hotel's stock these days are made for 14 year old girls. All of them. Doesn't matter what hotel, doesn't matter where, they're all ridiculously perfumed. Let's run down what lavish scents I have at my disposal tonight:
Coconut Lime Verbena
Lemongrass Sage
Warm Vanilla Sugar
If I were to bathe with any of these items I'd come out smelling like a woman in a cat-house. Sadly, I have little choice here. I could refrain from bathing, which at this point is a viable option. Think about it, if you're talking to a 25 year old man and he smells like BO and musk you'd probably think "that guy needs a shower." I can live with that, it almost implies that you've been working. If you talk to the same man, and he smells like Coconut Lime Verbena, you're going to think "that guy probably knows Andy Dick." And just what in the hell is Verbena? Who decided that it smelled nice enough to mix it with Coconuts and Limes? And why Coconuts and Limes? Why not tiger-lilies and unicorn farts? Give that fragrance a whirl.
All I'm saying is that I'd like a choice here. I've got to think that there's at least a 50/50 split between men and women staying at hotels. Give us some options. Instead of Lemongrass Sage, how about some Razorwire Cayenne? That just sounds killer. "What's that smell? Kind of like a mexican food restaurant in the middle of a junk yard." You'd wear it. I know why we don't have that scent...because men don't complain about it. We get to the hotel, turn on the TV, set the AC down to -25 degrees, and do nothing. We wake up 10 minutes before we have to leave and shower in a complete fog. By the time we realize that we smell like a French prostitute we're in the middle of a meeting wondering why the guy in the loafers won't quit giving you the eye. Damn Verbena.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Just Doing My Part
While watching Sunday Night Football, and seeing the groundbreaking coverage of climate change that NBC is kicking off, I remembered an article that I'd read years ago in the June 1978 issue of Unpopular Mechanics. Naturally, due to its earth-shatteringly startling discovery, it's been buried by the Karl Rovian mindcrime unit. So, as my little contribution to the solution to global climate change, I give you that article.
SPCC Professor Creates Zero Emission Engine
Professor Steven Nausbaum appears to be just another contemplative educator at South Plains Community College. He appears to be a very unassuming man, and were it not for the magnificent machine sitting proudly in his mothers garage, a very unassuming man he'd remain.
What sort of "machine" is it exactly? To put it simply, it is the solution to the worlds increasing energy crisis and impending ice age. He's single-handedly created a zero-emission engine that uses absolutely no fossil fuel.
"It's simple really, I can't believe I didn't think of it before."
His modesty belies the intricate parts that he himself created. The hours of toil and sweat. The barrage of cruel names and accusations leveled at him by his mother. Throughout all of this he knew his mission, and would let nothing impede him.
"The first three prototypes were total failures. The problem was with the fuel. My goal was to make a self-perpetuating engine, one that never needed a fill up. I began to realize that this was a fools game that flew in the face of several laws of nature and relativity." Says Nausbaum.
Though several of his R&D assistants, also members of his local D&D cadre, suggested that he alter these laws, it became clear after the eleventh engine that this option was not viable unless they also concurrently developed a Back To The Future type time travel device.
"We realized that we just didn't have the time. Daniel argued for days on the theory that in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure they gave themselves time because they controlled time. A valid point, sure, but no one was convinced that they could remember to leave Bill's dads keys in the jail should they be arrested."
With such mind-bending and radical theories being considered, it is no surprise their labors would prove fruitful beyond belief.
"There it was, the whole time, the answer had been sitting over there in that corner. Not the book on thermodepolymerization, the D&D quest book and Andy."
That book and the middle aged, single, overweight and odoriferous man holding it would spark the flame that would eventually lead to a successful model.
"We realized that though we couldn't simply run an engine on nothing, but there was one source of energy that was constantly being produced, but not utilized. Human flatulence. Andy has battled a spastic colon for years, as it turned out he emitted enough methane to drive from Chicago to Ontario on a daily basis."
Surely this momentous discovery would solve the worlds problems. After some modifications to the eighth prototype they began testing with Andy. The results were less than promising.
"We soon found our worst fears to be true. Though the anal ruminations of Andy were enough to propel a four cylinder engine for miles, any normal human being subsisting on a diet of anything other than cabbage and Diet Tab would never produce enough fuel to even drive to the local comic book store."
That's where the other part of the equation, the D&D book, would play it's part.
"It is widely known that there is no more powerful and majestic animal on Earth than the Unicorn. It was widely thought within certain circles that a single ounce of Unicorn blood could cure all the worlds diseases and power the entire planet for almost three centuries. Of course, should one shed the blood of a Unicorn he would never reach the gates of Valhalla, nor level 48."
This was a risk that none in the Nausbaum team seemed willing to take. They attempted to enlist the help of Brandina, a local goth who seemed more than willing to spend an eternity in Purgatory. They soon found that she was simply a "poseur".
"We consulted the books, poured over them really. It just so happened that we were on a specific quest..."
Nausbaums explanation of the quest has been omitted by his request, due to the possibility that it would give away his trade secret, as well as vanquish any possibility of getting a steady girlfriend.
"Amazing really. A single Unicorn hair! Genius really. I set out at once to find a source for this. Knowing that a Unicorn can only be tamed by someone pure of spirit and of heart we decided that my brother Ricky should be the one to seek the Unicorn's hair."
Unfortunately for the team, Ricky made it only as far as the 7/11 on South Main before he was savagely beaten by a group of "unbelievers". It was thought that his long robe and traditional Wizard hat may have initiated the scuffle. Ricky's severe Tourettes syndrome may have also contributed.
"Luckily Andy knew a man that he'd met at the Pegasus Loft who had connections to a man in Burma who could attain such a thing for a price. This would have been helpful information to have before we sent my brother to his unfortunate thrashing, but we acted on it in any case. My federal grant almost covered the cost, the rest was donated by Daniels aunt Jolene."
With the final piece of the puzzle it was only a matter of time until the picture came together.
"The hair came to us quickly, really quickly actually. We were initially very upset because it had not been vacuum packed as we requested. The upside was that we could finally complete the work. We had a local expert in mythical biology confirm that the hairs were indeed authentic, then worked on a delivery system. That's when things turned ugly."
Nausbaums mother, who his team now believes was a plant for the Oil Industry, had apparently had enough of his "Nonsensical grab-assing tomfoolery." She made this statement very clear.
"She'd trashed everything. The flatulence containment system, the combustion chamber, even the sacred hairs! I knew that she was jealous of my invention and the fame and hot ladies it would attract."
But the fame and hot ladies would not come. His flatulence containment system, which looked uncannily like two Mountain Dew bottles held together with duct tape, had been damaged beyond repair. The hairs, which the team had paid nearly a quarter of a million dollars for, had been flushed unceremoniously down the toilet.
"We were crestfallen. Andy severely burned himself trying combust the flatulence directly from the source, as the containment system was destroyed. It was the endgame."
Though they never successfully tested their Flatulence/Unicorn hair powered engine, which would have reportedly gotten an amazing 12,300 miles per gallon, all hope had not been dashed.
"We immediately began work on another engine at an undisclosed location, one out of the grip of the Oil Industry...and my mother."
We wait with bated breath on the on the next development from the Nausbaum team. Godspeed team Nausbaum. Godspeed.
Compelling stuff. Tragically the Nausbaum teams secret location, which turned out to be at Nausbaums aunts garage, burned to the ground shortly thereafter. So close to a solution. The world weeps for the Unicorn/Flatulence powered engine.
SPCC Professor Creates Zero Emission Engine
Professor Steven Nausbaum appears to be just another contemplative educator at South Plains Community College. He appears to be a very unassuming man, and were it not for the magnificent machine sitting proudly in his mothers garage, a very unassuming man he'd remain.
What sort of "machine" is it exactly? To put it simply, it is the solution to the worlds increasing energy crisis and impending ice age. He's single-handedly created a zero-emission engine that uses absolutely no fossil fuel.
"It's simple really, I can't believe I didn't think of it before."
His modesty belies the intricate parts that he himself created. The hours of toil and sweat. The barrage of cruel names and accusations leveled at him by his mother. Throughout all of this he knew his mission, and would let nothing impede him.
"The first three prototypes were total failures. The problem was with the fuel. My goal was to make a self-perpetuating engine, one that never needed a fill up. I began to realize that this was a fools game that flew in the face of several laws of nature and relativity." Says Nausbaum.
Though several of his R&D assistants, also members of his local D&D cadre, suggested that he alter these laws, it became clear after the eleventh engine that this option was not viable unless they also concurrently developed a Back To The Future type time travel device.
"We realized that we just didn't have the time. Daniel argued for days on the theory that in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure they gave themselves time because they controlled time. A valid point, sure, but no one was convinced that they could remember to leave Bill's dads keys in the jail should they be arrested."
With such mind-bending and radical theories being considered, it is no surprise their labors would prove fruitful beyond belief.
"There it was, the whole time, the answer had been sitting over there in that corner. Not the book on thermodepolymerization, the D&D quest book and Andy."
That book and the middle aged, single, overweight and odoriferous man holding it would spark the flame that would eventually lead to a successful model.
"We realized that though we couldn't simply run an engine on nothing, but there was one source of energy that was constantly being produced, but not utilized. Human flatulence. Andy has battled a spastic colon for years, as it turned out he emitted enough methane to drive from Chicago to Ontario on a daily basis."
Surely this momentous discovery would solve the worlds problems. After some modifications to the eighth prototype they began testing with Andy. The results were less than promising.
"We soon found our worst fears to be true. Though the anal ruminations of Andy were enough to propel a four cylinder engine for miles, any normal human being subsisting on a diet of anything other than cabbage and Diet Tab would never produce enough fuel to even drive to the local comic book store."
That's where the other part of the equation, the D&D book, would play it's part.
"It is widely known that there is no more powerful and majestic animal on Earth than the Unicorn. It was widely thought within certain circles that a single ounce of Unicorn blood could cure all the worlds diseases and power the entire planet for almost three centuries. Of course, should one shed the blood of a Unicorn he would never reach the gates of Valhalla, nor level 48."
This was a risk that none in the Nausbaum team seemed willing to take. They attempted to enlist the help of Brandina, a local goth who seemed more than willing to spend an eternity in Purgatory. They soon found that she was simply a "poseur".
"We consulted the books, poured over them really. It just so happened that we were on a specific quest..."
Nausbaums explanation of the quest has been omitted by his request, due to the possibility that it would give away his trade secret, as well as vanquish any possibility of getting a steady girlfriend.
"Amazing really. A single Unicorn hair! Genius really. I set out at once to find a source for this. Knowing that a Unicorn can only be tamed by someone pure of spirit and of heart we decided that my brother Ricky should be the one to seek the Unicorn's hair."
Unfortunately for the team, Ricky made it only as far as the 7/11 on South Main before he was savagely beaten by a group of "unbelievers". It was thought that his long robe and traditional Wizard hat may have initiated the scuffle. Ricky's severe Tourettes syndrome may have also contributed.
"Luckily Andy knew a man that he'd met at the Pegasus Loft who had connections to a man in Burma who could attain such a thing for a price. This would have been helpful information to have before we sent my brother to his unfortunate thrashing, but we acted on it in any case. My federal grant almost covered the cost, the rest was donated by Daniels aunt Jolene."
With the final piece of the puzzle it was only a matter of time until the picture came together.
"The hair came to us quickly, really quickly actually. We were initially very upset because it had not been vacuum packed as we requested. The upside was that we could finally complete the work. We had a local expert in mythical biology confirm that the hairs were indeed authentic, then worked on a delivery system. That's when things turned ugly."
Nausbaums mother, who his team now believes was a plant for the Oil Industry, had apparently had enough of his "Nonsensical grab-assing tomfoolery." She made this statement very clear.
"She'd trashed everything. The flatulence containment system, the combustion chamber, even the sacred hairs! I knew that she was jealous of my invention and the fame and hot ladies it would attract."
But the fame and hot ladies would not come. His flatulence containment system, which looked uncannily like two Mountain Dew bottles held together with duct tape, had been damaged beyond repair. The hairs, which the team had paid nearly a quarter of a million dollars for, had been flushed unceremoniously down the toilet.
"We were crestfallen. Andy severely burned himself trying combust the flatulence directly from the source, as the containment system was destroyed. It was the endgame."
Though they never successfully tested their Flatulence/Unicorn hair powered engine, which would have reportedly gotten an amazing 12,300 miles per gallon, all hope had not been dashed.
"We immediately began work on another engine at an undisclosed location, one out of the grip of the Oil Industry...and my mother."
We wait with bated breath on the on the next development from the Nausbaum team. Godspeed team Nausbaum. Godspeed.
Compelling stuff. Tragically the Nausbaum teams secret location, which turned out to be at Nausbaums aunts garage, burned to the ground shortly thereafter. So close to a solution. The world weeps for the Unicorn/Flatulence powered engine.
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