It's the Bias that Beats me

Why? Why is it that I can't turn on the TV without being subjected to someone's political viewpoint? I'm not talking about CSPAN either, I could understand that. I've grown accustomed to the idea that if you're liberal you watch CNN and if you're conservative you watch FOX News, but I refuse to have to turn on my bias filter to watch cartoons. I'm a grown man, and yes, I'll watch some cartoons every once in a while (nothing wrong with some Simpsons or Sealab 2021), but last night while flipping through the channels I ran across a show called "The Boondocks". It's a series based on a comic strip that some may view as controversial. Basically the entire show dealt with the characters problems with rich white people, the Iraq war, and various other social-political issues. Judging by the way it's being promoted, it's supposed to be shocking. They even mentioned something to the effect of "If you don't like it watch the Andy Griffith Show" or something. I wasn't shocked, wasn't phased in the least bit by it's baseless accusations and ignorant arguments, but I was mentally beaten by the end of it. It was like watching a car accident, you don't want to watch, but you can't turn away. By the end of the show I couldn't fathom how someone could actually pitch a show like this and have it air. I am so freakin tired of all the bias. You can't watch the news without it, you can't watch a sitcom without it, and now you can't even watch cartoons without it. If things continue on this path, children of the future will be so indoctrinated by this horse crap they won't know which way is up. If I want to hear political discourse I'll tune into a CSPAN, not Comedy Central or Cartoon Network. I understand and appreciate the first amendment, everyone can say anything they like...Ignorant or not...but it's generally the people who scream "IT'S MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT!" who are the people you need to ignore. I'm no conspiracy theorist, at least I don't think I am, but all of this bias has to be attributed to someone. Whoever it is, they're intelligent. Selling political agendas as entertainment is a tricky business, and they're working it down to a fine art. All the more reason to tune out...make you're own decisions (if that's possible anymore). As for me, I'm going to stick to watching the spanish station Univision, if I can't understand them, they can't subconsciously sell me on something.

From 36,000 Feet

It’s about 6:15pm, Texas time, and I’m at 36000 ft. This trip almost became routine. No nervousness on the way to the airport, no worries about how much my bag weighed, not a second thought about which seat I was assigned on the plane. Like I said, routine…until now. This flight is a little bumpy, not enough to be disconcerting, just enough to keep me from sleeping, and it’s apparent that the turbulent atmosphere was for a reason. Were I sleeping right now I would miss an absolutely amazing view. Here I am, 23 years old, chasing the sun as it sets, fighting the night at hundreds of miles an hour. Almost routine. Moments like this make me appreciate the many, many blessings that I’ve been granted with little or no return on that investment. Granted, it’s not that uncommon for a person my age to be employed, and not all that unusual that they might travel frequently, but I’m not any “person”. No degree, no trust fund, no attention span, and no problems with that. Despite what the school counselor told us…you can attain a good job with no degree (though common sense and genius helps). Despite what pop-culture says you can lead a great and meaningful life without a 7000 square foot home and deep pockets. Contrary to the theory of my high school humanities teacher, I can manage to be quiet and listen long enough to get the point (Ritalin be damned). Sort of makes me feel guilty for wishing at times that I did have a degree, a trust fund, and some semblance of an attention span. It is my firm belief that things happen for a reason. Sure, we question them, and for good reason I suppose (we are “intelligent” we can’t help but over-analyze everything), but then it all comes together. If I had a degree, a trust fund, and an attention span I’d be flat out dangerous. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m thinking something along the lines of “youngest President in U.S. history”. Not a bad thing…if you're an American citizen. For now I’ll have to settle with becoming the youngest Governor of Texas (or Lieutenant Governor, I’m no snob). Routine? Yeah right.

A little side note...I didn't actually post this while I was on the plane, but it was written up there.

Insert Willie Nelson lyric here "....."

As the title implies, I am on the road again. Well, soon to be anyway. I'm headed to Virginia, land of coal mines and John Denver songs...or is that West Virginia? Anyway, it's home to the next customer I'm visiting. Another in and out trip, not even enough time to zip up to Washington D.C. and kick it with G Dub. That's what I call him...we're cool like that. I'm getting pretty familiar with the east coast and great lakes states. I'm looking forward to seeing Virginia, evidently this is the time of year to see it. I'm not, however, looking forward to losing an hour of sleep. Time zone changes are always such a beating. I get to the hotel, turn the air conditioner down to -10 degrees, flip open the laptop and turn on the news. I'm running on Texas time, so when it's midnight there, I'm still wide awake. Then the morning comes. When I'm at home I'm up at seven, dressed, and on the road in no time. On the east coast evidently everyone gets started at, oh, six o'clock in the morning. This means I have to be up by four thirty or five Texas time, which in turn means that by three o'clock that afternoon I'm a walking zombie. I can't put together cohesive sentences, can't tie my shoes, drive, or give any sort of worthwhile advice to customers. Oh I fake it, try to sound like I know what I'm doing, but it usually comes out like "Well, uh, I would suggest you...you...YOU...hey you, you're a cool dude, you know it? Man...this guy right here...yeah, this guy...man. C'mere and gimme some sugar." Very embarrassing. I don't normally call someone a "cool dude", and very rarely do I ask any dude for some "sugar", but when I'm deprived of sleep, anything can happen. So yeah, I'm off to Virginia. If you see that I've been thrown in jail for sexual harrassment, call and put in a good word for me.

Greatest Answer Ever?

Hello all. Thought I might drop in and make a post, as it's Thursday evening and anything worth watching on TV is done. Earlier this week I saw General Honore, the new commanding officer in the New Orleans area, talking to reporters about the upcoming storm. He explained that he was there to talk about the upcoming threat of Hurricane Rita, not what happened two weeks ago. So, what did the news media on the scene ask him about? Hurricane Katrina related topics. What followed was the greatest answer ever given to the media, about the media, for the media. The answer..."I'm not answering that, you're stuck on stupid." I love it. It has so many applications in my day to day life, and there's just no rebuttal to it. You tell someone that they're "stuck on stupid" what can they say? Hopefully it will induce a bit of introspection on their part. "What caused him to say that?" they might ask, then, if they dislodge themselves from their stupor, they'll find the answer. I'm thinking of using it on any question I don't want to answer, not just stupid questions. For example "Do you want paper or plastic?" Take a guess, I've been coming to your register for four years now, and I've chosen paper every time, what do you think?- That would have been the answer, but not anymore. Then there's this little gem "Would you like any salt, pepper or ketchup?" Who doesn't want one or all of those things with a meal? I've ordered french fries, so hell yes I want ketchup. Ok, "you're stuck on stupid" may not be the nicest thing to say to people, and it saddens me to have to use it (or does it), but is it wrong to point out less than intelligent questions? I say no. I say that we've been appeasing and coddling the slow witted for too long. Everyone gets a ribbon at the spelling bee for participation...and why? So little Johnny doesn't feel like a mo-ron. When I was young, and did something stupid, I was politely informed that it was, well, stupid. What did I do? I learned about why it was stupid, then moved on. After years of that, you gain something valuable...Intelligence. Too many times people are rewarded for mediocrity, and that constant praise for the less than meritable softens a person. The real world doesn't care if you almost spelled "Cacophony" right, they don't care if you get to work on time every morning (that's part of the job), they care when real work is done and real breakthroughs are made. That leaves people of my generation dissatisfied with their jobs, they feel that no one appreciates them because no one has given them the 5th place ribbon. So I say to you, use "stuck on stupid" liberally (only time you'll see the world "liberal" here), do your fellow man a favor. I know I will.

Not as windy as advertised...

A few weeks ago I spent quite a bit of time in the Midwest. Chicago, Milwaukee, Green Bay, and Cedar Rapids...Three states in one day (twice). Quite the long trip, and I've got another exciting trip to North Carolina coming up next week. I don't do much traveling in the south for some reason. I don't mind the north too much, don't really mind the east coast...Just two problems really; The food and the ridicule of my Texan drawl. Seems like the further north I go, the less people season their food. Yankees, what's up with that? You've got access to the same stuff, why not throw some cayenne pepper on those steaks? Little salt on the potatoes? Something, anything to give that food a kick. And please, please stop cooking mexican food. As a general rule I try not to eat mexican food any further north than Oklahoma, it's just not right. Case in point, Milwaukee. I'm in a nice restaurant, the waitress brings me the menu and informs me of their specials. Among these "specials" is the fajitas. I think back to my rule about mexican food, then disregard it. Mistake. They bring me my beef fajitas, which consist of the following ingredients (in their entirety):

A) Beef
B) Onions
C) That's it.

That's right. No bell peppers, no jalapenos, no seasoning, AND NO TORTILLAS. That's a pretty integral part of the fajita plate. Without tortillas it's just meat. It'd be like ordering tacos and getting ground beef on a plate, or ordering a hot dog and only getting the wiener...IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. My mind was blown. Surely this lack of tortillas was a mistake. I ask the waitress "Ma'am, could you bring me the tortillas?" She looked at me like a confused puppy. "tortillas?" She asked. "You know, round, flat, flour tortillas...You put the meat in them." My plea fell on deaf and dumb ears. I may as well have asked for turd pie. She had no clue. So, mexican food up north rule...Reinforced.

The Texan drawl thing gets me into more trouble than anything. I consult with people from all walks of life. From the board room to the mechanic, all with differing opinions on my dialect. The people from the board room think I'm a moron, and the mechanics think I want to fight. I am, and I want neither. I've tried to acclimate my accent depending on the region I'm in, but I gave up. I just couldn't force myself to say "Wisscaaansin". I try to limit my Texan sayings though, like "fixin-to". It's a freakin verb in my part of the country, everyone says it. Heck, the English teachers make us conjugate it. Example "We're fixin-to go to the store". It just fits. What do you want me to say "We're getting ready to go to the store"? I think not. It was also pointed out to me that I say "Awright" instead of "All Right". Little things like that make me happy to come back home. Why can't they send me to Alabama, or Georgia, or Tennessee. I have all of my teeth, a high school diploma, and a family tree that has more than two branches, I'd be freakin royalty. But nay, they send me up north to be put to sleep by the food, and persecuted for my sexy Texan accent. Go figure.

Chicago Skyline.
ME

Right Wing Weather Machine?

Over the past week I've spent many hours watching the disaster in New Orleans. There is no doubt that this will go down in US history as one of the worst natural disasters of all time. It's brought out the best, and the worst, in all who have been involved. We've seen heroic rescues, opportunistic criminal activity, and tragic loss...But I keep coming back to one glaring question: Why? Why were there this many people in the city when Katrina made landfall? I've heard plenty of excuses, some of which are valid (of course the sick and elderly would have a tough time getting out). I've heard that because people were poor, they had no transportation, and thus they couldn't leave. Here's the problem with that. Let's say that I had 48 hours to leave a city, 48 hours until a massive hurricane (one that has been touted as being incredibly destructive) hits my city. Now lets say that I don't have a car. Mankind has been blessed with built in transportation devices called "legs". I don't want to sound cold, but if I thought my life was in danger, I wouldn't mind hoofing it several miles to get out of harms way. It's becoming widely known that the New Orleans evacuation plan was left wanting, and that officials did not want to have to issue a "mandatory evacuation", and now we see the results. As expected, people are starting the blame game. The left has blamed Bush for not acting quickly enough, the greens have blamed Bush for not signing the Kyoto treaty, and the Mayor of New Orleans has blamed everyone under the sun. Let's make something clear, hurricanes occur naturally, many times a year, and have done so for thousands of years. Don't let Bush off the hook yet though, it is possible that Karl Rove has developed a time machine that has allowed Bush to travel through time and spur these hurricanes with the magical R.W.W.M. (Right wing weather machine). They are a devious lot, and we know that Rove, being a dark Jedi master, has access to such technology. The argument that the hurricane was caused by global warming is the biggest, smelliest, steaming pile that I've heard in some time. Prove it. Even if, by some chance, it was caused or intensified by global warming, do you really think signing the Kyoto treaty would have helped? Believe it or not, the USA is not the leading polluter on this earth, look to the far east for those culprits. It would appear that disaster relief was slow to start, but don't blame the president for that. It is the governors responsibility to deploy national guardsmen (it's actually a law, otherwise the president could declare martial law anywhere, at any time). It's sickening to see these political games being played out while people are still in the water, common decency is a thing of the past. Why can't everyone just acknowledge that this was a terrible disaster, then move forward in the reconstruction process? As looney as it sounds, New Orleans does need to be rebuilt. Even though it's below sea level, and is a stones throw from the sea (no doubt a bad combination) it is a major business hub for the US. Granted, it will take considerable time and money to rebuild, but labor should not be an issue. There are going to be thousands of people out of work in the New Orleans area, what would be better than hiring these people on to rebuild their own city. I believe it would instill a pride in the residents of New Orleans like they've never known. If you pour your own blood, sweat, and tears into something you have that much more respect for it, and in our day, respect is something that's in short supply.

A Literary Genius is Born

Most of us remember a slip up or two that occured during our youth. I must confess that even I had my brief moments of misbehavior. I am about to bring to you the Junior High newspaper that shook the literary world (within 13 miles of my hometown). A paper with whose subtle inuendo landed yours truly in the principals office, and in the halls of Junior High Periodical greatness. This particular news print was written during my 7th grade year. Posting it via the blog will take away from it's ambiance (you're missing out on some quality hand drawn figures) but you'll get the point. See if you can spot what landed me in hot water. It does start off a little slow, as it was mostly a "historical" piece, however, there are bits of humor in it. The grammar and syntax have not been changed. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Enjoy

THE DAILY SCUTTLEBUTT


A DIVISION OF "MONKEY SPANK GAZETTE" OCT.2

LA SALLE'S DEATH
by Coleman and Annie

Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered allegedly by the members of his crew yesterday. LaSalle, the leader of the expedition to the "new world" was supposedly very difficult to get along with and his journey to the "new world" was failing. LaSalle was killed in the "new world" and the expedition will not continue to try and conquer the "new world" for France. The members of the expedition will return home in a few months. Our respects to LaSalle's family.

HUMAN INTEREST: THE WIFE DID IT
by Kimmy

Rumor has it LaSalle's wife Sasha set up the murder of Sir LaSalle, her husband of 15 years. Supposedly she secretly called a silent murderer. He told her exactly what he would do. Right away she hired him for 500 francs. Which is an extraordinary price at these times. His wife did not shed a tear at the funeral because she felt fortunate that he died. I also heard she was having an affair with a servent named Fabio. Fabio told her to kill her husband, so she had him killed. Now they are getting married and will live happily ever after.

EDITORIAL: LASALLE'S MURDER
by Sheena

In my opinion, LaSalle's murder wsa brought upon by himsef [sic]. His actions, attitude, and personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality of LaSalle made him very inable to get along with. In his young childhood LaSalle had a great spiritual religion, but soon that all ended. Though LaSalle was couragous and heroic many members of his crew found him abrupt and demanding. Therefore, they killed him.

OBITUARIES
by Coleman

Sir Beavis Mercedes
Died of blow to head by wife. Funeral tomorrow 8:00 at Monkey Funeral home.

Robert Rene Cavalier LaSalle
Died of the following- Arrows, knife, severe blows to melon and broken bones.

Madame Monkey de Spank
Died of natural causes.

SPORTS
by Coleman

Football: Last night, the Cowboys went against the Chiefs in a grueling battle. The game was full action! It was by far the best game of all season! There was also a variety of penalties among the worst was in the 4th quarter, Joe Monktana speared Emmit Spank. The final score was 7-9 and the Cowboys take the win.

Baseball: Strike
Water Polo: Creek Dried Up
Ice Hockey: No ice yet
Basketball: No air for ball.
Boxing: Mike Monkey vs. Evender Spank. The fight was delayed by stampeding herd of bull.
Fishing: Delayed by lack of worms.

CLASSIFIED ADS
by Everyone

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Tired of your kids? Good. Well we have the think for you! Genuine corn cob monkey. Yell now and get a free monkey spank!

Hurry! Hurry! The Spare Parts Store is having a sale! Arms 5 francs! Come on in and browse! 1519 Dirt Walk

Hakeems Wonders, Thingamabobs! If you want a thingamabob well we've got em'. All at a rebate price! Come now! Hakeem Blvd.

Scrolls by Bob is having a clearance sale! All scrolls 50% off.

Wanted: One good hearted woman to forgive imperfection to the man that she loves. By Alan Jackson. Yell Now.

FEATURE:
THE EFFECTS OF LASALLES EXPEDITION
by Annie

Though Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered by the members of his own expedition, the results of his journey were very beneficial towards France. Many people gossip about LaSalles journey, saing that it did absolutely nothing for France, when in fact, it did alot.
First of all, the French have already made plans to trade with the Indians LaSalle met along the way. Though there has been much controversy, we French now have claim on this "new world" also. Lastly, Lasalles exploits have forced the spanish to change the French policy towards France. As you can see, on this day of mourning, the flags will fly at half mast, the people of France will walk the streets in black, and dark curtains will be drawn in all windows, because LaSalle, one of the greatest Frenchmen ever to live, has died.

THE END


Well. Did you spot the faux pas? Sadly, this made it out into the student population before the slip up was noticed. It scarred a whole generation of newspaper readers (could be responsible for the amazing success of web based news sites...you're welcome). Keep in mind, these were the days before cable ran rampant through rural America. I (we) honestly didn't know what that phrase meant. I can look back now and realize why the school administration frowned on having this particular publication circulated throughout the entire Junior High School. Hey, live and learn. Hope you enjoyed this little piece, don't look for any follow ups. Too much innuendo, too many mispelled words, not to mention the terrible grammar, misplaced words, plot holes, and a major lack of tact. My writing has been refined. To my compatriots who wrote this piece with me, but dodged any recoil from this piece...thanks. To Mrs. Martin: Sorry, if I only knew then what I know now....

Correction

Just a note about the last picture post. The "ME" at the end of the post is not the answer to the question above it, it's a name for the person who posted the picture. Sorry mom, didn't mean to get your hopes up.

That sounded a little gay, so a little note about the above note. She wants me to get married and produce a small army of grandchildren, no matter the cost (or wife). Apparently, I'm too "picky". Ok, still sounds a little gay, but it's been explained, so drop it.

So I noticed that I hadn't posted any pictures in, oh, eight or nine months. I'm going to try to post a few more pictures on here (no, not all of them will be of me, so quit complaining). Here's my first installment, a deeply touching picture of my lab Moose and myself. Who needs a wife when you have companionship like this?
ME

Sometimes "Representation" isn't all that great either...

Four score and about three hundred years ago, our forefathers were fed up. Tired of paying outrageous taxes to the motherland...and for what? Nothing. A big sack full of it. So they decided that "taxation without representation" wasn't for them. Thus the Revolutionary War was started, and finished, and blah blah blah, here we are today. Now, the straw that broke the camels back for the early American Colonials was the Tea tax...if they only lived to see the 21st century, they'd call us all Benedict Arnolds. Look at what we, men and women of the land of the free, are paying in taxes every day. Let me spout off a few: Sales tax, Gasoline tax, Death tax, Marriage tax (isn't marriage taxing enough?), Excise tax, Corporate taxes, Property taxes, and let us not forget our old friend Income tax (Federal, State, and Local in some cases). That's a lot of tax, a regular boatload of taxation. Imagine if someone went back in time and told old Bennie Franklin that we were paying taxes to die. He'd spout off something wise, then waste us with a roundhouse to the face. We all know that we're paying taxes for something, and don't get me wrong, I like having roads, police, schools, military, a reliable infrastructure, and on occasion, government employees...but enough is enough. In this "ownership society" that we live in, we don't even have complete control over our paychecks. Before I see one red cent, good old Uncle Sam has taken me to the cleaners. I'm single, male, and employed full time, so I take the brunt of the reaming (you can thank me later for your childrens education). Sure, I could be dishonest and claim five dependents, I'm sure I could find five, but then I risk paying even more tax, in a lump sum at some point, or spending five to ten in a federal pen. Choices, choices. Now, I realize that taxes make the world go 'round, and I am by no means suggesting that we stop paying them, then raise up and create a system where all government employees are paid via the barter system, what I am suggesting is a change in the way that we pay those taxes. Lets take old Joe Blow. He's earning minimum wage, living in government housing, on medicare/medicaid, welfare, and he's still scraping up enough scratch to hit up the picture show on Friday night with his lady friend (yes, I said picture show...and lady friend). Now, other than inflation causing his check to mean less and less "bang for the buck" so to speak, he's paying wild taxes on his income. Before he has the check in hand he's lost a chunk of it to taxes. Then he goes and gasses up his T-Bird and pays 35 cents a gallon worth of tax on his gasoline (think about that when you're spending 50 bucks at the pump), then he steps inside and pays an exorbitant amount of tax on his smokes, by the time he walks away he's easily dropped 1/4th of his check on taxes in some form. Think that sounds way overblown? Don't like that number? I have that much taken out of every check before I have it in hand. So, what's the solution? Smaller government is a start, but the realistic fix would be to change what is taxed, and when. I give you the Flat tax. Now, I don't know what you've heard about it before, but forget it, unless it's what I'm going to say, then remember it and reinforce it. Check this out. Take our old buddy Joe Blow. Payday rolls around and here's his check. Not a dime taken out (except for what he's decided to put in his private Social Security account, of course) and he's off. He decides how much tax he's going to pay, because he decides what to buy. Think of the Flat tax like a sales tax. You buy a magazine, you're paying taxes. Ten-penny nails, taxed. Jewlery, cars, houses, toilet paper, kitty cats, medicated shoes, and egyptian cotton linens, all taxed. Before you say "You chop, we're going to be paying even more taxes than before!" Consider this; if we use this system, you only pay the amount of tax that you can afford. No percentage, only what your income will allow. Gentle, monetarily challenged Joe won't pay much in taxes because he can't afford a new Escalade. Wealthy venture capitalist Milton Pennybagger will pay his share because he naturally spends more money than Joe. Someone working off the grid, never paid income tax because he works for straight cash money, will now lose his loophole and be forced to pay taxes (but only if he wants to LIVE...sorry, little carried away). Everyone will pay their fair share. No bucking the system, no donating junk cars to charity for a deduction, heck, no deductions at all, just good old Flat tax paying for the things we love. How could anyone be opposed to this? They couldn't, plain and simple, if they do...they're a communist, and don't think we don't know who you are, because we do (double negative used to confuse the socialists, and infuriate my old english teacher, who coincidently, may be a communist). So there it is America, your salvation from taxes. Now, go and call your tax fattened government representative and drop the word on him. Until next time...stay clean.

After much thought and soul searching....

Hello all three of you. I know it's been a while since my last post, sadly enough, it's because I don't care. Recent events have caused me to re-evaluate my position on many issues: life, money, and various other social-political stances. After all of this re-examination I've decided that all this time I've been ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Yep, no lie. I've looked at every possible angle, and turns out I've been right all along. That being said, you should change your views to match mine, if any of your views differ from mine in any way, change them now. Moving on. Yesterday President Bush nominated John Roberts as the next Supreme Court Justice. Already there are whines and moans from the other side of the isle. "He's against abortion", they say, "He's not mainstream", "He eats red meat", and "He doesn't think the TV show Friends is funny." All concerns, yes, but I pose this question...who cares? Really. Lets say that this afternoon, every Justice on the bench retires. In their place the president nominates, and the Senate confirms, the following people to the bench:

Mr. T
The Unibomber
Little Richard
Saddam Hussein
Rosie O'Donnell
Darth Vader
&
Hilary Clinton

Their first day of the job is a busy one. They outlaw cars with four wheels, make air travel illegal (think that was Mr. T's doing), change the legal drinking age to 8, outlaw heterosexual marriage, ban antibiotics, and determine that we've all been interpreting the 2nd ammendment all wrong. They decided that instead of "the right to keep and bear arms" the actual meaning is "the right to keep bear arms." Upon this decision they order a mass bear killing to support their "Guns for Bear arms" trades, happening all over the country.

Now, these changes are to take effect immediately. How many of you would actually follow through with them? Hang on, let me re-phrase that. How many of you, being of sound mind, would actually follow through with them? Uh-huh, thought so, not a single one. My point is this, what is one man, sitting on a bench, going to do to us. Now before I get tons (two) of emails telling me "Well what about Roe v Wade?" or "What about the new eminent domain thingy?" I say this. If you decide to kill a baby, you won't be answering to the supreme court. And I live in a fairly remote area, the government wouldn't have any use for my land, so I don't care. What I do care about is the amount of resources our government is gearing up to expend on confirming the new justice. Let me see, we're in the middle of a war, there are diseases that haven't been cured (got a theory on that one too, watch for it soon), people going hungry (I'm not talking about bums here, those lazy slobs can work for food), and what amounts to an invasion of illegal immigrants. Where does questioning a squeaky clean lawyer rank on that list? I understand that politics involves quite a bit of pandering, wheel spinning, and ultimately B.S.ing, but really, I'm completely worn out by it. We need my 10th grade english teacher in DC. Anytime our congressmen/women start the tomfoolery, she'll come by and verbally assail them until they either go insane or get back to work, both work for me. Ok, I'm out.

Peace...through superior firepower.

Me

Finally, a state that won't make fun of my accent.

This coming Friday I'm off to the great state of North Carolina. Home of the Tarheels, the Demon Deacons, some trees, um, and some ocean frontage. Sounds pretty good. It's an upgrade from the past two states I've visited. It's a whirlwind tour of NC, fly in Friday morning, fly out Saturday evening. The problem is this...my flight leaves at 6:50 AM. Even if I lived next door to the airport I'd still have a hard time getting there in time, and I don't live anywhere near there. Lucky me, I live about two and a half hours from DFW. Factor in at least an hour to make it through the security checks (I'm not complaining), I'm looking at having to wake up at 2:00 AM to make it there on time. Why have a flight at 6:50? Who needs to be anywhere at that time? Why not just say 7:00...it sounds so much later. At least give me the illusion that I'm not going to have to wake up at the crack of dawn. I'm in for a long day when I do arrive in NC...long night, and not a good long night, a night of work. On a positive note, no one there will notice my Texas drawl. I've talked on the phone with Carolinans(?) and have found that they sound more backwoods than I do. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I tend to trust people who take longer to say something, makes me feel like they're not trying to slip something in on me. Fast talking just doesn't do it for me, I think english is the language for slow talking people. Look at spanish. That language is spoken at mach 10, I took four years of it, and I can't understand anything a spanish person tells me. Just too fast. Anyway...worthless post here. Just felt like I should throw some junk on here. Mission Accomplished. Later.

"American" Civil Liberties Union?

I've never been a big fan of the ACLU. I guess they just always seemed like such whiners. Then I discovered something in their history (and current mission statement?) that I found most interesting, and disturbing. Take a look at what their co-founder had to say:

"I am for socialism, disarmament, and ultimately, for abolishing the state itself as an instrument of violence and compulsion. I seek social ownership of property, the abolition of the properties class, and sole control of those who produce wealth. Communism is the goal. It all sums up into one single purpose -- the abolition of dog-eat-dog under which we live. I don't regret being part of the communist tactic. I knew what I was doing. I was not an innocent liberal. I wanted what the communists wanted and I traveled the United Front road to get it."

Hmmm. Could just be me, but that doesn't sound too American, does it? Sounds like something a raving pinko commie would say. Personally, I'm not a big fan of communism. Something about the state owning everything and the individual owning nothing just doesn't appeal to me. We have places for people who like that lifestyle, they're called prisons. No lie. Commit a felony if you don't' believe me. They'll put you up in a state owned room, serve you state owned meals, and allow you to use the state owned toilets. Communism at its finest. But I digress. We've established that the ACLU was founded by communists. Now let's take a look at their latest crusade; Abu Gharib prison. Of course, this is the prison where the "abuse" by some of our military servicemen/women occurred. Evidently having the U.S. military dragged through the mud by the media over, and over, and over again just won't cut it for the ACLU. They're filing lawsuits forcing the release of other pictures and documents from Abu Gharib. My question to them is, what's the point? The people responsible have been brought out into the open. Most have been punished. Let it rest, let it go. If that's all you can find to complain about get a life. After all, this "abuse" amounted to the same sort of thing that happens during every fraternity rush at every university in America. Someone was naked and made fun of. Someone had to dress like a woman. Someone had to wear a leash. I'm not a big fan of wearing a leash myself, but some people pay good money for it. It's also important to keep in mind that these people were responsible for killing our people and our allies. Evidently wearing a nice little purple number is far, far worse than someone being beheaded. I'll break the ACLU's thinking down a little further for you:

Killing people < Liberating millions
Beheading contractors < Pointing at a naked prisoner

Odd. Common sense tells me that this should be exactly opposite. Which leads me to believe that either:
A. The ACLU has no common sense.
B. The ACLU, being a communist organization, is out to whine until it gets it's way.
C. The ACLU cares more for our enemies than it does for us.
D. The ACLU stole my old Metallica Black album.
E. All of the above (except D, I don't think commies listen to Metallica).

Ok, think that's all for today. Enjoy the weekend, and don't go pointing at any naked prisoners (Trav...this means you).

"..And now, give a big Senate Floor welcome to Metallica"

Not too long ago I listened to music, but never really listened to the music. I didn't listen to the musicians either. In retrospect, it was probably better that way, because as I've found, some musicians can be idiots.

It seems like there's an ever increasing number of musicians and actors/actresses that are trying to put in their two cents on the political scene. My question is this: Why do they think they're qualified to speak out on anything other than music/acting? I don't go to a plumber to get financial advice, and conversely, I don't ask a financial advisor how to unclog a sink. It just wouldn't make sense. Everyone knows that the ego's in Hollywood are, well, slightly inflated. I think that's where this whole trend started. Someone got a little big for their britches. While sitting in their 25,000 square foot mansion they decided that America needed to know how they felt. Why wouldn't we? We're paying them millions to pretend, logically we desperately need to know who they're going to vote for. Right? Wrong. I don't know any Rock and Roll hall of famers, or anyone who's made a multi-million dollar film personally, but judging by the media there are some pretty immoral, irresponsible people in the entertainment industry. Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, 15 minute marriages, and a varitable cornucopia of other run-ins with the law seem to be the norm. Granted, they are American citizens, and they do have the right to voice their opinions, and vote for whomever they please (unless they've commited a felony...no voting for them), what really stews my bean is why anyone would actually listen to them. Why people? What makes us think that they know anything more than we do? Maybe in between films and concerts they're studying political science? No, maybe they've got a direct line into Washinton, they're privvy to classified information that we don't have? No, maybe they're just a load of pompous windbags that think we'll listen to them because we "love" them. Bingo. Sadly enough plenty of people do listen to them. People my age have grown up watching hours and hours of TV, it's become the loud Uncle. You know what I'm talking about. The one uncle that's always telling dirty jokes, always teaching you a new bad word, always fooling you into pulling his finger. We've gotten to the point that if we see it on TV, it's gospel. It has to be true. Thus anyone that's been on TV has to be trustworthy. Hopefully we'll see a paradigm shift in the near future. The youth (and some of our elders) will start listening to people who actually know politics. But that's a slippery slope too. Define 'know politics'. But that's another story. Moral of this story, don't be an idiot...and if you can't help but be an idiot, don't talk, and for heavens sake don't vote.

Devious Interference

Hello all. I've just returned from a riveting jaunt through the local shops here in town. Why? Chocolate frozen yogurt. Yes. That is the sole reason I left the house. It's been raining for two straight days, so I was more than content sitting here at the house, but the prospect of chocolate in frozen form was more than I could handle. You may be saying "What is this? Who cares? Where's the beef?" I'm getting to it. Wait for it. Ok.

Whilst walking through one of these stores (full of 'home decor', rustic type things, manly things I assure you) I was drawn to something. I couldn't explain it. It was a clock, it had a fish on it. At that moment I knew I must own it. The sign outside said 25% off everything, so I'm thinking I can get this thing for about ten bucks, it was huge, so logically it exceeded my $4.00 clock price maximum. I look for a price tag to no avail. So I asked the shopkeep. She informs me that it's ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS. It's a clock. It does nothing but tell time. There is no way on God's green Earth that I would pay that for something that has a single, albeit important, purpose. I walk away, sure that I'm the only intelligent person in the shop. The only person smart enough to not give into this madness. Across the room I see two guys whipping out credit cards. I was completely confused. These were men...buying lamps? Ugly lamps at that, they had some frilly bead things hanging off of them. Then I noticed one had a purse (I know there's another name for it, european handbag or something, but really, lets call a spade a spade). It hit me. These two guys weren't near as straight as I am, in fact, they may not be straight at all. For some reason my patented Gaydar hadn't registered a thing. I stood motionless, frightened at the prospect of a life without Gaydar. I noticed a soft music playing in the background, it was John Mayer. That was it...the store was running Gaydar interference. It was devious. It clouded the mind. I knew something was wrong the moment I walked in. Something in the back of my mind said "Oooh, 25% off" and "Look at that tea cozy". Thoughts that had never graced my mind. This store wasn't satisfied catering to only women and gay men, they were drawing in the straight men as well. Like I said, devious. I knew I had to get out of there, my straightness could only withstand so much John Mayer and scented candles. But...just....can't...leave...need to...spend...money. NO. There's nothing here for me. Nothing. Or was there? I couldn't be sure. Nothing made sense. Up was down, north was south, John Mayer wasn't as gay as I once thought, was he?

The story doesn't end there, I wish it had. Good news is that I made it out alive, and still batting for team Hetero. Bad news is that I walked out of there with a $200.00 set of Moose antlers. Before you judge, take this into consideration: someone had to kill that moose to get those antlers, and thats just manly enough to not be gay.

Breaking Scientific News

In exactly one week I will be another year older. Doesn't seem like it's been a year, but I've got a theory about that. You see, I believe that time spent in front of a computer goes double time. Something about a flat panel monitor bends the space-time fabric, makes an hour feel like a half-hour. Hard to substantiate? Yes. So in the intrest of science I'm going to perform a study, the whole theory looks a little something like this:

Lets say that the average human male lifespan is, oh, 77 years. According to my theory those 77 years would actually feel more like 38.5. Knowing that, my life span should extend to 154 years, double what it should be. The more pressing question is this...if that theory holds true, does it not stand to reason that the 154 years would also seem like less time, thus doubling the life expectancy again? Could this not continue infinitely?

I know what you're thinking..."Sweet fancy Moses! That brilliant, sexy, unbelieveable wordsmith/genius has stumbled upon the fountain of youth!" To that I say...guilty as charged. It just came to me, no degree from Stanford, no apprenticeship with Stephen Hawking, no Atkins Dieting...just sheer and complete genius. I've already performed preliminary testing on male chimpanzee's with LCD televisions...the results are astounding. Not only did they live longer, but they also gained the ability to block out the vocal sound wavelength of the female chimpanzee or "angry noise" as we grew to call it. This split our camp in twain. Half of the scientists stood firm in the belief that the LCD screen itself was the source of the life lengthening; the other half now believes that it is the chimps new found ability to block out "angry noise" that did the trick. Both sides could be right, it's just too early to tell. One thing is certain, the results of this experiment will likely change the lives of every male chimpanzee, and human, forever.

"I'm, like, a total non-conformist...turn on the Mtv"

It happened sooner than I thought. Can't say I didn't see it coming, it's been a slow going process. I've grown jaded. No doubt about it. As I sat in my hotel last week, bored, I flipped on the TV. Unfortunately I've got 17 channels to choose from, two Mtv's, a VH1, as well as the standard assortment of local channels. I'm 22, plenty young enough to watch a little Mtv. I dial it in and kick back. Immediately something catches my eye, some guy standing there in an Anarchy t-shirt. This started a late night think tank in my Holiday Inn Express hotel room. Define Irony: A teenage boy wearing an Anarchy t-shirt on the channel that touts it's "non-conformity"stance, all the while causing hundreds of thousands of kids to conform to their non-conformist way of thinking. Confused? Stay with me on this. Picture young Jimmy. He's a skater that listens to Green Day, thinks Che Guevarra was an anarchist (he wasn't, he was communist), and wears his black anarchist shirt to stick it to the man. He's a self proclaimed non-conformist, yet by listening to Green Day and wearing his Anarchy shirt he's conformed on oh so many levels (I didn't forget the Che Guevarra thing...anyone who wears a shirt without knowing whats on it and what it stands for is an idiot, but thats another story). The problem is that human beings are almost completely incapable of being non-conformist. We want to conform, we need to conform...because we need to belong to something. Some join a bowling league, some join a book club, some claim to be non-conformists. I don't really have a beef with them I suppose, though I disagree with everything they believe (the whole "let man govern himself, we don't need no stinkin government" thing...yeah right), I guess I just wish they would call themselves the name they used to go by...Punk. Thats right, anyone who lived in the late eighties/early nineties knows what I'm talking about. Anyone who listened to Rancid was Punk. They didn't have Che Guevarra T-shirts, they just thought that by dressing like cadavers and putting metal studs where they don't belong they could be different, and they were. Then they tried to apply some sort of message or mission statement with it, and it all went down the toilet. I think my point is this, if you really want to be a "non-conformist" don't wear an anarchy t-shirt, in fact, don't wear a shirt at all. Shave your head and tatoo a big L on it, wear a kilt, paint your toenails hunter orange, and listen to Perry Como. I'll bet everything I own that there won't be another person like you on this earth. Don't want to do that? Then quit with the "I'm so different, look at me" bull. It's ok to be different, most of the time, but you nullify your non-conformist stance by wanting people to look at you. I think that about does it. I'm not sure it all makes sense, sort of came out like a stream of consciousness. Any questions can be forwarded to the "Adopt a washed up hippie/confused non-conformist Foundation (AWUHCNCF for short). Until next time...

North Bound

Just thought I'd drop in and make a quick post, trying to keep up my "post a month" status you know. Early tomorrow morning I'm bound for the great white north...Michigan. Now, normally visiting Michigan in the spring would be nice. A decent 60 degrees. Weather forcast for my stay? 30-50 degrees at best, windy, cloudy, and a chance of rain/snow. Cold weather and I don't get along well, I live in Texas, if it gets down to 50 we're starting a fire. So, my suitcase looks like I'm going on an Antarctic voyage (still haven't decided whether I'm taking the Thermal Underwear).

Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I cannot post without stating an opinion about something. The target of my disdain this evening...telemarketers. I know they need a job, probably have families and bills and blah blah blah. But honestly, do I need someone to call me every night to fill me in on the benefits of satellite television? I'm sure it's great. Clear picture, 150 sports channels and all the Home Shopping Network your checkbook can stand, but crap, if I've turned you down fifteen days in a row, what makes you think I'm going to give in now? If I was giving in, I'd have done it thirteen days ago. Whats worse is that they're calling me with a recording now. It's one thing to be mentally assailed by a live human being, you get the tactile pleasure of hanging up on someone, thinking you ruined their evening in the same way they did yours. But a machine, it has no feelings, it just dials the next poor chump. I only hope that those recordings don't record what I'm saying to them. I'm pretty sure if those tapes got out it would ruin my chances at running for Governor of Texas. Along the same lines, I've started accrueing an unusual amount of junk mail. Piles of it. Credit cards, magazines, SATELLITE TV ads, people asking for donations, and the list goes on and on. I have enough credit cards, ask my bank if you don't believe me. I don't subscribe to magazines anymore, because for every fifty pages I pay for, forty-five of them are ads. I wouldn't mind having satellite TV, but if I gave in now I could never look at myself in the mirror again. And I do donate money, every two weeks, lots of it. A large portion of my salary goes to Joe Dontwannajob so that he can buy the good beer and afford a new hood for his '83 Firebird. If all that wasn't enough, I get even more crap in my email. Though these ads are a bit saltier, and a bit insulting. I mean, one male enhancement pill ad I can handle, but sixty a day? Makes me think someones been talking...and I'll find you. I was sure that the worst was over though. These foul temptresses of the advertising world had infiltrated every medium in my life...except one. My cell phone had remained pure, until yesterday. I picked up the phone and SatPro TV service began whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I sat there, nonplussed, and simply said "Ah SatPro recording, we meet again."

The State of Confusion

Ok, I know I haven't updated in a while, but who cares, no one's reading this garbage anyway. Moving on. I felt compelled to post about my last business trip. About a week of pure confusion in the state of Iowa. Now Iowa, in and of itself, is not a mysterious place. They've got corn. No real mystique there...or so I thought. The story goes a little something like this (cue flashback music)-

I drive to DFW airport, board a shoe-box size plane, fly to Des Moines. Upon arrival we go into the "facility" to do some work and meet up with our liaisons. Our contacts are...well...a bit odd. One is curiously quiet, the other is an Uncle Jessie look-a-like (Dukes of Hazzard, not Full House). He's got bib overalls, floppy leather hat, long grey beard, the whole works. We begin our work, and it's blatantly obvious that Uncle Jessie is a bit off. He's throwing an uncomfortable number of winks at me and my co-worker. I shrug it off. Break time rolls around and U.J. (abbreviated) starts showing us pictures of his mud bogging truck. An unmistakably MANLY sport. Horsepower, mud, high decibels, the perfect manly venture. He proceeds to talk about good looking women, yet again, very heterosexual. Break time is over, we get back to work. One of U.J.'s co-workers comes in and tells us to watch ourselves around old U.J., that he's a self proclaimed "Try-sexual". If you don't know what that means, it means he likes girls, guys, cows, Chevrolets, and potted plants. This blows my mind completely. Here we have the un-gayest looking/sounding/acting guy I've ever seen. This begins the oddities. We leave, and I notice that mid-grade gas is ten cents cheaper than regular....do whaaaa? Then we see Dakotas, a bizzaro world Hooters. Same food, same atmosphere, ugly waitresses. This opened my eyes to the fact that I hadn't seen one good looking lady the whole time. Not that it would have mattered, no one there talked. They just sat there, staring into space. Better than 75% of them anyway. They all just seemed so beaten down, which isn't odd I suppose, just the sheer number of beaten down individuals threw me. I finally saw a great looking girl in the weirdest of places...inside the greasy, dark, dank facility where I was working. I got a BLT that didn't come with Mayo, was asked whether I wanted hot tea or Iced tea (I'm from TX, that's weird), was asked if I lost a cat at the hotel (three times), had the worst $10.00 hamburger on planet Earth, and heard the F bomb more times in three days than I have in 22 years. Whew. What have I learned? I've learned that Iowa and it's residents are an enigma.....and they have corn. Thank the good Lord above I live in Texas. Do we have rednecks? Yes. Major weather swings? Yes. Trailer parks? Yes. Some of the most scandalous women in the world? Yes. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. Iowa? With luck I'll never have to venture back, my mind can't handle another round with Uncle Jessie.

If Crazy Had A Smell

Odd title. But it isn't quite complete. The full title should be "If crazy had a smell, one classroom at Colorado University would be the most odiferous place on planet Earth." For those of you that don't catch the news regularly there's a "Professor" at CU named Ward Churchill that has made quite a few controversial statements about the attacks on 9/11. Stating that the people who perished during those heinous attacks were "little Nazi's", for instance. That's just the beginning, I can't post it all, lest I be infected by the raving lunacy he's spouted. He's part of an American Indian movement, but I'm not sure that's relevant to this post. I sat tonight, flipping through the channels, until I came to C-SPAN. Evidently they've decided to deviate from their normally riveting coverage of city council meetings and British parliamentary proceedings to air Mr. Churchill's latest load of steaming insanity. I sat and listened to about thirty minutes of it. The topics ranged from the "crooked" purchase of Manhattan Island from the American Indians to the current situation in Iraq. According to what I gathered (I didn't pick it all up, I don't speak crazy as well as I used to) Anglo's living in North American from 1776 to present are single-handedly responsible for any and all violence in the world. If we weren't physically in a war with someone, we supplied weapons for it, or sanctions. Now, I don't know about Americans prior to 1982, I wasn't here, I can't vouch for them, but I'm certain that I've never killed anyone from overseas, and I've never provided anyone with weapons. I tried sanctioning Belgium at one time, but gave up soon after (their waffles are too damn tasty). His philosophy is that every American is guilty of something. Why? We pay taxes. That's right, you and I pay taxes. By paying taxes we're enabling the government (evidently he's never paid taxes, not sure how he pulled that off). Now I'm not going to get into what our tax dollars do for us, law enforcement and highways are a couple, but when I Uncle Sam takes his cut from my check I don't think he's turning it around and pouring it into the "Napalm Everyone But Us" foundation. I sat and listened to him basically state that during World War II we were the only country that killed anyone. Yep, that's us, the Germans and Japanese occupied all those other countries with only the dreaded Wet-Willy and the feared Atomic Wedgie, no killing for them. Oh, and Iraq? Why our sanctions caused countless deaths in the 90's. Wasn't Saddam's fault, he was sanctioned dammit! He had to scrounge every penny to air condition his numerous palaces and keep the vending machines in his torture chambers stocked. Once I heard his spill I realized that I'd been missing out. Everyone else in America has been wrecking havoc all over the world...What have I done? Feeling left out I found the nearest cat and punted it across the street, nobody's going to say I'm not doing my part. All joking aside, this guy is for real. I drew blood pinching myself during his speech, trying desperately to wake up. No such luck. I know we have "Free Speech" in America, that it's one of our inalienable rights, but can't we make an exception? Just this once. Or maybe deport him. He seems to be a big fan of the rest of the world, give him a one way ticket to anywhere but here and let him peddle crazy somewhere else. Sadly enough, he had an audience. Sadder still is that they clapped for him. This means that there are other idiots of his caliber roaming the streets somewhere, beating some poor, unsuspecting soul down with the same nonsense. So if someone, other than the usual Democrat or Green party affiliate, comes up to you and tells you that America is the source of all the worlds ills, just back away slowly and contact your nearest Republican for de-crazification.