THE DAILY SCUTTLEBUTT
A DIVISION OF "MONKEY SPANK GAZETTE" OCT.2
LA SALLE'S DEATH
by Coleman and Annie
Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered allegedly by the members of his crew yesterday. LaSalle, the leader of the expedition to the "new world" was supposedly very difficult to get along with and his journey to the "new world" was failing. LaSalle was killed in the "new world" and the expedition will not continue to try and conquer the "new world" for France. The members of the expedition will return home in a few months. Our respects to LaSalle's family.
HUMAN INTEREST: THE WIFE DID IT
by Kimmy
Rumor has it LaSalle's wife Sasha set up the murder of Sir LaSalle, her husband of 15 years. Supposedly she secretly called a silent murderer. He told her exactly what he would do. Right away she hired him for 500 francs. Which is an extraordinary price at these times. His wife did not shed a tear at the funeral because she felt fortunate that he died. I also heard she was having an affair with a servent named Fabio. Fabio told her to kill her husband, so she had him killed. Now they are getting married and will live happily ever after.
EDITORIAL: LASALLE'S MURDER
by Sheena
In my opinion, LaSalle's murder wsa brought upon by himsef [sic]. His actions, attitude, and personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality of LaSalle made him very inable to get along with. In his young childhood LaSalle had a great spiritual religion, but soon that all ended. Though LaSalle was couragous and heroic many members of his crew found him abrupt and demanding. Therefore, they killed him.
OBITUARIES
by Coleman
A DIVISION OF "MONKEY SPANK GAZETTE" OCT.2
LA SALLE'S DEATH
by Coleman and Annie
Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered allegedly by the members of his crew yesterday. LaSalle, the leader of the expedition to the "new world" was supposedly very difficult to get along with and his journey to the "new world" was failing. LaSalle was killed in the "new world" and the expedition will not continue to try and conquer the "new world" for France. The members of the expedition will return home in a few months. Our respects to LaSalle's family.
HUMAN INTEREST: THE WIFE DID IT
by Kimmy
Rumor has it LaSalle's wife Sasha set up the murder of Sir LaSalle, her husband of 15 years. Supposedly she secretly called a silent murderer. He told her exactly what he would do. Right away she hired him for 500 francs. Which is an extraordinary price at these times. His wife did not shed a tear at the funeral because she felt fortunate that he died. I also heard she was having an affair with a servent named Fabio. Fabio told her to kill her husband, so she had him killed. Now they are getting married and will live happily ever after.
EDITORIAL: LASALLE'S MURDER
by Sheena
In my opinion, LaSalle's murder wsa brought upon by himsef [sic]. His actions, attitude, and personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality of LaSalle made him very inable to get along with. In his young childhood LaSalle had a great spiritual religion, but soon that all ended. Though LaSalle was couragous and heroic many members of his crew found him abrupt and demanding. Therefore, they killed him.
OBITUARIES
by Coleman
Sir Beavis Mercedes
Died of blow to head by wife. Funeral tomorrow 8:00 at Monkey Funeral home.
Robert Rene Cavalier LaSalle
Died of the following- Arrows, knife, severe blows to melon and broken bones.
Madame Monkey de Spank
Died of natural causes.
Died of blow to head by wife. Funeral tomorrow 8:00 at Monkey Funeral home.
Robert Rene Cavalier LaSalle
Died of the following- Arrows, knife, severe blows to melon and broken bones.
Madame Monkey de Spank
Died of natural causes.
SPORTS
by Coleman
Football: Last night, the Cowboys went against the Chiefs in a grueling battle. The game was full action! It was by far the best game of all season! There was also a variety of penalties among the worst was in the 4th quarter, Joe Monktana speared Emmit Spank. The final score was 7-9 and the Cowboys take the win.
Baseball: Strike
Water Polo: Creek Dried Up
Ice Hockey: No ice yet
Basketball: No air for ball.
Boxing: Mike Monkey vs. Evender Spank. The fight was delayed by stampeding herd of bull.
Fishing: Delayed by lack of worms.
CLASSIFIED ADS
by Everyone
Subscribe to the Monkey Spank Gazette for only 50 francs for the rest of your life! Yell now! 1-800-SPANK-5
Tired of your kids? Good. Well we have the think for you! Genuine corn cob monkey. Yell now and get a free monkey spank!
Hurry! Hurry! The Spare Parts Store is having a sale! Arms 5 francs! Come on in and browse! 1519 Dirt Walk
Hakeems Wonders, Thingamabobs! If you want a thingamabob well we've got em'. All at a rebate price! Come now! Hakeem Blvd.
Scrolls by Bob is having a clearance sale! All scrolls 50% off.
Wanted: One good hearted woman to forgive imperfection to the man that she loves. By Alan Jackson. Yell Now.
FEATURE:
THE EFFECTS OF LASALLES EXPEDITION
by Annie
Though Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered by the members of his own expedition, the results of his journey were very beneficial towards France. Many people gossip about LaSalles journey, saing that it did absolutely nothing for France, when in fact, it did alot.
First of all, the French have already made plans to trade with the Indians LaSalle met along the way. Though there has been much controversy, we French now have claim on this "new world" also. Lastly, Lasalles exploits have forced the spanish to change the French policy towards France. As you can see, on this day of mourning, the flags will fly at half mast, the people of France will walk the streets in black, and dark curtains will be drawn in all windows, because LaSalle, one of the greatest Frenchmen ever to live, has died.
THE END
Well. Did you spot the faux pas? Sadly, this made it out into the student population before the slip up was noticed. It scarred a whole generation of newspaper readers (could be responsible for the amazing success of web based news sites...you're welcome). Keep in mind, these were the days before cable ran rampant through rural America. I (we) honestly didn't know what that phrase meant. I can look back now and realize why the school administration frowned on having this particular publication circulated throughout the entire Junior High School. Hey, live and learn. Hope you enjoyed this little piece, don't look for any follow ups. Too much innuendo, too many mispelled words, not to mention the terrible grammar, misplaced words, plot holes, and a major lack of tact. My writing has been refined. To my compatriots who wrote this piece with me, but dodged any recoil from this piece...thanks. To Mrs. Martin: Sorry, if I only knew then what I know now....
by Coleman
Football: Last night, the Cowboys went against the Chiefs in a grueling battle. The game was full action! It was by far the best game of all season! There was also a variety of penalties among the worst was in the 4th quarter, Joe Monktana speared Emmit Spank. The final score was 7-9 and the Cowboys take the win.
Baseball: Strike
Water Polo: Creek Dried Up
Ice Hockey: No ice yet
Basketball: No air for ball.
Boxing: Mike Monkey vs. Evender Spank. The fight was delayed by stampeding herd of bull.
Fishing: Delayed by lack of worms.
CLASSIFIED ADS
by Everyone
Subscribe to the Monkey Spank Gazette for only 50 francs for the rest of your life! Yell now! 1-800-SPANK-5
Tired of your kids? Good. Well we have the think for you! Genuine corn cob monkey. Yell now and get a free monkey spank!
Hurry! Hurry! The Spare Parts Store is having a sale! Arms 5 francs! Come on in and browse! 1519 Dirt Walk
Hakeems Wonders, Thingamabobs! If you want a thingamabob well we've got em'. All at a rebate price! Come now! Hakeem Blvd.
Scrolls by Bob is having a clearance sale! All scrolls 50% off.
Wanted: One good hearted woman to forgive imperfection to the man that she loves. By Alan Jackson. Yell Now.
FEATURE:
THE EFFECTS OF LASALLES EXPEDITION
by Annie
Though Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered by the members of his own expedition, the results of his journey were very beneficial towards France. Many people gossip about LaSalles journey, saing that it did absolutely nothing for France, when in fact, it did alot.
First of all, the French have already made plans to trade with the Indians LaSalle met along the way. Though there has been much controversy, we French now have claim on this "new world" also. Lastly, Lasalles exploits have forced the spanish to change the French policy towards France. As you can see, on this day of mourning, the flags will fly at half mast, the people of France will walk the streets in black, and dark curtains will be drawn in all windows, because LaSalle, one of the greatest Frenchmen ever to live, has died.
THE END
Well. Did you spot the faux pas? Sadly, this made it out into the student population before the slip up was noticed. It scarred a whole generation of newspaper readers (could be responsible for the amazing success of web based news sites...you're welcome). Keep in mind, these were the days before cable ran rampant through rural America. I (we) honestly didn't know what that phrase meant. I can look back now and realize why the school administration frowned on having this particular publication circulated throughout the entire Junior High School. Hey, live and learn. Hope you enjoyed this little piece, don't look for any follow ups. Too much innuendo, too many mispelled words, not to mention the terrible grammar, misplaced words, plot holes, and a major lack of tact. My writing has been refined. To my compatriots who wrote this piece with me, but dodged any recoil from this piece...thanks. To Mrs. Martin: Sorry, if I only knew then what I know now....
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