In exactly one week I will be another year older. Doesn't seem like it's been a year, but I've got a theory about that. You see, I believe that time spent in front of a computer goes double time. Something about a flat panel monitor bends the space-time fabric, makes an hour feel like a half-hour. Hard to substantiate? Yes. So in the intrest of science I'm going to perform a study, the whole theory looks a little something like this:
Lets say that the average human male lifespan is, oh, 77 years. According to my theory those 77 years would actually feel more like 38.5. Knowing that, my life span should extend to 154 years, double what it should be. The more pressing question is this...if that theory holds true, does it not stand to reason that the 154 years would also seem like less time, thus doubling the life expectancy again? Could this not continue infinitely?
I know what you're thinking..."Sweet fancy Moses! That brilliant, sexy, unbelieveable wordsmith/genius has stumbled upon the fountain of youth!" To that I say...guilty as charged. It just came to me, no degree from Stanford, no apprenticeship with Stephen Hawking, no Atkins Dieting...just sheer and complete genius. I've already performed preliminary testing on male chimpanzee's with LCD televisions...the results are astounding. Not only did they live longer, but they also gained the ability to block out the vocal sound wavelength of the female chimpanzee or "angry noise" as we grew to call it. This split our camp in twain. Half of the scientists stood firm in the belief that the LCD screen itself was the source of the life lengthening; the other half now believes that it is the chimps new found ability to block out "angry noise" that did the trick. Both sides could be right, it's just too early to tell. One thing is certain, the results of this experiment will likely change the lives of every male chimpanzee, and human, forever.
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