Devious Interference

Hello all. I've just returned from a riveting jaunt through the local shops here in town. Why? Chocolate frozen yogurt. Yes. That is the sole reason I left the house. It's been raining for two straight days, so I was more than content sitting here at the house, but the prospect of chocolate in frozen form was more than I could handle. You may be saying "What is this? Who cares? Where's the beef?" I'm getting to it. Wait for it. Ok.

Whilst walking through one of these stores (full of 'home decor', rustic type things, manly things I assure you) I was drawn to something. I couldn't explain it. It was a clock, it had a fish on it. At that moment I knew I must own it. The sign outside said 25% off everything, so I'm thinking I can get this thing for about ten bucks, it was huge, so logically it exceeded my $4.00 clock price maximum. I look for a price tag to no avail. So I asked the shopkeep. She informs me that it's ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS. It's a clock. It does nothing but tell time. There is no way on God's green Earth that I would pay that for something that has a single, albeit important, purpose. I walk away, sure that I'm the only intelligent person in the shop. The only person smart enough to not give into this madness. Across the room I see two guys whipping out credit cards. I was completely confused. These were men...buying lamps? Ugly lamps at that, they had some frilly bead things hanging off of them. Then I noticed one had a purse (I know there's another name for it, european handbag or something, but really, lets call a spade a spade). It hit me. These two guys weren't near as straight as I am, in fact, they may not be straight at all. For some reason my patented Gaydar hadn't registered a thing. I stood motionless, frightened at the prospect of a life without Gaydar. I noticed a soft music playing in the background, it was John Mayer. That was it...the store was running Gaydar interference. It was devious. It clouded the mind. I knew something was wrong the moment I walked in. Something in the back of my mind said "Oooh, 25% off" and "Look at that tea cozy". Thoughts that had never graced my mind. This store wasn't satisfied catering to only women and gay men, they were drawing in the straight men as well. Like I said, devious. I knew I had to get out of there, my straightness could only withstand so much John Mayer and scented candles. But...just....can't...leave...need to...spend...money. NO. There's nothing here for me. Nothing. Or was there? I couldn't be sure. Nothing made sense. Up was down, north was south, John Mayer wasn't as gay as I once thought, was he?

The story doesn't end there, I wish it had. Good news is that I made it out alive, and still batting for team Hetero. Bad news is that I walked out of there with a $200.00 set of Moose antlers. Before you judge, take this into consideration: someone had to kill that moose to get those antlers, and thats just manly enough to not be gay.