A Literary Genius is Born

Most of us remember a slip up or two that occured during our youth. I must confess that even I had my brief moments of misbehavior. I am about to bring to you the Junior High newspaper that shook the literary world (within 13 miles of my hometown). A paper with whose subtle inuendo landed yours truly in the principals office, and in the halls of Junior High Periodical greatness. This particular news print was written during my 7th grade year. Posting it via the blog will take away from it's ambiance (you're missing out on some quality hand drawn figures) but you'll get the point. See if you can spot what landed me in hot water. It does start off a little slow, as it was mostly a "historical" piece, however, there are bits of humor in it. The grammar and syntax have not been changed. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. Enjoy

THE DAILY SCUTTLEBUTT


A DIVISION OF "MONKEY SPANK GAZETTE" OCT.2

LA SALLE'S DEATH
by Coleman and Annie

Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered allegedly by the members of his crew yesterday. LaSalle, the leader of the expedition to the "new world" was supposedly very difficult to get along with and his journey to the "new world" was failing. LaSalle was killed in the "new world" and the expedition will not continue to try and conquer the "new world" for France. The members of the expedition will return home in a few months. Our respects to LaSalle's family.

HUMAN INTEREST: THE WIFE DID IT
by Kimmy

Rumor has it LaSalle's wife Sasha set up the murder of Sir LaSalle, her husband of 15 years. Supposedly she secretly called a silent murderer. He told her exactly what he would do. Right away she hired him for 500 francs. Which is an extraordinary price at these times. His wife did not shed a tear at the funeral because she felt fortunate that he died. I also heard she was having an affair with a servent named Fabio. Fabio told her to kill her husband, so she had him killed. Now they are getting married and will live happily ever after.

EDITORIAL: LASALLE'S MURDER
by Sheena

In my opinion, LaSalle's murder wsa brought upon by himsef [sic]. His actions, attitude, and personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality led him to become an enemy towards others. The personality of LaSalle made him very inable to get along with. In his young childhood LaSalle had a great spiritual religion, but soon that all ended. Though LaSalle was couragous and heroic many members of his crew found him abrupt and demanding. Therefore, they killed him.

OBITUARIES
by Coleman

Sir Beavis Mercedes
Died of blow to head by wife. Funeral tomorrow 8:00 at Monkey Funeral home.

Robert Rene Cavalier LaSalle
Died of the following- Arrows, knife, severe blows to melon and broken bones.

Madame Monkey de Spank
Died of natural causes.

SPORTS
by Coleman

Football: Last night, the Cowboys went against the Chiefs in a grueling battle. The game was full action! It was by far the best game of all season! There was also a variety of penalties among the worst was in the 4th quarter, Joe Monktana speared Emmit Spank. The final score was 7-9 and the Cowboys take the win.

Baseball: Strike
Water Polo: Creek Dried Up
Ice Hockey: No ice yet
Basketball: No air for ball.
Boxing: Mike Monkey vs. Evender Spank. The fight was delayed by stampeding herd of bull.
Fishing: Delayed by lack of worms.

CLASSIFIED ADS
by Everyone

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Hurry! Hurry! The Spare Parts Store is having a sale! Arms 5 francs! Come on in and browse! 1519 Dirt Walk

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Scrolls by Bob is having a clearance sale! All scrolls 50% off.

Wanted: One good hearted woman to forgive imperfection to the man that she loves. By Alan Jackson. Yell Now.

FEATURE:
THE EFFECTS OF LASALLES EXPEDITION
by Annie

Though Rene Robert Cavalier LaSalle was murdered by the members of his own expedition, the results of his journey were very beneficial towards France. Many people gossip about LaSalles journey, saing that it did absolutely nothing for France, when in fact, it did alot.
First of all, the French have already made plans to trade with the Indians LaSalle met along the way. Though there has been much controversy, we French now have claim on this "new world" also. Lastly, Lasalles exploits have forced the spanish to change the French policy towards France. As you can see, on this day of mourning, the flags will fly at half mast, the people of France will walk the streets in black, and dark curtains will be drawn in all windows, because LaSalle, one of the greatest Frenchmen ever to live, has died.

THE END


Well. Did you spot the faux pas? Sadly, this made it out into the student population before the slip up was noticed. It scarred a whole generation of newspaper readers (could be responsible for the amazing success of web based news sites...you're welcome). Keep in mind, these were the days before cable ran rampant through rural America. I (we) honestly didn't know what that phrase meant. I can look back now and realize why the school administration frowned on having this particular publication circulated throughout the entire Junior High School. Hey, live and learn. Hope you enjoyed this little piece, don't look for any follow ups. Too much innuendo, too many mispelled words, not to mention the terrible grammar, misplaced words, plot holes, and a major lack of tact. My writing has been refined. To my compatriots who wrote this piece with me, but dodged any recoil from this piece...thanks. To Mrs. Martin: Sorry, if I only knew then what I know now....

Correction

Just a note about the last picture post. The "ME" at the end of the post is not the answer to the question above it, it's a name for the person who posted the picture. Sorry mom, didn't mean to get your hopes up.

That sounded a little gay, so a little note about the above note. She wants me to get married and produce a small army of grandchildren, no matter the cost (or wife). Apparently, I'm too "picky". Ok, still sounds a little gay, but it's been explained, so drop it.

So I noticed that I hadn't posted any pictures in, oh, eight or nine months. I'm going to try to post a few more pictures on here (no, not all of them will be of me, so quit complaining). Here's my first installment, a deeply touching picture of my lab Moose and myself. Who needs a wife when you have companionship like this?
ME

Sometimes "Representation" isn't all that great either...

Four score and about three hundred years ago, our forefathers were fed up. Tired of paying outrageous taxes to the motherland...and for what? Nothing. A big sack full of it. So they decided that "taxation without representation" wasn't for them. Thus the Revolutionary War was started, and finished, and blah blah blah, here we are today. Now, the straw that broke the camels back for the early American Colonials was the Tea tax...if they only lived to see the 21st century, they'd call us all Benedict Arnolds. Look at what we, men and women of the land of the free, are paying in taxes every day. Let me spout off a few: Sales tax, Gasoline tax, Death tax, Marriage tax (isn't marriage taxing enough?), Excise tax, Corporate taxes, Property taxes, and let us not forget our old friend Income tax (Federal, State, and Local in some cases). That's a lot of tax, a regular boatload of taxation. Imagine if someone went back in time and told old Bennie Franklin that we were paying taxes to die. He'd spout off something wise, then waste us with a roundhouse to the face. We all know that we're paying taxes for something, and don't get me wrong, I like having roads, police, schools, military, a reliable infrastructure, and on occasion, government employees...but enough is enough. In this "ownership society" that we live in, we don't even have complete control over our paychecks. Before I see one red cent, good old Uncle Sam has taken me to the cleaners. I'm single, male, and employed full time, so I take the brunt of the reaming (you can thank me later for your childrens education). Sure, I could be dishonest and claim five dependents, I'm sure I could find five, but then I risk paying even more tax, in a lump sum at some point, or spending five to ten in a federal pen. Choices, choices. Now, I realize that taxes make the world go 'round, and I am by no means suggesting that we stop paying them, then raise up and create a system where all government employees are paid via the barter system, what I am suggesting is a change in the way that we pay those taxes. Lets take old Joe Blow. He's earning minimum wage, living in government housing, on medicare/medicaid, welfare, and he's still scraping up enough scratch to hit up the picture show on Friday night with his lady friend (yes, I said picture show...and lady friend). Now, other than inflation causing his check to mean less and less "bang for the buck" so to speak, he's paying wild taxes on his income. Before he has the check in hand he's lost a chunk of it to taxes. Then he goes and gasses up his T-Bird and pays 35 cents a gallon worth of tax on his gasoline (think about that when you're spending 50 bucks at the pump), then he steps inside and pays an exorbitant amount of tax on his smokes, by the time he walks away he's easily dropped 1/4th of his check on taxes in some form. Think that sounds way overblown? Don't like that number? I have that much taken out of every check before I have it in hand. So, what's the solution? Smaller government is a start, but the realistic fix would be to change what is taxed, and when. I give you the Flat tax. Now, I don't know what you've heard about it before, but forget it, unless it's what I'm going to say, then remember it and reinforce it. Check this out. Take our old buddy Joe Blow. Payday rolls around and here's his check. Not a dime taken out (except for what he's decided to put in his private Social Security account, of course) and he's off. He decides how much tax he's going to pay, because he decides what to buy. Think of the Flat tax like a sales tax. You buy a magazine, you're paying taxes. Ten-penny nails, taxed. Jewlery, cars, houses, toilet paper, kitty cats, medicated shoes, and egyptian cotton linens, all taxed. Before you say "You chop, we're going to be paying even more taxes than before!" Consider this; if we use this system, you only pay the amount of tax that you can afford. No percentage, only what your income will allow. Gentle, monetarily challenged Joe won't pay much in taxes because he can't afford a new Escalade. Wealthy venture capitalist Milton Pennybagger will pay his share because he naturally spends more money than Joe. Someone working off the grid, never paid income tax because he works for straight cash money, will now lose his loophole and be forced to pay taxes (but only if he wants to LIVE...sorry, little carried away). Everyone will pay their fair share. No bucking the system, no donating junk cars to charity for a deduction, heck, no deductions at all, just good old Flat tax paying for the things we love. How could anyone be opposed to this? They couldn't, plain and simple, if they do...they're a communist, and don't think we don't know who you are, because we do (double negative used to confuse the socialists, and infuriate my old english teacher, who coincidently, may be a communist). So there it is America, your salvation from taxes. Now, go and call your tax fattened government representative and drop the word on him. Until next time...stay clean.

After much thought and soul searching....

Hello all three of you. I know it's been a while since my last post, sadly enough, it's because I don't care. Recent events have caused me to re-evaluate my position on many issues: life, money, and various other social-political stances. After all of this re-examination I've decided that all this time I've been ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Yep, no lie. I've looked at every possible angle, and turns out I've been right all along. That being said, you should change your views to match mine, if any of your views differ from mine in any way, change them now. Moving on. Yesterday President Bush nominated John Roberts as the next Supreme Court Justice. Already there are whines and moans from the other side of the isle. "He's against abortion", they say, "He's not mainstream", "He eats red meat", and "He doesn't think the TV show Friends is funny." All concerns, yes, but I pose this question...who cares? Really. Lets say that this afternoon, every Justice on the bench retires. In their place the president nominates, and the Senate confirms, the following people to the bench:

Mr. T
The Unibomber
Little Richard
Saddam Hussein
Rosie O'Donnell
Darth Vader
&
Hilary Clinton

Their first day of the job is a busy one. They outlaw cars with four wheels, make air travel illegal (think that was Mr. T's doing), change the legal drinking age to 8, outlaw heterosexual marriage, ban antibiotics, and determine that we've all been interpreting the 2nd ammendment all wrong. They decided that instead of "the right to keep and bear arms" the actual meaning is "the right to keep bear arms." Upon this decision they order a mass bear killing to support their "Guns for Bear arms" trades, happening all over the country.

Now, these changes are to take effect immediately. How many of you would actually follow through with them? Hang on, let me re-phrase that. How many of you, being of sound mind, would actually follow through with them? Uh-huh, thought so, not a single one. My point is this, what is one man, sitting on a bench, going to do to us. Now before I get tons (two) of emails telling me "Well what about Roe v Wade?" or "What about the new eminent domain thingy?" I say this. If you decide to kill a baby, you won't be answering to the supreme court. And I live in a fairly remote area, the government wouldn't have any use for my land, so I don't care. What I do care about is the amount of resources our government is gearing up to expend on confirming the new justice. Let me see, we're in the middle of a war, there are diseases that haven't been cured (got a theory on that one too, watch for it soon), people going hungry (I'm not talking about bums here, those lazy slobs can work for food), and what amounts to an invasion of illegal immigrants. Where does questioning a squeaky clean lawyer rank on that list? I understand that politics involves quite a bit of pandering, wheel spinning, and ultimately B.S.ing, but really, I'm completely worn out by it. We need my 10th grade english teacher in DC. Anytime our congressmen/women start the tomfoolery, she'll come by and verbally assail them until they either go insane or get back to work, both work for me. Ok, I'm out.

Peace...through superior firepower.

Me

Finally, a state that won't make fun of my accent.

This coming Friday I'm off to the great state of North Carolina. Home of the Tarheels, the Demon Deacons, some trees, um, and some ocean frontage. Sounds pretty good. It's an upgrade from the past two states I've visited. It's a whirlwind tour of NC, fly in Friday morning, fly out Saturday evening. The problem is this...my flight leaves at 6:50 AM. Even if I lived next door to the airport I'd still have a hard time getting there in time, and I don't live anywhere near there. Lucky me, I live about two and a half hours from DFW. Factor in at least an hour to make it through the security checks (I'm not complaining), I'm looking at having to wake up at 2:00 AM to make it there on time. Why have a flight at 6:50? Who needs to be anywhere at that time? Why not just say 7:00...it sounds so much later. At least give me the illusion that I'm not going to have to wake up at the crack of dawn. I'm in for a long day when I do arrive in NC...long night, and not a good long night, a night of work. On a positive note, no one there will notice my Texas drawl. I've talked on the phone with Carolinans(?) and have found that they sound more backwoods than I do. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I tend to trust people who take longer to say something, makes me feel like they're not trying to slip something in on me. Fast talking just doesn't do it for me, I think english is the language for slow talking people. Look at spanish. That language is spoken at mach 10, I took four years of it, and I can't understand anything a spanish person tells me. Just too fast. Anyway...worthless post here. Just felt like I should throw some junk on here. Mission Accomplished. Later.

"American" Civil Liberties Union?

I've never been a big fan of the ACLU. I guess they just always seemed like such whiners. Then I discovered something in their history (and current mission statement?) that I found most interesting, and disturbing. Take a look at what their co-founder had to say:

"I am for socialism, disarmament, and ultimately, for abolishing the state itself as an instrument of violence and compulsion. I seek social ownership of property, the abolition of the properties class, and sole control of those who produce wealth. Communism is the goal. It all sums up into one single purpose -- the abolition of dog-eat-dog under which we live. I don't regret being part of the communist tactic. I knew what I was doing. I was not an innocent liberal. I wanted what the communists wanted and I traveled the United Front road to get it."

Hmmm. Could just be me, but that doesn't sound too American, does it? Sounds like something a raving pinko commie would say. Personally, I'm not a big fan of communism. Something about the state owning everything and the individual owning nothing just doesn't appeal to me. We have places for people who like that lifestyle, they're called prisons. No lie. Commit a felony if you don't' believe me. They'll put you up in a state owned room, serve you state owned meals, and allow you to use the state owned toilets. Communism at its finest. But I digress. We've established that the ACLU was founded by communists. Now let's take a look at their latest crusade; Abu Gharib prison. Of course, this is the prison where the "abuse" by some of our military servicemen/women occurred. Evidently having the U.S. military dragged through the mud by the media over, and over, and over again just won't cut it for the ACLU. They're filing lawsuits forcing the release of other pictures and documents from Abu Gharib. My question to them is, what's the point? The people responsible have been brought out into the open. Most have been punished. Let it rest, let it go. If that's all you can find to complain about get a life. After all, this "abuse" amounted to the same sort of thing that happens during every fraternity rush at every university in America. Someone was naked and made fun of. Someone had to dress like a woman. Someone had to wear a leash. I'm not a big fan of wearing a leash myself, but some people pay good money for it. It's also important to keep in mind that these people were responsible for killing our people and our allies. Evidently wearing a nice little purple number is far, far worse than someone being beheaded. I'll break the ACLU's thinking down a little further for you:

Killing people < Liberating millions
Beheading contractors < Pointing at a naked prisoner

Odd. Common sense tells me that this should be exactly opposite. Which leads me to believe that either:
A. The ACLU has no common sense.
B. The ACLU, being a communist organization, is out to whine until it gets it's way.
C. The ACLU cares more for our enemies than it does for us.
D. The ACLU stole my old Metallica Black album.
E. All of the above (except D, I don't think commies listen to Metallica).

Ok, think that's all for today. Enjoy the weekend, and don't go pointing at any naked prisoners (Trav...this means you).