1 in 194481

At least I think that might be right. Could be 1 in 84, but the other sounds better. What am I talking about? Well I'll tell you. I'm in Dallas tonight...the little brother and I went out and grabbed some seafood (shrimp brochette rocks) and headed back here to the hotel. We got back to the room, checked the fantasy football scores, and watched some TV. I became parched, and after watching that video on the internet of the hotel cleaning woman wiping down the toilet, then wiping down the glasses in the room, I needed a canned drink. So off we went to the vending machine. I pumped A DOLLAR FIFTY into the machine and got nothing. Machine down. So we bounced to the fourth floor, same story. On to the seventh floor and was robbed again. Down to the sixth floor. SAME FREAKIN STORY. Now you may be asking yourself, why didn't you just stop at the first machine and go downstairs? Because time is money, that's why. It'd taken fifteen minutes to go down there, talk to the desk, get my money back, then get a coke. My time is worth more. However, my time is not worth more than six bucks, so I went down to the desk. Here's how that conversation went:

Me: Uh, yeah, I've been to four different coke machines here and have been robbed by each and every one.

Clerk: Which ones? (Looks at a list behind the counter)

Me: Well there was three, four, seven and six.

Clerk: Yep, you got them all. How much did you lose?

Me: I got them all? What are the freakin odds of that? Am I an idiot, did I miss the out of order signs? Six bucks.

Clerk: No, probably not. Ok, here's your money back. We're renovating. There's a good machine over there.

Me: Ok? Thanks.


My brother and I then searched for the "good machine", which was hidden down a labyrinth of halls in a car rental center. I paid a smooth Washington for a can of coke. It was at that point that we looked at the vending machine next to mine. It was the most confusing, and depressing, vending machine I've ever seen. Beneath the Cheese Danish they had...tampons. That's right. Two things that should absolutely, positively, never ever be in the same vending machine together were right there. I'm not sure what kind of twisted individual would stock a vending machine in such a manner, but that person is likely in prison (or soon will be). Shocked, we took a picture of it with our cell phones and left.

It wasn't until after we went back upstairs that I realized that the clerk actually had a list of broken machines. They knew four machines were down. I happened to find them all which is, in and of itself, rather amazing. I could play the lotto for a decade and never get four numbers. As swift and appropriate retribution my brother and I "tied up" their elevators. Next stop? Floors 1 through 21. I did feel slightly guilty when two older ladies stepped into one of the elevators we'd sabotaged, but hey, they looked like they might enjoy a thirty minute elevator ride. Probably have lots to talk about.