The Earth is a Cube and Hot Snow Falls Up...

I have a consensus on that. Me, the homeless guy I met in Ohio, and Gaia all agree. That's enough right? Apparently it doesn't take much more than that for the media and the acolytes of Al Gore to decide that 'the debate on global warming is done'.

Not. So. Fast.

Turns out there were more than 400 leading scientists that disagree with the global warming theory (and it is that...a theory). Amazing, I'd never heard that before. CNN said the debate was over:

"We're done." O’Brien also declared on CNN on February 9, 2006 that scientific skeptics of man-made catastrophic global warming “are bought and paid for by the fossil fuel industry, usually.”

Ah, those sneaky fossil fuel lobbyists. ABC News couldn't even find the fossil fuel backed, Earth hating scientists:

“After extensive searches, ABC News has found no such [scientific] debate."

Found "no such debate". An 'extensive' Google search that I just did, in about 30 seconds, did find several such debates. Guess they didn't want to fire up the old PC...wouldn't want to stress the power grid and force 'fossil fuel industry' workers to have to feed more baby seals into the carbon belching power plants. How noble.

The fact of the matter is that there are debates, lots of them really, about the credence of the global warming claims. Contrary to what the dope on CNN mentioned, criticism and scrutiny of said theory are being volleyed by credible scientists. As it turns out, there are those in the scientific community that aren't willing to watch 'An Inconvenient Truth' and buy in whole-heartedly.

It was only thirty-three years ago that the scientific community had reached another, quite different, "consensus". Seen here:

As they review the bizarre and unpredictable weather pattern of the past several years, a growing number of scientists are beginning to suspect that many seemingly contradictory meteorological fluctuations are actually part of a global climatic upheaval. However widely the weather varies from place to place and time to time, when meteorologists take an average of temperatures around the globe they find that the atmosphere has been growing gradually cooler for the past three decades. The trend shows no indication of reversing. Climatological Cassandras are becoming increasingly apprehensive, for the weather aberrations they are studying may be the harbinger of another ice age.

Really. An impending ice age. To top it all off, the "trend shows no indication of reversing." Evidently it has...so much so that now we're not going to freeze to death, we're going to drown in glacial waters from melting ice caps.

The bottom line, in my totally uneducated (and thus as qualified as Al Gore) opinion, is this: The climate changes. It's always changed. It always will change. Core samples taken from glaciers show that for the past million years the Earth has warmed and cooled for absolutely no good reason. It does because it can. The audacity expressed by scientists, politicians, and blinded eco-nuts that mankind can, would, and should control the climate is laughable, if not completely crazy. Who's to say that the climate we have now is the perfect climate? If you're living in sunny Palm Springs you may think so...but what if you live in Ethiopia? Think they'd like a little more rain? It's not up to us.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be good stewards of the planet. We should. It's a gift from The Almighty and we should treat it as such. But we were also gifted with common sense...well...most of us anyway, and it tells us that just because I drove my truck to the airport it doesn't mean that I just evicted a polar bear from his home. We already have taxes in place to combat wanton vehicle pollution, if you've ever had your car inspected you know that. Sure we can research other fuels, but how many years are we from a viable fuel replacement? When that fuel comes out, and it'll let me get 50mpg and 300 horsepower then I'm in.

Mark my words: In a year, or two, or twenty scientists and the general public will look back at this 'theory' and see it for what it is, an excuse for people to be burdened by more taxes as well as an excuse for a washed up ex-vice president to gain the spotlight for a brief moment in time.

1 in 194481

At least I think that might be right. Could be 1 in 84, but the other sounds better. What am I talking about? Well I'll tell you. I'm in Dallas tonight...the little brother and I went out and grabbed some seafood (shrimp brochette rocks) and headed back here to the hotel. We got back to the room, checked the fantasy football scores, and watched some TV. I became parched, and after watching that video on the internet of the hotel cleaning woman wiping down the toilet, then wiping down the glasses in the room, I needed a canned drink. So off we went to the vending machine. I pumped A DOLLAR FIFTY into the machine and got nothing. Machine down. So we bounced to the fourth floor, same story. On to the seventh floor and was robbed again. Down to the sixth floor. SAME FREAKIN STORY. Now you may be asking yourself, why didn't you just stop at the first machine and go downstairs? Because time is money, that's why. It'd taken fifteen minutes to go down there, talk to the desk, get my money back, then get a coke. My time is worth more. However, my time is not worth more than six bucks, so I went down to the desk. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: Uh, yeah, I've been to four different coke machines here and have been robbed by each and every one.

Clerk: Which ones? (Looks at a list behind the counter)

Me: Well there was three, four, seven and six.

Clerk: Yep, you got them all. How much did you lose?

Me: I got them all? What are the freakin odds of that? Am I an idiot, did I miss the out of order signs? Six bucks.

Clerk: No, probably not. Ok, here's your money back. We're renovating. There's a good machine over there.

Me: Ok? Thanks.


My brother and I then searched for the "good machine", which was hidden down a labyrinth of halls in a car rental center. I paid a smooth Washington for a can of coke. It was at that point that we looked at the vending machine next to mine. It was the most confusing, and depressing, vending machine I've ever seen. Beneath the Cheese Danish they had...tampons. That's right. Two things that should absolutely, positively, never ever be in the same vending machine together were right there. I'm not sure what kind of twisted individual would stock a vending machine in such a manner, but that person is likely in prison (or soon will be). Shocked, we took a picture of it with our cell phones and left.

It wasn't until after we went back upstairs that I realized that the clerk actually had a list of broken machines. They knew four machines were down. I happened to find them all which is, in and of itself, rather amazing. I could play the lotto for a decade and never get four numbers. As swift and appropriate retribution my brother and I "tied up" their elevators. Next stop? Floors 1 through 21. I did feel slightly guilty when two older ladies stepped into one of the elevators we'd sabotaged, but hey, they looked like they might enjoy a thirty minute elevator ride. Probably have lots to talk about.

Razorwire Cayenne

I travel...a lot. East coast, west coast, the Great Lakes states, the gulf states, everywhere. The one constant that I've encountered is that the toiletries hotel's stock these days are made for 14 year old girls. All of them. Doesn't matter what hotel, doesn't matter where, they're all ridiculously perfumed. Let's run down what lavish scents I have at my disposal tonight:

Coconut Lime Verbena
Lemongrass Sage
Warm Vanilla Sugar

If I were to bathe with any of these items I'd come out smelling like a woman in a cat-house. Sadly, I have little choice here. I could refrain from bathing, which at this point is a viable option. Think about it, if you're talking to a 25 year old man and he smells like BO and musk you'd probably think "that guy needs a shower." I can live with that, it almost implies that you've been working. If you talk to the same man, and he smells like Coconut Lime Verbena, you're going to think "that guy probably knows Andy Dick." And just what in the hell is Verbena? Who decided that it smelled nice enough to mix it with Coconuts and Limes? And why Coconuts and Limes? Why not tiger-lilies and unicorn farts? Give that fragrance a whirl.

All I'm saying is that I'd like a choice here. I've got to think that there's at least a 50/50 split between men and women staying at hotels. Give us some options. Instead of Lemongrass Sage, how about some Razorwire Cayenne? That just sounds killer. "What's that smell? Kind of like a mexican food restaurant in the middle of a junk yard." You'd wear it. I know why we don't have that scent...because men don't complain about it. We get to the hotel, turn on the TV, set the AC down to -25 degrees, and do nothing. We wake up 10 minutes before we have to leave and shower in a complete fog. By the time we realize that we smell like a French prostitute we're in the middle of a meeting wondering why the guy in the loafers won't quit giving you the eye. Damn Verbena.

Just Doing My Part

While watching Sunday Night Football, and seeing the groundbreaking coverage of climate change that NBC is kicking off, I remembered an article that I'd read years ago in the June 1978 issue of Unpopular Mechanics. Naturally, due to its earth-shatteringly startling discovery, it's been buried by the Karl Rovian mindcrime unit. So, as my little contribution to the solution to global climate change, I give you that article.

SPCC Professor Creates Zero Emission Engine

Professor Steven Nausbaum appears to be just another contemplative educator at South Plains Community College. He appears to be a very unassuming man, and were it not for the magnificent machine sitting proudly in his mothers garage, a very unassuming man he'd remain.

What sort of "machine" is it exactly? To put it simply, it is the solution to the worlds increasing energy crisis and impending ice age. He's single-handedly created a zero-emission engine that uses absolutely no fossil fuel.

"It's simple really, I can't believe I didn't think of it before."

His modesty belies the intricate parts that he himself created. The hours of toil and sweat. The barrage of cruel names and accusations leveled at him by his mother. Throughout all of this he knew his mission, and would let nothing impede him.

"The first three prototypes were total failures. The problem was with the fuel. My goal was to make a self-perpetuating engine, one that never needed a fill up. I began to realize that this was a fools game that flew in the face of several laws of nature and relativity." Says Nausbaum.

Though several of his R&D assistants, also members of his local D&D cadre, suggested that he alter these laws, it became clear after the eleventh engine that this option was not viable unless they also concurrently developed a Back To The Future type time travel device.

"We realized that we just didn't have the time. Daniel argued for days on the theory that in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure they gave themselves time because they controlled time. A valid point, sure, but no one was convinced that they could remember to leave Bill's dads keys in the jail should they be arrested."

With such mind-bending and radical theories being considered, it is no surprise their labors would prove fruitful beyond belief.

"There it was, the whole time, the answer had been sitting over there in that corner. Not the book on thermodepolymerization, the D&D quest book and Andy."

That book and the middle aged, single, overweight and odoriferous man holding it would spark the flame that would eventually lead to a successful model.

"We realized that though we couldn't simply run an engine on nothing, but there was one source of energy that was constantly being produced, but not utilized. Human flatulence. Andy has battled a spastic colon for years, as it turned out he emitted enough methane to drive from Chicago to Ontario on a daily basis."

Surely this momentous discovery would solve the worlds problems. After some modifications to the eighth prototype they began testing with Andy. The results were less than promising.

"We soon found our worst fears to be true. Though the anal ruminations of Andy were enough to propel a four cylinder engine for miles, any normal human being subsisting on a diet of anything other than cabbage and Diet Tab would never produce enough fuel to even drive to the local comic book store."

That's where the other part of the equation, the D&D book, would play it's part.

"It is widely known that there is no more powerful and majestic animal on Earth than the Unicorn. It was widely thought within certain circles that a single ounce of Unicorn blood could cure all the worlds diseases and power the entire planet for almost three centuries. Of course, should one shed the blood of a Unicorn he would never reach the gates of Valhalla, nor level 48."

This was a risk that none in the Nausbaum team seemed willing to take. They attempted to enlist the help of Brandina, a local goth who seemed more than willing to spend an eternity in Purgatory. They soon found that she was simply a "poseur".

"We consulted the books, poured over them really. It just so happened that we were on a specific quest..."

Nausbaums explanation of the quest has been omitted by his request, due to the possibility that it would give away his trade secret, as well as vanquish any possibility of getting a steady girlfriend.

"Amazing really. A single Unicorn hair! Genius really. I set out at once to find a source for this. Knowing that a Unicorn can only be tamed by someone pure of spirit and of heart we decided that my brother Ricky should be the one to seek the Unicorn's hair."

Unfortunately for the team, Ricky made it only as far as the 7/11 on South Main before he was savagely beaten by a group of "unbelievers". It was thought that his long robe and traditional Wizard hat may have initiated the scuffle. Ricky's severe Tourettes syndrome may have also contributed.

"Luckily Andy knew a man that he'd met at the Pegasus Loft who had connections to a man in Burma who could attain such a thing for a price. This would have been helpful information to have before we sent my brother to his unfortunate thrashing, but we acted on it in any case. My federal grant almost covered the cost, the rest was donated by Daniels aunt Jolene."

With the final piece of the puzzle it was only a matter of time until the picture came together.

"The hair came to us quickly, really quickly actually. We were initially very upset because it had not been vacuum packed as we requested. The upside was that we could finally complete the work. We had a local expert in mythical biology confirm that the hairs were indeed authentic, then worked on a delivery system. That's when things turned ugly."

Nausbaums mother, who his team now believes was a plant for the Oil Industry, had apparently had enough of his "Nonsensical grab-assing tomfoolery." She made this statement very clear.

"She'd trashed everything. The flatulence containment system, the combustion chamber, even the sacred hairs! I knew that she was jealous of my invention and the fame and hot ladies it would attract."

But the fame and hot ladies would not come. His flatulence containment system, which looked uncannily like two Mountain Dew bottles held together with duct tape, had been damaged beyond repair. The hairs, which the team had paid nearly a quarter of a million dollars for, had been flushed unceremoniously down the toilet.

"We were crestfallen. Andy severely burned himself trying combust the flatulence directly from the source, as the containment system was destroyed. It was the endgame."

Though they never successfully tested their Flatulence/Unicorn hair powered engine, which would have reportedly gotten an amazing 12,300 miles per gallon, all hope had not been dashed.

"We immediately began work on another engine at an undisclosed location, one out of the grip of the Oil Industry...and my mother."

We wait with bated breath on the on the next development from the Nausbaum team. Godspeed team Nausbaum. Godspeed.

Compelling stuff. Tragically the Nausbaum teams secret location, which turned out to be at Nausbaums aunts garage, burned to the ground shortly thereafter. So close to a solution. The world weeps for the Unicorn/Flatulence powered engine.

Uber-Geek Battle Royale

I finally purchased a PS3 last weekend. I won't tell you the pains that it took to get it (it involved eGift certificates and a certain retailers inability to show that the 8 consoles they had in store were actually 'in-stock' on the web). Point is, I got one. 60GB worth of storage, WiFi ready, Bluetooth Controllers, and a BluRay drive capable of producing a 1080p resolution picture. Nice.

It wasn't until I started looking into a new gaming console that I realized the great chasm that had developed between the Microsoft Xbox crowd and the Sony Playstation group. We have a bit of that divide in our office. It all boils down to a sort of "my dad can beat up your dad" mentality. Is one better than the other? Sure, probably. You just can't ask anyone who owns only one. I am not impartial. I just plunked down half a thousand dollars on a PS3, so you think I'm going to tout the greatness of an Xbox 360? Not likely. Personally I don't care for the Xbox. Not because Microsoft makes it, not because its technically inferior, but because I don't like the controller. Plain and simple. Does it do some things better than a PS3, it might, but I won't likely find out.

I've owned so many gaming consoles in my life that it'd be hard to count them. From the Nintendo, to the Super Nintendo, to the Sega Genesis, on to the PS, PS2, and now the PS3. I still have my original Playstation somewhere. It still works. I've had two PS2's, apparently they don't like dog hair in the air filter. I've had great success with the Playstations, they've lasted quite a while, and seem to be pretty up on things. Granted, PS3 hit the starting gate a little late in the game, but I think that may have worked out for the best. They had an opportunity to see what everyone else was offering, then one up them. You want WiFi on an Xbox, got to buy a module. Same thing goes for High Def movie playback.

I guess the bottom line is this: To each his own. You like Xbox, fine. You like PS3, fine. You like the Nintendo Wii, you might be a little gay. You just have to stick with what works for you.

But you'll wish you bought a PS3...chumps.

I Am All Talk.

The title says it all...I've laid down my arms and surrendered about 150 bucks to the Runaway Bay Municipal court in hopes that I can take "Defensive Driving". So we'll see if the judge approves my request. Of course, then I have to pay who knows how much for defensive driving, and spend a day of my life re-learning how to drive...defensively. On the up side one of the local mexican food restaurants gives you a free meal with the defensive driving course, so there's that. Not sure if they also serve beer with it. Can you drive defensively after four or five Bud Lights? I tend to get a little defensive after a few, so logic tells me that should transfer right over to the driving. Guess that'll be one of the things they teach us. I wouldn't mind learning how to do a J turn either. That'd be a sweet defensive move there. We'll just have to see how the course goes. This may be a good thing, could help alleviate my mild to moderate road rage in the process. Or it could intensify it. I've always heard that the best defense is a good offense, or is it the other way around? Again, I'll have to check with the instructor, that seems like it'd be important information. So anyway, just thought I'd bare my shame and admit defeat. Ultimately the prospect of having higher insurance rates just wore me down. But rest assured, should another injustice of this magnitude occur, I'll complain as loud and as many times as possible. Believe that.
----------------
Now playing: Breaking Benjamin - Breath
http://foxytunes.com/artist/breaking+benjamin/track/breath

...And Justice for All?

My spotless driving record is now a thing of the past. Almost a decade of citation-free automobile use dashed in a single moment. The offense? Speeding? No. Rolling through a stop sign? No. DWI? No. The offense..."Failure to reduce speed when passing an emergency vehicle." That's right. Now under normal circumstances I'd take my licks and move on, however, several circumstances have forced me to stand and fight, figuratively of course. First, there's the offense. True it is illegal to pass an emergency vehicle without reducing your speed 20 mph or taking an available lane in Texas. However, circumstances in this situation are different. As I topped the hill, there was the police car, on a two lane road, pulled over onto the shoulder. With traffic behind me I was left with no choice but to take the other lane, as slowing my speed 20 miles an hour would have resulted in an accident. Second, the officer that pulled me over had pulled out of a convenience store a half mile before she got to the scene, thus setting the "trap". She wasn't assisting, she was waiting for some poor moron (i.e. me) to pass on that hill. I argued my case with her, calmly, to which she replied "If you knew any officers who had been killed on the highway..." I probably didn't handle the rest well, as I told her "don't give me that bullsh#t, I know plenty of cops." Could have handled it better. Third, it was in Runaway Bay Texas, population 1108. One major highway passes through this town, and it's well known throughout the region that this whole stretch of highway is a trap. I travel it no less than a half dozen times a month, and the minute I pass the city limits sign I'm rolling in stealth mode. So. I got a ticket. Turns out the ticket is good for $200.00, not to mention the increase in insurance premiums until the end of time. So I call the municpal "judge" and ask what I should do. She assumes that my ticket is for speeding (which indicates to me that she's dealt with several of these). I tell her no, that it's for failure to reduce blah blah blah, to which she replies "Oh, well that's a hefty little fine...260 dollars." Nevermind the fact that the state law says it's a maximum of 200 dollars. So I ask what I can do. Turns out that if she "approves" it I can take defensive driving. That'll cost me 103 bucks to the court, ten bucks to get my driving record, and then another fifty to take the course. IF she approves it. If she doesn't, I'm requesting a jury trial, during the course of which I will personally mentally beat down everyone in the room for hours. I'll have graphs, charts, Powerpoint presentations, witnesses that have nothing to say, the works. I will get my 260 dollars worth out of it. Chances are that won't happen. I'll probably take the defensive driving, eat 160 bucks, and call it a day. But I won't forget. Oh no. One of these days the Runaway Bay PD will need something from me. Could be money. Could be a lift. Could be a life (as this woman desparately needed one). But no, they'll get none of that from me. It will be a silent vengence to be sure. So this'll be the last you hear of my recent brush with injustice, unless I wind up in contempt of court and in a cell with Cletus. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Template II

OK...after a little tweaking I've got things back up in order. Turns out my old template made things a little difficult to read, so the screw up actually worked out. This is a little easier on the eyes. I cleaned up the ads, because Google can keep the .03 cents that I've earned from them. I'll be doing a little more work, but for the most part, this is what you'll see from now on. Salame'.

Template

Well thanks to my jacking around I've screwed up my template and lost all my links. Not to mention the donation widget I just posted about. Too late to mess with it now. I'll get it straightened out soon enough. Like you care.

This Fred's for You

Well, with the '08 presidential campaign already in semi-full swing we've all had a chance to see what sort of candidates we're going to have to choose from. As I don't believe the Democrats have any actual candidates, I'm not going to mention them. It's my blog, and I'll do what a damn well please. So far as the Republicans go, it's a pretty shoddy lot of characters. John McCain? We all know this cat is a filthy democrat-lover (wow, that sounded really derogatory). What with all the "immigration reform" this and "it's not amnesty" jibba jabba, I'm not having it. Rudy's got something, but how conservative can a New York City mayor really be? Mitt Romney? He's got quite a bit going for him, except for the whole Mormon thing. I can't really think of any other famous Mormon's to step up for him except former Dallas Mavericks center Shawn Bradley, and if I were Mitt I'd pass on Shawns support. Ron Paul is as crazy as a crap-house rat. Huckabee has no chance. I don't even know the others, so they're screwed. Lets face it, we need a stone cold conservative up in here. A guy that'll take care of business. That man is Fred Thompson. You want immigration reform without the sissy "Z-visa" amnesty? He's got it. You want comprehensive tax reform? He's got it. You want terrorists to be blowed up real nice like? He's all over it. In all seriousness, the guy is about the only true conservative out there. He's not drafting bills with Ted Kennedy. He doesn't NEED to be president (unlike most of the other candidates). He's not Hillary Clinton, in fact, he's fifty times the man Hillary is, and that's saying something. So, from now on there's going to be a donation widget on my sidebar so that you can give Fred some scratch. He's going to join this race, and when he does, he'll need the cash to get in front of people. So, use some of that extra money that you've got laying around (hey, gas prices have been dropping) and pass it on to Fred.

Absolute Gold.

Enjoy this...let it's addictive beats and Poet Laureate caliber lyrics take over your mind.

Proof.

This week we Americans once again were forced to stare into the cold face of evil. Call it "insanity", call it "disturbed", call it whatever you will, but the massacre at Virginia Tech was perpetrated by evil, pure and simple. "Evil" is not a popular word these days, mostly because we're too politically correct now to differentiate between good and evil. People who do bad things aren't "evil", they're "disturbed". Bullsh*t. Evil exists, we see it on television, we read about it in blogs and newspapers every day. We don't like to believe that there's evil because evil can't be cured. It can't be explained away with psychobabble. It simply is what it is.

In the aftermath of an act so heinous, so unfathomable, we're forced to listen to thousands of knee-jerk, politicized excuses and solutions to such a problem. To be sure there are advancements that can be made in alerting students, or teachers, or employees, or whomever, that something is wrong. It would be irresponsible to not explore new methods in this field. However, it does not negate the fact that evil exists and that it will, at will, attempt to harm others.

So what to do? Ban guns? To paraphrase a famous quote, when having a gun is criminal only criminals will have guns. It is a basic right of this nation for a citizen to arm themselves for protection. But lets say that we do ban guns...what happens to the 250,000,000 guns we already have? Do you think everyone will turn them in? To believe that you would have to be dense, or pathetically naive. Such an act would strengthen criminals, and make criminals of normally law-abiding citizens. I could march out statistics that state things about how criminals fear armed citizens, about how guns kill fewer children than swimming pools every year, and so on. But honestly, you either believe in them or you don't. You either believe that a common citizen is responsible and intelligent enough to own a weapon, or you don't. I happen to believe that owning a firearm just makes sense. Criminals are armed, why on Earth wouldn't I be? When I played football I didn't show up to a game in shorts and flip-flops while the other team is in full pads...to do so would mean certain defeat. The stakes when you pit an unarmed civilian with an armed criminal are much higher than that.

The bottom line is this: Whether we have guns, sticks, knives, rocks, or just bare fists evil will find a way to harm people if it so desires. Granted, a fist cannot compare to the carnage that a semi-automatic pistol can produce, but would it if another person could defend themselves against it in kind? "Mutual destruction" is a powerful deterrent. If I plan on robbing someone and I find out that they have as much firepower as I do, I'm not going to rob that person. Evil, determined though it may be, isn't stupid.

The events at Virginia Tech sadden and infuriate us all. Such senseless loss of life has that effect on good people. My suggestion is don't try to rationalize the irrational. Cho was evil. His whimpering, pathetic, explicative-laced "manifesto" is trash; an attempt at rationalizing his own marginal existence. He will be forgotten. His victims will not.

May The Lord be with those who have suffered from this cowardly act.

What's the REAL cause of "Global Warming"?

It's that damn Sasquatch!

To: Britain, From: Iran

Dear Britain,

You are cordially invited to bomb our country into the stone age. I've been talking with the mullahs, and we're all pretty sure that you haven't been getting our hints. First they suggested that we call you and America "The Great Satan"...but that didn't even make headlines. So, we called up Kim Jong and bounced some ideas off of Khadafi, and we decided to go ahead and send some troops into Iraq to toilet paper the place. But we didn't have enough TP so we gave them RPG's instead (GOTCHA!!! LOL). We thought that'd really tweak your nipples, but all it got was some weak "don't do that now Iran" garbage at the U.N. Limey please. You can't front like that on us! So what's a midget tyrant to do? I talked with my shorties and they said "just grab up a bunch of them and put 'em on TV". I had her shot for knowing what a TV was, but after that I decided that it wasn't a bad idea. Long story short, yeah we've got your sailors. Were they trespassing, who knows? I'm sure they were doing something wrong, I think I heard that one of them was "smoking fags", which is WAY not cool unless you're in the desert and Ahmed just won't leave you al...nevermind. But it still doesn't seem like you're getting the message. So here it is...Bomb us. Bomb us good. We've got nukes! Well, OK, we don't have them yet, but if you don't bomb us we will for sure! Well, that is if our generals will quit defecting, but if that happens you'd better get ready for some hard core nuke action! Hope to see your planes soon.

XOXOXO

Sincerely,

Mahmoud Ackma...Acma...crap my name is hard to spell...forget it, The President of Iran.

P.S. Bring America too, I mean we really want a good, sound bombing here.
P.P.S. Syria is too shy to ask, but could you drop a couple on them too? Great!

An Inconcludent Truth, er, Theory, no, uh, Pant-load. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I'm sure you all know by now that the all knowing, all seeing, all eating Al Gore won an Oscar for his documentary "An Inconvenient Truth". The premise of this Oscar winning film is that THE WORLD IS GOING TO END, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. Let me quantify that. The world is going to end because of global warming, and because you drove to work today in a vehicle that doesn't burn hair clippings from your local barbershop, but burns petroleum products instead, it's your fault.

I can appreciate the fact that Al has too much time and money on his hands and that, mixed with his need to be in the spotlight yet again, he needed to make this film. What I can't understand is the fact that seemingly intelligent people actually buy in to this thing. His contention that humans are primarily responsible for global warming is not a fact. I repeat: Is. Not. A. Fact. It's a theory. I've got a theory that says that I'll eventually marry a Hooters girl with a PhD, should I crank out a film on it? Maybe if I convince the UN and every other government in the world to throw billions of dollars into my theory it'll get some play. If Al Gore, a man who has absolutely zero scientific background, can stir up such a crap-storm maybe I can as well. I'm just as unqualified as he is. But I digress. My point here is that it's a theory. A theory that several people have been shooting holes in for a decade. What holes you say? Well I'm not surprised that you haven't heard them. Which title would you expect to hear on the evening news:

"World ending shortly because of Global Warming"

or

"World in another warming trend"

Probably the first. It makes for better news. People couldn't care less that the worlds temperature has increased by .0029 degrees over the past few years (and yes I know that's not the actual number). But if you tell people that the world is going to end, well, people might accidentally tune in to Katie Couric to hear that...maybe.

Another theory, and yes it is a theory, is that global climate change is brought on by sunspots primarily, not "greenhouse gases." The sun is hot. Sunspots are hotter. Seems to make sense that if there are more sunspots, more radiation will reach the Earth, thus heating it. Now, this is not a one time occurrence, this "global warming". It happened 8000 years ago, and it's been happening off and on since then. It just so happens that this also corresponds with the sunspot data that we have. If Al Gore's theory is sound that would imply that Hummers and Suburbans were cruising around in 6000 B.C. See if this makes sense to you:

Sun is hot.
Sunspots are hotter.
More Sunspots = More radiation
More radiation = more heat
More heat = global climate change

Makes sense to me. The fact that it's happened before, and that ocean levels have been steadily rising for hundreds of years, I'm more apt to believe the sunspot theory. While we're on the ocean thing let's discuss this as well. We're being told that due to "global warming" we're all going to end up drowning because the polar ice caps are going to melt. Hmmm. Let me ask you this question: When you drive through McDonalds in your Prius and order a large Hi-C, put it in your cup holder, then leave it in the car while you shop for hemp shirts, do you come back to the vehicle and find that your cup has overflowed? No? Well all the ice melted didn't it? Ice displaces the same amount of liquid as water does. So, when your ice cube melts, the cup doesn't overflow, the volume of liquid stays the same. I'm not saying that if all the ice melted that the ocean levels wouldn't rise...but most of the polar ice caps are already in the ocean.

Anyway. I felt that I needed to tell all two of you this. Now go and do something productive.

The Night the Lights went out in Texas...A mathmatical conundrum

As most intelligent citizens of Texas know, a light-bulb will not turn on without electricity. It just won't. Most people also understand the following equation:

More People + More Light-bulbs = More Energy used

Seems simple enough. The next part of the equation is what the eco-nuts can't grasp:

More energy used + More Power Plants = No problem

That also seems simple, but for those of you who can't follow, let me make it multiple choice. Please select the equation that will NOT plunge Texas into rolling blackouts in five years:

A) More Energy Used + Solar panels and magic heat generating gnomes = No problem
B) More Energy Used + Wind farms and beanies with propellers = No problem
C) Less Energy Used + Wishing in one and and crapping in the other = No problem
D) More Energy Used + More Power Plants = No problem

If you chose anything other than D please stop reading this blog. Don't tell me that there's another answer. Don't tell me that we can do without more energy. Save it. The bottom line is our population is growing exponentially, and without more power, we'll be in the same situation as California. TXU, the largest energy supplier in Texas, has asked to build several new Coal-Fire Power Plants. Hippies don't like it. they need more time to "evaluate the environmental impact" which is hippie speak for "need more time to cook up some hair-brained, half assed suggestion that will never work".

Is coal clean? It can be. Not cleaner than propane, butane, or unicorn tears, but it's OK. Hippies don't want nuclear power plants, because it contains the word NUCLEAR. No air pollution there...but no good. So, we're in a pickle, we need energy but we can't make it. What's the answer? Ignore the freakin hippies, build the plants, keep cranking out those sweet sweet megawatts, and life is good. You can't walk out your front door without impacting the environment in some way, shape, or form. If you don't like the thought of having to build new power plants, then pack up your hippie friends and move to a less populated state. That could solve the energy problem, and the smell (yes, I'm insinuating that hippies smell).

Had to say what was on my mind. Now back to it.

The $10.00 Hamburger and the Frozen Wasteland

No, it's not the title of the next Harry Potter book. It's the theme of my latest trip to Pennsylvania. Oh it started off OK, cold, but OK. That all changed yesterday. I crawled out of my hotel bed bright and early, showered and dressed, then turned on the TV to see that there was a "Winter Storm Warning". Bad news. But how bad could it be? I looked out the window to see that everything was covered in ice, and it was sleeting heavily at that very moment. Ice. Not snow. Snow is fun, you can drive on snow. No one ever made an "Ice Angel", no one ever has "Ice-Ball fights". Ice, for lack of a better word, sucks.

Nonetheless I loaded up my sweet Chevy Malibu rental car and proceeded to bobsled all the way to the airport. Ten miles in an hour and fifteen minutes. I was early, 6 hours early to be exact. I checked in, only two canceled flights, things were looking up. Somewhere around hour number three at the airport they announced that they were no longer going to scrape the runway. Bad news, yet again. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that nothing was going to leave the airport on a plane. So I called a hotel, no rooms, another hotel, again no rooms. Finally I managed a reservation and asked when they could come and pick me up in the shuttle. "We don't want to risk anyone's life, it's awful out there" was the answer they gave me. So, how about a taxi? No dice. Not a single one. This is Pennsylvania for crying out loud. Not Arizona, not Hawaii, Pennsylvania. YOU'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. Oh I was told that this was the first storm of the winter, but I've got this crazy feeling that some of the people that live in Penn State are more than A YEAR OLD. Maybe the bitter cold of this place affects long term memory, I don't know. So I book a rental car, a Cobalt this time. I walk out to the car, step in a hole that lands me knee deep in snowy, icy, slush. Oh, did I mention that it had actually began snowing at this point? Keep that in mind. I get to the car, unlock the door, and it's frozen shut. That's right, frozen shut. So I go to the passenger side, open the door, bend over to load up my luggage in the back seat because THE TRUNK WAS FROZEN SHUT, and proceed to have what felt like five pounds of snow fall directly down the back of my pants and into my crack. Do I have to tell you what a massive load of frozen water in your crevasse feels like? I didn't think so. So I crawl over the console, get in the drivers seat, fire up the Cobalt and get ready to ride. NOT SO FAST. Some carpetbagging yankee had pulled both windshield wipers straight up. I try to open the drivers door from the inside. No deal. So, I closed my eyes, collected myself, and waited for thirty minutes until the door unfroze.

I took off for the hotel, checked in and went to the room. Around supper time I thought that I'd go and grab a bite at the hotel restaurant. For those of you who don't travel often, take this advice: Hotel restaurants blow. The food is way, way over priced and is almost always the worst food within fifteen miles. I check the menu, extremely overpriced. 10oz New York Strip=$30.00. Club Sandwich=$10.00. So I limit my options to the hamburger (a 10.00 venture) and the Philly cheese-steak (also ten bucks). I ask the waitress which she preferred, to which she replied "Oh the Hamburger!". Sounds promising. I ask for it to be medium-well, with cheddar and grilled onions. Forty-five minutes later, I received what looked like a burger, on some tricked up, stale, roll. I notice that there are no grilled onions on it. I also noticed that it appeared that someone had managed to slice cheese that was only one millimeter thick, an impressive feat. I asked the waitress about the onions, she looked lost, so I said never mind. Then I notice that I have no mustard, mayo, ketchup, not even a package of sweet and low. I ask for mustard. I'm brought a tub of some of the most non-mustardy mustard on this planet. Mustard is yellow. I know this because I've eaten mustard for going on 25 years. This was brown. Don't tell me about dijon mustard, because that doesn't qualify. Anyway, I put it all together, took a bite, and dust shot out the end of the burger. It was more than well done, it appeared that it had kissed the sun at some point. I ate what I could of the fries, paid out, and resigned myself to a night of hunger and cold.

But now, as we speak, I'm in the airport. Flights are leaving, and I'm bound for Cincinnati, then Dallas. I'll be there soon...just not soon enough.

Worst. Commercials. Ever.

The NFL season is over...now we're left with the NBA (yawn), NHL (eh), and MLB (quadruple yawn). Superbowl XLI was a great game, lots of twists and turns, lots of mouth smashing and what not, but the commercials...just...sucked. Granted there were a couple that got a moderate giggle out of me, but nothing like in years past. I saw more local, dumpy commercials in this Superbowl than in any other year. I blame FOX. "Well why blame them?" you may be asking yourself. Because they didn't pony up the cash to broadcast it this year, so CBS got it and mucked it all up. Who even announced the game for CBS? Phil Simms? Give me some Aikman and Buck, throw in a little Madden, maybe some Michaels? Hell, Tony Kornheiser, with his big bag of nothing, trumps Phil Simms. OK then, that's about all I have to say about this...just needed to get it off my chest. I'll leave you with the only commercial that stuck out in my mind. Feel free to comment if you have anything else.



Oh...almost forgot this one...pretty decent as well:

Mystery of the Universe #1

Why People Get Married: Solved.

This post will begin a new theme that will appear from time to time on The Steaming bLog…Mysteries of the Universe. I’ll post them as I solve them, as I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of you out there who’ve been searching for the answers to the very same questions. First up is Marriage. Keep two things in mind when reading these Mysteries. One; the Mystery wouldn’t have come to mind if I hadn’t encountered it recently; which could result in an upbeat, optimistic post, or a sarcastic, semi-belligerent post, depending on the experience. And two, I reserve the right to modify, deny, or defend any solution contained hereafter. With that tidy disclaimer made, let’s get into our first solved mystery.

For centuries Man and Woman have been joined together by the act of Marriage. Some would say we’re born with the Marriage gene, thus being drawn by instinct to find a mate and settle down. Others might say that Marriage is brought about by finding your soul mate; the Yin to your Yang, the Abbott to your Costello, the Jill to your Jack. Still others might claim that it’s simply an outdated tradition forced upon the masses by “The Man”. These theories are sound, well, except for the last theory…if you believe that you’re probably a tin-foil hat wearing idiot who shouldn’t marry or procreate. My theory, nay, my solution to this mystery follows no existing theory, but it certainly holds up in the court of common sense.

Follow me if you will. You’re a single, twenty-something, Caucasian, middle class, American male. Up until this point in your life you’ve had several constants: family, friends, the ever increasing cost of buying goods, and the also ever increasing scandal produced by the fairer sex (women, not gay men). But as you age you find that some of these constants grow weak, and some grow ever stronger. You realize that your mother’s theory that Hot Pockets are bad for you is probably true, so your bond with your family grows. You realize that the loaf of bread that cost you .99 cents two years ago now costs you twice that, so the increasing cost of goods constant holds true. The last two constants go hand in hand. As one weakens, the other is bolstered. The friends that once stood by you through thick and thin begin to only stand by you through thin, thinner, and then thinnest. At first this transition is transparent, barely noticeable, much like a screen door on a warm summers day. You walk through the house, heading to the backyard through an open door, then WHAM you walk right through the screen door of abandonment. You find that not only have you walked through the screen door, another door has been closed and bolted behind you. Oh the door will be opened at times, and you’ll be allowed passage on occasion, your friends may even be able to venture out of the door to meet you (if granted a reprieve), but most times you’ll find that the door is closed and you’re on your own.

As I stated before, as one constant weakens the other grows stronger. By this point I’m sure you can gather which constant has weakened…so it stands to reason that the constant that it strengthened involves the scandalous ways of women. Ok, that’s out of the way, so lets continue:

While flying solo in the world you come to believe that you’re the smart one. Everyone else is tied down, their lives dictated and scheduled and micro-managed by someone else. You’re free; you do what you want, when you want, for any reason at all. Life is sweet. You catch up on your reading, you spend an inordinate amount of time playing Playstation, you start a blog…yeah, things could not be better. Or could it? As the months and years go on you start to see that freedom without fellow compatriots just isn’t the same. Who’s there to laugh with you when you see a fat woman riding a bicycle? Who’s there to back you up when the grocery clerk gets all uppity after you ask him to put the milk in a separate bag? Who’s there to pull your finger when…well, when you’re feeling especially buoyant? No one, that’s who. Yeah, you could bring your mother along, but they don’t find fat women as funny as you, they feel sorry for the grocery clerk, and after the fourth or fifth time, they’ll just stop pulling your finger. The world becomes a cold and unforgiving place.

Life becomes a waiting game. Will one of the lost brethren call you this weekend? You long for a taste of what was, the days of camaraderie and illicit activities that colored your past. Sometimes you get that taste, but it never quenches you. Sure, you could find others that are in the same predicament as you, but the history isn’t there. So you resign yourself to a future of solitude, venturing out only for work and food…and occasionally for some Hot Pockets and video games.

You begin to grow accustomed to this quasi-life. Things could be worse right? But then you see them. Your friends and their wives with their friends and their wives, and you begin to grow sour. Just look at them, laughing at their silly “married” jokes, talking about Desperate Housewives and how it actually is a pretty good show, eating their quiches. You’d like to take them down a peg or two all right. But how? It’s always two against one, and unless you’re fighting midgets, those just aren’t odds that you’re comfortable with. So you start scheming, day after day trying to find a chink in their armor. Days turn in to weeks, weeks into months and possibly years…and then EUREKA!!! While watching the History channel the answer comes to you, like a bolt of lightning from the heavens…The Trojan Horse! You have to sneak in behind enemy lines, then attack. Oh it’s perfect, it’ll take some planning, but it’s the only way. You try several methods; asking the couple out for a meal, inviting them over for a movie, telling them that your plumbing is out and that you need to use their john. All allow you entrance to the fortress, but then the internal defenses go up. Their wife gets “tired”, or needs to go to the store, or keeps asking your friend to do odd jobs around the house. Attempt after attempt is foiled.

Disheartened and defeated you return to your lair, questioning not only the plan, but your very existence. Then it hits you, the only way to gain entry and remain in their circle is to become one of them. That’s it! You spend months looking for the right “horse” to accompany you. Finally you find her, though she’s not exactly a thoroughbred, she’s just what you needed. You spend all of your time with her, all the while secretly planning your attack. Then the day comes, you pop the question, she accepts, and the plan is one step closer to fruition. Revenge, sweet, sweet revenge is on the horizon.

But then you have to take your wife to Home Depot one weekend. Then it’s a trip to buy new furniture, because the old furniture doesn’t match the paint that you bought at Home Depot. Then it’s a party at her sisters’ house, and a fight because you told her that Rachel Ray would look pretty good if she got some implants.

Finally, your friend and his wife invite you and your wife over for coffee and biscotti one night. You walk in, sit down to coffee, eat your biscotti, talk about duvet covers and make small talk about 401k accounts, then you go home. There was something you were going to do tonight. What was it again? You strain trying to remember what it was, then your wife yells at you for not paying attention. Oh well, you’ll think of it tomorrow…but you never do. The revenge that you had spent so many man hours concocting, so many ounces of blood, sweat and tears developing, just slips away. You’re thankful for the companionship, but always wonder how it was that you got here.

There it is. There’s the solution to the mystery of Marriage. Sure, some remember why they got into it…we call these people divorcees, alcoholics, or crack addicts. This is not to say that once you’re in a marriage you’re not happy, many people are. This is simply the answer to the question “why do people get married”? And so this concludes the first installment. I hope that you’ve found it enlightening. Until next time…