Bring on the Detox Poncho

I've never done smack. Never had any ice, crank, crack, blow, white rabbit, mexican red-hair, angel dust, boom, pow, ex, or sweet lady H. All in all, I'm a pretty clean guy, don't have too many addictions. Apparently, I am addicted to that sweet southern cash crop otherwise known as tobacco. I've decided to quit. I've decided that at least five times before, but this time I mean it. I went and spent thirty bucks on a package of nicotine gum, threw out any tobacco products that might tempt me, and I've gone one solid day without my poison of choice. You never know how much you need it until it's gone. As the day progressed, I grew more and more tired. My stomach ached, my head pounded, my heart raced. If someone had come up to me and said "I'll give you some sweet sweet tobacco if you'll beat up that kindly old lady" I would have looked like Mike Tyson in a street fight. Wouldn't have fought fair either. It's almost nine o'clock, and it feels like I've been up for days. They say if you can go four days without it you're out of the woods. One day down, seventy two long, grueling hours to go. Problem is, I think I like the gum better now. Yeah. It's minty, it's fresh, and it supplies just enough nicotine to keep me on an even keel. No. NO. Must...fight...the...gum. I can't be sure, but I think tobacco companies make the gum. They have to. They're the sole supplier of nicotine, they hold all the cards. Oh it's a devious plan. Who would persecute someone with minty fresh breath and a mild buzz? No one, that's who. You can chew it virtually anywhere. School, work, with your girlfriend (if you have one), even, dare I say it, at church. Spanish III would have been quite a bit more enjoyable had I been chewing this wonder gum. Dammit. Listen to me. I knew I should have gotten the patch. I'm not exactly doing this thing cold turkey. I've got a four step phase out that seems to be working. It looks something like this:

1) Tobacco I like. (currently phased out)
2) Tobacco I don't like. (currently phasing out)
3) Gum that I love. (currently phasing in-expected use: 8-10 days)
4) Natures alternative wonder stimulant: Coffee/Caffeine (expected use: Several cups a day, forever).

Solid plan, I know. Though there have been mixed reviews on coffee in regards to it's health effects, I know several very old people who drink it by the gallons, so I'm pretty confident with it. For the most part, it's cheaper, and it's still allowed in most resturaunts (until the hippies have their way about it). So I'm on the road to recovery. I'm short tempered, tired, hungry, a little gassy, but for the most part I'm ok. Just have to follow the patented four step program and resist the urge to start random, completely uncalled for beatings and I'll be just fine. Consequently, should anyone see me involved in a completely uncalled for and random beating, speak to me in a soothing voice and get me some gum.